Work-life integration: it's in each moment.

Work-life integration is a rather Zen thing.  

Any given day consists of an incessant flow of decisions.

What to eat for breakfast…?
…does my son have enough lunch money…?
…can we finish the campaign copy on time…?
…who else should review this decision…?
…when is the best time to take the cat to the vet…?
…can I stomach another salad for lunch…?
…do I have time to finish this one email before leaving to pick up the kids…?
…should I work on arms or legs at the gym…?
…can I burn any calories if I just take a nap…?
…what can I throw together for dinner…?
…how much homework  help is too much…?

…and so the list goes on and on.  Our lives are a series of decisions.

We used to call it work-life balance.  But then we realized something: balance doesn't exist.

Balance is a condition in which elements are of equal proportion.  Equal parts work time and equal parts personal time.  To achieve balance, we must juggle the two halves so that work gets done and friends and family don't feel neglected.  That's a neat way to manage it.  If only it were possible.

But the convenience of technology brings about a blending of our lives that makes it all one. Technology means I never have to miss an email, an IM or a phone call - whether it's from my coworkers or my kids. I can read documents where ever I am - the latest memo from IT about security updates or the college application form for daughter.  I can look up product details for BASE24-eps 2.0 or search for gold "Wonder Woman" style sandals to go with this ridiculously fabulous red jumpsuit.  And I can do it sitting in shorts on my back patio, in a pencil skirt and slingbacks at the office or standing in line at Target.

So as I tackle all of this, tell me… what time is it?  

In the days pre-smart phones and tablets and laptops, you could argue that when you were out of the office, work would not and could not get done.  You were cut off from your work tools and now your focus could be on attending a football game or grilling a steak.  There was a clear delineation of work time and personal time.

Today, however, I know if I take Oberyn to the vet at 9:30am on Tuesday, I can still be online and working at 9:30pm that night to finish editing that blog.  In fact, while petting Oberyn as he gets his rabies booster, I responded to a coworker's quick question via IM.

Working for a global company makes time even more irrelevant.  For two years, every Tuesday night at 7pm, I was on the phone with my team in Australia.  And 6:30am on Thursdays I called into a standing meeting with the group based in Frankfurt.

So, when, exactly, should I be "balancing" my personal and professional lives?  How do I determine when I've achieved balance?

I don't know.  And I'm really not about setting myself up for impossible goals.

What technology has brought about is the realization that it's every moment and every decision that counts.  We make the most of our life and our time in every waking moment.  Some of those decisions will be about quarterly earnings calls and strategic planning meetings and writing ad copy.  Some of those decisions will be about the most convenient place to pick up dinner on my way home so that instead of cooking, I have time for a conversation with my offspring and a night run.  But these decisions are not split into distinct and separate times of day.  Sometimes, brochures get edited at 11pm and catch up with my kids happens at 6am.  Sometimes, I spend all my waking hours working, working, working… looking for another day when I can pull the kids out of school and head to the beach for paddle boarding.  And sometimes, the best I can do is offer "Backwards Dinner", where we eat dessert first to ensure we don't miss the best part.

Work-life integration is simply about making the best decision we can in the moment we are in.  And if we are feeling overwhelmed by too many work moment and work decisions, we must use that moment to make a different decision.  But these choices are not about balance and they are not about time.

These choices are about how we live our lives, in each moment.

As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Obstacle #11: To flirt or not to flirt at work

Flirting is a power tactic.

Whether at work or at play, the art of flirtation is about persuasion and control.  And fun.  I am not asserting that flirting is positive or negative in any situation. This obstacle is one each of us needs to figure out individually, the way in which we're most comfortable working through it.  So let's consider the art - and obstacle - of flirtation at the office.

First, just what is flirting?  For the purposes of the work environment discussion, and as evaluated in various studies, flirting is defined as personal charm that incorporates playfulness, flattery and a level of sexiness.  This is a step beyond friendliness, which is defined as exhibiting warmth and interest.  Flirting is deliberate attempts to have the opposite party notice your particular charm.

