What's your pleasure... and your power?

Standing on stage and staring into a crowd of faces, some I knew, most I did not, I realized I had no where else to go. 

My solo moment...

I am frozen. I look back at the drummer and he nods.  The bass guitarist next to me says, "Let's go."  As he starts to strum, automatically my brain shifts into counting the beats. I know this. I got this. I release the lyrics like taffy, pulling at the lines. I have not forgotten the crowd in front of me but they are no longer foreign, separate. They are now my co-conspirators. We are reliving our past, together, remembering that one love, obsession, that was so overwhelming, there was nothing on earth we wouldn't do to keep it. I have relaxed into my voice. I am soaking up the energy of the crowd. I am feeling the warm buzz of pleasure radiating through my entire being, the emotion of it energizing me to give it my all and yet feeling completely at ease in the moment.

I step off stage and carry that with me - relaxed yet energized, fully feeling the pleasure of the moment. I am both giving and receiving joy. And I want to carry this feeling with me, always.

Where do you find pleasure?

Not the "my-kid-is-so-cute" moment or the "I-can't-believe-she-said-that-in-her-outside-voice" moment... those are fun, for sure.  But I'm talking about the kind of pleasurable experience that zings through your entire body and leaves you both feeling physically spent and fully energized?

I've recently been listening to some interviews with coach Kristin Sweeting Morelli and hormone expert Dr. Sara Gottfried, in which they posit that for women, our power center is replenished through experiencing pleasure - so this life we lead of waking early to start the laundry, get the kids to school, go to work, manage the after-school carpool, squeeze in gym time, grocery shop, cook, clean, help with homework, do our own work, etc... the list of activity goes on... it depletes us and we need to find ways to replenish ourselves. When we don't, we get addicted to the high level of stress - those super high cortisol levels that impact our mood, our mode of behavior and how we interact with the world - and we embrace the sense of martyrdom that goes with it.

Don't think that's you? When you insist that it is faster/easier/better if you just do it yourself... when you are annoyed that your husband or son didn't clean the kitchen the way they know you like it to be cleaned... when you take on yet another volunteer project and then complain that you have no time for yourself... 

Be honest, we all spend some time in martyrdom. And it's not a pretty place. Not for us and not for the people around us.

According to Sweeting Morelli and Gottfried, to replenish our strength and our soul, to reclaim a sense of peace and put the harried harpy of the day to rest, women need to tap into pleasure. Our stress levels are high, whether self-induced or not, and have a direct, measurable impact on our health and our relationships. If we allow our cortisol levels (the stress hormone) to get out of whack, we're in for a crash. And some drama. And undoubtedly more stress. 

The shortest, surest route to replenishing a healthy balance? For women, it's indulging in something pleasurable that releases oxytocin and raises serotonin levels. Sure, it can be that toe curling sexual pleasure (which is where your mind immediately went - come on, you know it did) and that one should be on everyone's list, but it is really anything that feeds and energizes your soul.  And we all have different ways of reaching into to that well and pulling our pleasure - and our power - back out of it.

Think of the last time you had a lengthy conversation with a girlfriend - or a few friends.  Ones who really get you.  How did you feel coming away from that?  Exhausted or energized?

Or perhaps on your last shopping excursion, you snatched up a hot pair of Jimmy Choo's at a bargain price... or if you're like me, new Asics or Saucony's.

Or maybe you finally attended that salsa dance class that you kept meaning to make time for... why hadn't you done that sooner?

You can replenish your soul by going to church. By attending yoga class. By getting a massage.

With my fantastic partner,
Mauricio Fernandez, aka Pitbull

Clearly, one of my pleasure zones is in singing - for an audience, for sure, but also alone in my car. I can get this high from running obstacle course races, from playing in the ocean, from writing... anything - my blog, a thank you note, an old fashioned love letter... the act of expressing myself on paper is pleasurable for me - and from reading a really good book. That may not sound exciting to you - and that's ok, we all have our own pleasure zones - but it works for me. It brings me back to a place where I can be present with my every day life - working full time, raising three teenagers, managing a menagerie of pets and the myriad activities that come with that life.

Every spontaneous, joyful moment and irrepressible laugh should be cherished. That momentary respite brings pleasure into any given moment. But in addition to that, we ought to be cultivating a regular cadence of pleasure that replenishes our soul.

So back to my original question: where do you find your pleasure?

If you want to learn more about the idea of women's power being centered in their ability to experience pleasure, and how our hormonal imbalances can dramatically affect our mood, our weight and our relationships, I strongly recommend reading Dr. Sara Gottfried's books and blogs as well as Kristin Sweeting Morelli's Red Tent Revival materials (she is no longer doing live events, which are phenomenal, fun and educational, but the recorded materials are available for purchase).

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering programs that support women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to develop this difference into  our strength. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to create an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here. 

Are you one of the Walking Dead?

2014 was not an easy year. 

I would sit at my desk, fingers at my temples vainly massaging at yet another migraine, and think, "Thank God, this year is almost over."  I would lean against my kitchen counter, too tired to cook but too tired to go out, fighting the desire for a bag of potato chips and trying desperately to tune into the words of my daughter as she describes her latest art project.  I would race from work, to Kendo, to the store, to the vet, to the doctor... wondering when I could grasp a few moments of silence on a solitary run. Yes, 2014 was a year long on hours, short on relief.

But last week, in a rare moment of downtime, I sifted through my photos from the past year.  And I realized, as I scanned the moments captured in between the piercing migraines and soul-thrashing potato chip cravings, that I have been focusing on quite the wrong things.

One year ago, this week, my kids and I completed a six-day road trip from Arizona to Florida, stopping along the way to run three miles amid the aliens of Roswell, devour the best breakfast in the United States in a tiny southwestern diner we stumbled upon by chance, explore the fantastic underground caves of Sonora, relive the brutality at the Alamo, enjoy dinner on San Antonio's Riverwalk and spend New Year's Eve reveling on Bourbon Street in New Orleans.  Shortly after that, we finished the Special Ops Spartan Sprint in Tampa, kayaked in the Everglades, paddle boarded along the quiet beaches of Naples, broke out of a Miami Beach prison cell in 60 minutes, hiked the White Tank Mountain in Arizona, walked Hollywood Blvd in Los Angeles, celebrated my 20 year wedding anniversary in London, caught many pounds of snapper in the deep blue waters of the Gulf, practiced marksmanship under an FBI sharpshooter instructor (who also happens to be my uncle) and ran a few more obstacle course races...

So what was I rubbing my temples about?

Oh, there were challenges in 2014. Believe me... more than a few.  It's so easy to remember the negative.  To focus on the moments that cause our hearts to drop into our stomach, that keep our minds whirring and problem solving into the wee hours of the morning.  These are the moments that keep us trapped in the negative, that cause us to freeze, to worry.  When has worry ever, ever, been a productive part of your life?  It isn't.  It paralyzes us so that we're not living, but we're in zombie
mode, not really paying attention to what's going on around us.  It's autopilot, just going through the motions to get through the day. Who wants to just 'get through' a day?

Reality? Those moments make up parts of my life, yes. I will never fully eliminate worry or stress. I can't control my beloved mutt, Sika, much less the rest of the world.  But when I look back at 2014, I don't want to remember the time spent reconciling the household budget, calling the plumber yet again for the clogged toilet or taking Big Ben to the mechanic. Again.  Instead, I want to recall the excitement on my oldest son's face when he climbed inside a Cessna for his first flight lesson; cheering my youngest son, in full Kendo gear, as he brings his instructor to his knees is a swift, graceful move with his sword; singing random not-so-pop songs in Big Ben with my daughter, enjoying these last few months with her before college looms next fall;  drinking wine in the gorgeous central square of Strasbourg, Germany, with my husband. I choose to remember crossing the Continental Divide and exploring the vineyards in Napa Valley with my Dirty Girl partner.  I soak myself in the memories of a challenging half marathon, a lovely dinner on the beach and successfully (sometimes) staring down Sheila, my self-sabotage gremlin who adores those damn potato chips.

Why would I let the mundane and temporary worries of a late work project or a failed water heater overshadow all this?

But I did.  We all do.

So for 2015... and here after... let's not go there.  Let's not live in temporary crisis mode.  Don't let the clogged toilet outweigh the success of brewing a perfect pot of coffee. Stop worrying about your kitchen being clean enough for the neighbors to pop in and instead enjoy their conversation and fresh baked cookies.  Let the laundry sit another day if it means a few extra hours of the Walking Dead marathon with your kids.  Is it more important to have a clean bra or shared moment with your offspring? I am not minimizing the importance of a clean bra... really, I'm not... but I can't recapture that moment with my kids and I can always squeeze in a late night load of laundry if I'm desperate.