So, what if you knew that flirting benefitted you in negotiations?

Women who flirted during negotiations in which a clear "zero sum" exchange needed to take place (goods for money, for example) obtained better terms when their counterpart was male.  If you knew you could receive a higher discount or a better set of terms, would you smile a little more brightly or offer a compliment?  Put so bluntly, it feels icily calculated.  But think for a minute about the men you work with - if you share a private joke, a sidelong glance, if you touch his arm or tell him you like the way his shirt brings out the color of his eyes, are you friendly or flirting? When men have an elevation in mood due to what they perceive as flirting (and flattery), they are more amenable in negotiations.

But not all the time.  When women flirt with men in negotiations where both parties are trying to achieve a gain, they are less successful. The overall success of a mutual negotiation is higher - a larger pie is carved out between two friendly parties.  But the slicing of that pie does not favor the flirting woman.  She managed to improve the benefits to both of them, by helping to expand the potential rewards, but statistically she isn't able to claim her competitive share of that pie.

So perhaps you could argue that you'd rather not take chances on the type of misunderstanding flirting at work can bring and since not all negotiations are successful, you will rely on your no-nonsense smarts to work through those delicate conversations.  And that's certainly an option.

But this obstacle has another slippery slide.  It's not your standard eight foot wall to scale.  It's more like that inverted wall where you have to pull your weight up the inverted side and then use all your strength to haul yourself over the inverted top and avoid toppling down the "easy" side, which can result in injury.  And mud.  There's always mud.

Consider the challenge of likability.  Women in leadership roles fight the likability battle regularly.  If we're assertive, we're bossy or a less kind b-word.  If we insist or debate, we're pushy and hard.  We use "male" qualities to manage and get ahead in a man's environment, and yet those same qualities that brand men as strong leaders make women brassy and cold.  The social cost is high. This impression also leads to misconception around competence - women who are viewed as overly aggressive by their male peers are also viewed as less competent.  Women who flirt with their peers, on the other hand, are perceived as friendly.  When women are perceived as friendly and competent, their ability to be heard and negotiate is amplified.

What if you knew that men flirt more than women in the workplace to get what they want? 

Catherine Hakim, social scientist and author of Erotic Capital: The Power of Attraction in the Boardroom and the Bedroom, says we should unabashedly use our feminine charms.  We have them, why hide them?  Men have no such qualms about using their charisma or looks if they believe it will provide some leverage, so why are we ashamed to?

Of course, there is also the risk of misunderstanding.  Is a real relationship blossoming here or is this merely bantering fun at work? We - men and women - can feel taken advantage of once we realize the other person wanted nothing more than that moment of flirtation - and perhaps  for you to help write that update for the CEO's pet project.

So where do you stand on the concept of flirting in the work place?  Victoria Pynchon advises that if you're going to do it, do it genuinely. Don't fake compliments, don't flirt with men you're not comfortable with.  Rather, play into the positive qualities before you. "I've never known anyone who was so thoroughly repugnant that I couldn't find something to love in them."

So how do you overcome this obstacle?  And how do you handle others who flirt with you?

Studies used in this discussion: 

Feminine Charm: An Experimental Analysis of its Costs and Benefits in Negotiations by Laura J. Kray, Connson C. Locke and Alex B. Van Zant (July 2012)
SIRC Guide to Flirting by Kate Fox (2014)
The Five Flirting Styles by Jeffrey Hall (2013)

As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Knock, knock... Who's there?

How do you answer that question?

How often does that answer change?

If we shake hands at the office, I get to know you under a professional pretense.  But if we meet at a neighborhood barbecue in our summer shorts with a beer in hand, am I meeting the same person? Or do you bring different personas to your personal and professional life?  And perhaps yet a third person to the gym or to a charity board of directors' meeting?