There are so many things we "can't" do because the mundane becomes our "must."  This is our guilt gremlin talking. It's our fear. We must get the dishes done now. We must organize the pantry.  We must sweep the garage.  We must do these things that tick off the checklist for daily life management.  But why? What stops in our world, what crashes down on our fragile heads if the spice rack isn't alphabetized, if the carpet isn't vacuumed this moment or if you Febreze your bra because you forgot to wash it?  (Right, like you never thought of that...)

I am not advocating total irresponsibility.  I am not suggesting you never balance your checkbook, clean your house or vacuum out your car.  I am merely asking you to consider where, given your choices for living your life, those tasks fall in your order of priority and tackle them accordingly.

A full life doesn't have to be exotic or expensive.  My thrill on New Year's Day? I discovered a new brand of coffee that will now gloriously fuel my addiction.  My best moment over the holidays?  Lunch with my family, listening to all the inside jokes and inanity (insanity?) that creates our home culture and that surely looks and sounds bizarre to an outside observer. But we know what we mean and there is joy and comfort in that. What is living successfully?  You decide. But make it about you... not about the details that can overrun your life.

My house will always be chaotic and what my DGC partner affectionately calls "lived in".  But my door is always open.  My home cooked meals sometimes start with dessert.  But the conversation over brownie sundaes and grilled cheese sandwiches is always entertaining.  And no matter how hard I try, I will always be behind on laundry.  But I am not missing a single episode of the Walking Dead with my boys for the sake of clean... anything.

That's where my focus will be in 2015.  Where is yours?

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Your most important relationship

I was driving to work.  It was 7:15am on a Tuesday.

I had meetings starting at 8:00am and was booked back-to-back for most of the day.  I brought my lunch but couldn't quite figure out, looking at my calendar, at what point I could actually eat it.  I had three high profile projects in various stages of development to shepherd forth and a meeting with the CEO to walk through one of them that afternoon. Also on my agenda - getting my daughter to a doctor appointment, transferring money between bank accounts, and oh... Christmas shopping.  Right.  Someone is going to want a gift.

As I drove past one fast food place, I thought, "I love their breakfast sandwiches... I should..."

The next block, I passed a family restaurant and remembered the ad I had seen on TV just the night before about breakfast all day and a new steak and eggs deluxe something or other.  What time was my first meeting?

Two blocks further was my favorite coffee shop.   They have an egg and sausage wrap that's really quite delicious.

The cravings continued to tease me until I reached the office.  No, I didn't stop.  And it wasn't because I have amazing willpower.  It was because I wasn't hungry.

I realized this when I passed the coffee shop but before reaching yet another family restaurant with bursting omelettes of goodness and syrupy french toast.  I wasn't hungry because I had eaten breakfast before I left the house.  With coffee.  Logically, I couldn't justify taking the extra time to get to the office or the extra calories.

But I *felt* hungry.

Meet Sheila.  She's a gremlin.
That was my stress talking.  Let's call her Sheila.  Sheila, my stress gremlin, wasn't just talking.  She was screaming.  And twisting and biting.  She was throwing quite the fit and crying, "Pay attention to me!  Feed me!"  And I very much wanted to listen to Sheila.  I wanted to calm her down, help her find a happy place to settle in and not worry so much.  Poor Sheila was so uncomfortable and it seemed the only thing that might settle her was a juicy, fat-laden, carb-heavy steak, egg and cheese bagel sandwich.  With some hash browns.  And maybe another coffee, extra light with two sugars.

I usually drink my coffee black, so when I'm throwing in the added junk, I know that's Sheila making the decisions.

What stopped my car from turning into any of the beckoning parking lots and drive-thrus was rational thought.  Rather than feeding Sheila, I needed to take some time to figure out just why I thought I needed food.  I sat in the office parking lot for a few moments and applied some lipstick. A quick mental inventory told me that my 2pm meeting was a group call with another person presenting, so I could get lunch in at that time. Mental note: do remember the mute button; no one needs to hear you chewing. Ever.  Two of my high profile projects were already in flight.  The next step on one was a simple check in with the rest of the team to gauge progress.  The next step on the other required me putting slides together and time was already booked on my calendar to devote to that.  I was prepared for the CEO meeting and have no control over his reactions, so no use worrying over that.  My daughter's appointment was close to the office.  And the Christmas shopping... well, that's the fun part.  So at the end of my mental inventory, the heavy burden of stress suddenly felt more manageable. I had a plan. I had it all along.

For me, a few moments of rationalization helped skew my day - and my diet - in a more positive direction. Perhaps for you, there's a different process - meditation, self motivating pep talks, looking at photos of something you love... what it is that brings you mentally back on track and helps your own Sheila find a happy place?  In my office, I keep a photo of my kids from a road trip we took over a year ago.  They're standing in front of The Alamo, smiling and relaxed.  When I am feeling harried in the office, I purposefully pause to study that photo.  That's my mental reminder of why I do what I do... and that mini mental break is often enough to shake loose the coils of drama or chaos and allow me to regroup with purpose.

Your body is a... pair of red stilettos?
Our relationship with food is more habitual and more impactful than we think. In fact, most of the time when it comes to our relationship with food, we don't think.  That's a bigger problem... because
our relationship with food is reflective of our relationship with ourselves.  Tired of the adage, "your body is your temple"?  Fine.  Make it your Ferrari.  Make it your tiki hut.  Make it your little black dress, red shoes or any other icon that you feel represents your best "you".   Be Wonder Woman... or Cat Woman... or Xena the Warrior Princess... or any other figure you choose.  Research has proven that if we preface a food decision with "Would Xena eat this?" our choices tend to reflect what we believe Xena would choose. We can and do indeed mold ourselves after our icons.

If you know me well, you know I'm not saying you should never indulge.  I have never been known to turn down dessert.  Or potato chips.  Especially not potato chips...  But as much as I love the potato chip, I love me and the life I live enough to say no - not all the time, but often enough.   And believe me, each and every decision point is just that... a very conscious decision.  And some days, Sheila gets her way. (But then it's not just a handful of potato chips... it's the bag.  And some hot, crispy tater tots... maybe a pint of Ben & Jerry's to top it off.  Sheila can be a very hungry girl.)


Food is certainly an easy way for us to privately examine and really dig into how well we love ourselves.  I'm not suggesting we all adopt radical diets nor that everyone should be a certain weight or maintain a particular BMI.  What I am saying is that if we take a moment to be more mindful of what we put in our mouths, we're being more mindful of not just of how we're treating our selves, but why.

When you can answer the why, you can break through to any goal you set.


Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Bushwhacked! (Obstacle #9)

I walk right into it.

Should I have anticipated it? Maybe. It's happened before. Should I have been better prepared?  Perhaps. Should I defend myself against the attack? I think so...

But I don't.

I freeze.

Several different thoughts and emotions run through my mind and body as I am hit by verbal punch after punch.  I don't protest because I believe sounding defensive makes me weak.  I don't launch a counter attack because there's no way I win - this isn't a debate.  And as the ranting continues, I feel that niggling of doubt… the bullies who are really clever, really experienced at the art of ambush know how to find that word or phrase with just enough truth in it to make you pause and think, "Wait, is this true?  Am I a total screw up?"

Afterwards, nursing my psychic wounds, I think of all the smart comebacks and righteous responses… and I am angry at myself for freezing up.  Why do we freeze when when attacked?  Research suggests several ideas that go through our heads in that moment: we don't want to amplify the attack, we do not want to be ridiculed by how we respond, we worry about not being liked and we don't want to put our attacker in an uncomfortable position.  Funny, huh?  Even in that moment, we worry about the feelings of our attacker.

I hate this particular obstacle. First, while I am looking at this from a "women in the workplace" angle, let's be fair and acknowledge that men get bullied and women can be bullies.  It's not really a gender issue.  But in the case of women, especially in male dominated work places, it's not easy to climb over or plow through - it requires training.  When I train for my mud runs and obstacle course races, it's easy to identify what I need to work on.  I dangle then drop from the monkey bars - more arms and shoulders.  I teeter across the balance beam and stumble into the mud pit - more core training.  The traverse wall is consistently a crapshoot - more everything.

How do you train for an ambush - a surprise attack so you can't anticipate? Maybe you can't plan for the specific type of obstacle being shoved in your path, but you can train yourself to respond to the general obstacle of the corporate bushwhack.  You can train yourself to break through your stunned frozen state and move to positive action.

• Fight or flight?  In the case of an ambush, usually neither is effective.  Fighting can escalate an already-tense situation and fleeing the scene allows the bully to try this tactic with you again. You want to put a stop to repeated ambush attacks, so your goal in this moment is to stand still, stay calm and identify the trigger of the ambush.  Assess the obstacle.  What placed this here? How firm is it? How sharp? Once you understand the trigger, you can step back from the burst of negative emotions and make a smarter decision about how you choose to respond.  

I have often found that rarely do these attacks have anything to do with our actual performance or actions. It often stems from the attacker's own insecurities. A former boss used to ambush me when he felt vulnerable, when he perceived himself to be open to criticism by his boss or peers. Once I recognized this trigger, I could sometimes predict the next attack.  And at that point, I was able to step back from taking his attacks personally. This wasn't about me. This wasn't even about reality, so there was no point in responding with a protest or defense. Instead, I could move on to other strategies.

• Focus on the facts - and only the relevant facts. Bullies blend both fact and fiction, which can confuse you marvelously.  What is relevant to the real issue at hand? Is the point of this attack around a specific work issue?  Is it voicing an opinion on an interpersonal relationship? When responding to your attacker, use your newfound calm to address the relevant facts and shift this to a constructive discussion.  Ask questions of your attacker that clarify his or her  thoughts and take some of the personal element out of the attack.  Climb this obstacle carefully, placing your footing on the salient points and avoiding the sharp edges of sarcasm or curtness.

Ambushers aren't accustomed to being challenged in a poised manner.  By not blustering or muttering half-hearted defenses, and instead calmly but firmly focusing on something factual, you can dissolve the negative energy.  Direct the attacker to the root of the accusation and ask him/her to explain it more fully. This not only puts the attacker - politely and professionally - in the explanatory position, but also and teaches him/her how to treat you (thank you, Eleanor Roosevelt): you are not one to be distracted or confused by blathering but will deal directly with any real issues.

• Establish your voice. Not just by sticking to the fact and being a voice of reason, but watch your tone and tenor. This impacts the reception of your message. It's not a gender bias problem - men do it, women do it, children do it… I'm pretty sure my cat does, too.  We are wired to respond to sensual stimulation - often with judgement and prejudice, or put more kindly, with the influence of our past experience.  So when we need our voice to be heard, the actual pitch of our voice makes a difference.  And studies have shown that men do interpret the higher pitched, faster paced voice of a woman to be "emotional" rather than just passionate.*  We can't necessarily rewire that perception and certainly not in a moment of attack.  Get over that smaller obstacle and pay attention to both what you say and how you say it.

• Learn to recognize the Kobayashi Maru of attacks.  The famous no-win scenario from Star
  Trek is a valuable lesson: if you can't beat it, at least learn to recognize the un-winnable.  If you know the trigger of the attack has nothing to do with you, and if the spray of negativity has no root in a solvable issue (or a real one) then learn to walk away.  Often in these attacks, we are afraid of being perceived as weak… or worse yet, if we don't defend ourselves the attack must be true.  But there is no point in climbing this obstacle or expending energy breaking it down. 

Walking away can be the hardest strategy to deploy.  It can feel like defeat. But it's not about being the "bigger" or more mature person at that point. It's about protecting yourself from unwarranted attacks by removing yourself from a no-win situation.

So when walking past this obstacle, how far do you walk? 

Changing roles within your organization to put yourself out of the line of fire is one option.  Changing companies altogether is another.  It is a more significant measure but none of us should tolerate a bully at work, and especially if it looks like the perpetrator isn't going anywhere soon.  Going to your human resources leader also an option, to discuss what might be done and at the very least, raise visibility and awareness around the issue.  Healthy companies and strong executive teams need to address a perpetual bully or they will continue to lose talent.  

Whichever path you choose, you still have control. Take it. Throughout life, we will deal with unusual people, complex personalities and unexpected situations. That makes our day so much more interesting.  But that doesn't mean we let them become obstacles on our path.


NB - For your consideration: current statistics** about bullying at work are not optimistic:

• Over 60% of women have experienced bullying at work
• Women are the targets of bullies 79% of the time
• 78% of those bullied leave their place of employment
• On average, 70% of those bullied ask for help at work (executive management, HR, unions)
• Success rate in effective resolution after asking for help: 3%

*2012 survey by the consulting firm Flynn Heath Holt.
** 2012 study from WBI


As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs for women and their unique challenges. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. Dirty Girls coaches women to explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals and cultivating an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

The Zen of Candy Crush: Five Life Lessons

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty

DGC Principal

nho@dirtygirlsconsulting.com

It's my dirty little secret.

My children are mortified.

My friends roll their eyes and shrug.

Yes, I play Candy Crush.

There are a wealth of lessons to be learned in this seemingly simple, time-wasting-brain-cell-destroying app.  So before you judge too harshly, consider:

Lesson #1: The strategy behind eliminating jellies
Do I move the red candy to the left and eliminate three other solid red candies?  Or... do I move the green candy to the right and eliminate two of those dastardly jellies? Which move will line up five yellow candies so I can get the jimmie-covered chocolate bonbon?  Candy Crush is all about thinking ahead... I have a limited number of moves and must maximize each decision to eliminate jellies or bring down the fruit.  I have to think about my choices, the implications two or three moves ahead and avoid getting blocked off by those chocolate squares.

How often do we use that much careful consideration in our day to day decisions or at the office?


Lesson #2: Let your friends share in the sweetness
There comes a point where you need to get to the next level.  You have two options:

• You can stay at your current level and repeat the lessons over and over again until finally the game takes pity (you 'crush' it five more times) and you are allowed to pass from Cupcake Circus to Caramel cove. Depending on the difficulty and your determination, you could be banging your head against this level for weeks.
• You can reach out to your Candy Crushing friends and ask them to help you.  By sending you a 'ticket', your friends can unlock the next level. Your friends can get you to the next adventure in minutes or hours, and you don't have to repeat the lessons already learned in the previous level.

We often forget that other people have information, skills and ideas that can help us.  And as human beings, we have an amazing willingness to help our brethren.  We are so wrapped in our own story and often so focused on "I can do it" that we forget that "I" don't have to.  So share the sugary sweetness... and bask in the rainbow glow of your pals' cheerful assistance.

Lesson #3: Discover each tool's best, highest use
Much like our friends, we often forget that there are tools available to us to make our lives and our jobs a little easier.  The boosters in Candy Crush let me eliminate more candies and jellies to reach my goal efficiently. I have to carefully consider which tool it makes sense to use and when to use it.  Choosing the wrong booster or tool is a wasted opportunity and can cost me lives.

Are you using the tools available to you?  And are you using the right ones at the right time? I never understood my husband's irritation when I'd use a screwdriver to open a paint can until I caught him using one of my nifty Togodashi kitchen knives to open a box of pancake mix. The right tools for the right job makes all the difference.  I won't ruin the tips of his screwdrivers and he won't dull my blades. We both win.


Lesson #4: Play it loud, play it proud
My children often berate me for playing Candy Crush.  How do they know I'm playing?  They know because the game sends updates through Facebook when I've crushed another level.  Woohoo!  Well, woohoo for me but my offspring are embarrassed by the public pronouncements. They've asked me to turn the notifications off, but truthfully, I don't know how. Even if I did, though, I don't care to.

In life and work, I think we just don't celebrate enough.  Every advancement to the next level is an accomplishment.  Even if it only took one or two attempts, even if it was ridiculously easy, it signifies forward motion.  I got through a full day without scarfing on Oreos... yea, me!  I finished that presentation two days before the deadline... rock on!  Remember, every forward motion is one step closer to your goal.  No matter what that goal is.  I am moving ahead. I am achieving the goals I set out to do. So, yes... level 167 in Candy Crush? Woohoo!

How often do you celebrate?

Lesson #5: Be a good competitor
What makes a good competitor?

Someone who wins?  Sure.

Someone who trains well and is prepared?  Of course.

But the mark of a true competitor?  Someone who gets up and tries again when faced with failure. Time and again, as you face stubborn jellies, licorice locks and multiplying chocolate pieces you suffer defeat... then get back in there for another round. Learn from last round's errors, test new strategies, pick effective tools... and persevere until you achieve success.  In what part of your life does this lesson not apply?  Whether training for my next half marathon or trying to perfect a healthy-but-still-yummy Sunday morning pancake recipe, repeated attempts are mandatory, part of the training.  Do I need a winning pancake recipe?  Of course.  But the journey of finding one is more than half the fun, too.  Enjoy the competition itself, not just the rewards.

Candy Crush is a Zen game.  With every level, you learn to pause.  Breathe.  Take it in, consider your options, breathe out. When I rush through a game, I inevitably make a decision - move the blue candy up! - and as soon as I swipe, the realization flashes before me that if I had paused another half second and moved the green candy left instead, I could have eliminated more jellies and set myself up for a bonus striped or wrappered candy.

I appreciate those Zen moments: slow down, think through your next steps, and then let go.  Every game is a clean slate.  Every level is a new opportunity. We do not cling to baggage from prior levels, but we do take our tools and boosters with us.  And our friends.

So scoff if you must. Join my middle child in his disdainful groan of superiority. Support my oldest and  youngest in their impassioned argument that Candy Crush is ruining the gaming industry.  Yes, there are better things I could be doing with my time. No, I am not changing the world or bettering mankind in the time I spend swiping rainbow colored candies and meandering through the Pudding Pagoda.  But I am relaxing, recharging and for a short time, playing in the Minty Meadow and crossing Bubblegum Bridge.

But do not forget... we can find lessons in everything.  Now, how do I get past those candy bombs so I can make it to level 168?


As always, your comments are welcome.  And don't forget to share this blog!

The joy of surprise. The beauty of routine.

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty

DGC Principal

nho@dirtygirlsconsulting.com

I like surprises.

At Corkscrew Sanctuary

Once or twice a year, I pull my kids out of school for a "surprise day"… instead of sitting in the classroom going through another set of math drills and literary lessons, we paddle board in the gulf of Mexico, kayak amidst the mangroves or hike trails through wildlife sanctuaries.  Or we sit in an empty movie theater, then overeat bacon burgers, seasoned fries and chocolate shakes.  I believe going out and experiencing life is just as educational as sitting in a classroom.  I believe spending time together is even more enlightening - for all of us.  I thought this made me a cool parent.  While my kids appreciate a day out of school, they have taught me something: we are wired very differently.

Parasailing at
Ft. Myers beach

When my offspring hear, "Today is surprise day!" the house echoes with groans, "What now?" My daughter scrambles to evaluate her homework list and test schedule to determine if she can take the time off.  My sons rolls their eyes, exchange knowing looks and mutter about the next lame adventure I am forcing upon them.  Those initial moments of jarring them out of their routine and into something unexpected are, well, painful.  Every single time.

So much of what we do on a daily basis is mired in habit and routine.  On the one hand, that's efficient.  It helps everyone get along.  We know exactly what we're doing and exactly what to expect.  On the other hand, we can get so accustomed to our routines and expectations that we don't pause to note: are we really happy?  Are we living our life or just reacting to a series of expected events?

Mariachi Band at GermanFest 2012

Unexpected moments shake us out of the routine and open our eyes to a new perspective.  While kayaking in March, we learned about muscles we clearly never used before and cruised through the mangroves with giant turtles.  On a trip to the dog beach, we learned that our water spaniel was actually afraid of the water. Once we went to a German festival where the featured performance was a Mexican mariachi band with a four foot iguana.  We learned a lot about iguanas on that excursion.  Some of our surprise trips turn into a new path altogether. On one adventure, my husband met a university professor who strongly encouraged him to study ancient languages and pursue an advanced degree.  This chance meeting led to two masters' degrees and then several years as a tour guide leading educational excursions throughout Italy and Greece.

Our car, Jessie, in flames. 

What we do in the moment, how we respond when a new idea or opportunity is presented to us, makes the difference between an interesting story and a significant life change.  But how we're wired also makes a difference.  My husband and I are big opportunists - and I mean that in the nicest sense of the word. My children look at it as disruptive, potentially derailing them from a perfectly good plan.  The caution that holds them back is not necessarily misplaced… not all risks pay off, not all spontaneous ideas pan out.  Not all adventures are good.  One Easter Sunday, our meandering excursion smacked us right into a white sedan in which a woman texting while making a u-turn.  We felt pangs from that little adventure for months.

My wiring loves surprises, craves the adventure of 'what's next' without really knowing just what that is. But sometimes when we are building our lives, and especially when we are responsible for others, settling into some more predictable patterns and establishing a sense of stability grows more important.

Sika the herder (front) and Leo (back)
the water spaniel who hates water

And there is something to be said for the blessing of routines. Every Sunday, I take my mutts to the dog park. That's a routine I embrace. Once there, my herder runs all the other dogs in wide loops, barking to keep everyone in line and running in the same direction.  My spaniel outruns all the others - except one golden retriever with a much longer stride - leading the way for his herding partner.  They run the same loops every week.  They are happy running those loops.  They run. They break for water.  They sniff.
They meander.  Then wham!  Back to running loops.  This is their routine.  And they love it.

We are happy repeating our loops, too. We go to work.  Or school. We come home. We do chores.  We see friends.  We play - eat, drink, sport, whatever our pleasure.  We repeat.  It's a good life.

Petting a baby gator

I'm not suggesting we stop running loops. Those loops provide the basis of our home culture: familiar routines that minimize the number of battles I referee between three teenagers, that accomplish just enough chores to keep the city health board away, that get us regularly to work, to school, and on Sundays, to the dog park. But just remember now and then that even the most idyllic routine is worth a pause: once in a while, wander off track to see what surprise awaits you on an unexplored path.  That short excursion can be just enough to recharge you and return you to your loops with a greater appreciation of the life you have built.

Are you an adventurer at heart or fond of familiarity? Has a spontaneous adventure ever taken you on a completely different path?  I would love to hear about your excursions and how you recharge.

And don't forget to share this post!

When Real Work Infiltrates My Dreams

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty

DGC Principal

nho@dirtygirlsconsulting.com

I hate it when I dream about work.   And I’ve been dreaming about work a lot lately.

Usually, in dream-world I enjoy the free floating randomness of my mind.  Nothing is logical when I replay it in the bright light of morning, but in the dark of night the non-sequitor action sequences and the cast of characters that meander through are entertaining… freeing. 

When I start dreaming about work… well, to me that says that there’s too much being left undone in my day life.  Unproductive meetings of the day are replayed, but in Kubrick-esque circumstances.  Debates with coworkers take on Allen-type ridiculousness and unresolved arguments fester in absurdity.  The coffee machine only dispenses Bloody Marys.  I hate Bloody Marys.

These aren’t really nightmares, mind you, but they feel that way when I wake up.  Because it means I never left work. Even in those precious hours that I had total freedom to muster up any kind of insanity I wanted, my mind pulled me back to a day at the office.

And the result?  No rest.  I have not escaped the worries of the office, merely transformed them into a Burton-like world where I am haunted by both the reality and the irrationality.

Work dreams occur when I allow two things to happen: 

1. I don't resolve the issues I am dealing with in the office
2. I don't make the time to recharge myself in a healthy way 

So I know what I have to do to escape the work-laden overnight adventures.

Deal with work at work.

Sometimes this is easier said than done.  But the more I let unresolved conflicts chafe without pursuing a solution, the more my mind makes up stories to fill in gap, makes assumptions about other’s motivations, and creates multiple scenarios that bring me no closer to a true end game.  Whether it’s a disagreement with a coworker, meeting or missing a deadline or renegotiating an agreement, the longer it waits the more opportunity it has to wreak havoc with my mind.

Replenish, refuel, regain.

Whether I skip a run or skip the veggies, I feel it.  When I let work deplete my internal resources and don’t follow up with my own strategies for refilling them, then I’m not bringing my best self to the office.  Or home, for that matter.  You have to find ways to replenish your strength, refuel your passion and regain your perspective. There are countless articles on how important it is to take care of yourself so I won’t lecture here… but if you want the restless dreams to dissipate, this is a must.

I know I need to reset.  In last night’s dream, I set my coworker up on a date with a friend of mine, which in real life would be difficult since they live in different states and are, in reality, married to other people.  Another coworker was crying because she felt her boss didn’t value her work anymore.  She was sniveling over my laptop and I wanted to comfort her but I needed to drape baby wipes over the keys to prevent infection. I decided to hold my next team meeting at a crowded bar at 10pm at night.  Amid the shouting over the din and the multiple mai tais, we decided to introduce our next product with a Muppet theater extravanganza.  My boss transferred me to an office in Georgia – totally unrelated to the Muppet-themed product launch, of course.

See why I need to deal with things in my real world?  Because my dream world is not just chaos…it’s not even fun anymore.

Do you remember your dreams? Have you awoken from a dream feeling unsettled? Panicked? Restless?  Share in the comments how you balance your real world with your dream-world.

And don’t forget to share this post!