Certainly, there are aspects of who we are and how we share that are more appropriate at work versus the backyard barbecue.  I might share stories at work about past projects and former bosses, whereas at the barbecue, I'll probably blather on for hours about my kids or obstacle course racing.  In either case, I might modify the content of my message but I am not really changing me… I am the same geeky but self-assured bookworm always ready to laugh at a joke.

But have you ever met someone at work who presented herself a particular way and then later, at a cocktail reception or chance grocery store run-in, you felt like you were meeting a whole new person?  I don't mean someone having an 'off day' - I mean someone who regularly brings different personalities into different situations.  Perhaps it's a more secretive nature that likes to keep things mysterious.  But I have to wonder: how much work is it to stretch yourself into a different role to fit a different scenario?  And what is the purpose of contorting into those roles anyway?

One acquaintance of mine explained that her job required her to bring a different personality to the table - that she worked in the very constrictive world of investment banking and therefore was required to behave a certain way or risk being 'frozen out'.  I hear from other women that there are plenty of organizations with a similar culture where one feels she must conform or risk being ostracized and ignored. It's not always a male dominated culture issue, but sometimes it is.

It's very popular to talk about being "authentic" and true to yourself.  And on that journey, it can be challenging to figure out who we are if we're maintaining a veneer of someone else in order to just get along.  You have to be clear on where the 'real you' begins and the alter ego ends.  And for those who are in this type of work scenario, is it possible to exist in those restrictive environments and yet still feel you're being true to yourself?  How much of our perception that we must conform is our own assumption?

The real question for you, however, is how do you show up?  Try this exercise - I did it last month and with a few text messages, got a wave of results within an hour.  It feels awkward when you first reach out, but it's well worth pushing past that.  First, everyone you touch is happy to participate.  Second, what you receive back will be both loving and enlightening.  So here you:

• On a piece of paper, draw three columns.  At the top of the first column, write "Family/Intimates."  At the top of the second column, write "Friends & Associates" and at the top of the third column, write "Acquaintances."

• Contact 3-5 people in your life who fit into each one of those categories for you and ask them to describe you in just three words.  That's it.

• Write the words ascribed to you under the appropriate column.  

And now consider what you see: how the people in your world see you.  Which one of those columns is closest to the "real" you?  Which one is the person you wish most to be?  Lucky for you, you already are that person.  You have the power to love that person.  You have the power to change that person.  Really, you have power.

So, how do you show up?

As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

The Zen of Candy Crush: Five Life Lessons

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty

DGC Principal

nho@dirtygirlsconsulting.com

It's my dirty little secret.

My children are mortified.

My friends roll their eyes and shrug.

Yes, I play Candy Crush.

There are a wealth of lessons to be learned in this seemingly simple, time-wasting-brain-cell-destroying app.  So before you judge too harshly, consider:

Lesson #1: The strategy behind eliminating jellies
Do I move the red candy to the left and eliminate three other solid red candies?  Or... do I move the green candy to the right and eliminate two of those dastardly jellies? Which move will line up five yellow candies so I can get the jimmie-covered chocolate bonbon?  Candy Crush is all about thinking ahead... I have a limited number of moves and must maximize each decision to eliminate jellies or bring down the fruit.  I have to think about my choices, the implications two or three moves ahead and avoid getting blocked off by those chocolate squares.

How often do we use that much careful consideration in our day to day decisions or at the office?


Lesson #2: Let your friends share in the sweetness
There comes a point where you need to get to the next level.  You have two options:

• You can stay at your current level and repeat the lessons over and over again until finally the game takes pity (you 'crush' it five more times) and you are allowed to pass from Cupcake Circus to Caramel cove. Depending on the difficulty and your determination, you could be banging your head against this level for weeks.
• You can reach out to your Candy Crushing friends and ask them to help you.  By sending you a 'ticket', your friends can unlock the next level. Your friends can get you to the next adventure in minutes or hours, and you don't have to repeat the lessons already learned in the previous level.

We often forget that other people have information, skills and ideas that can help us.  And as human beings, we have an amazing willingness to help our brethren.  We are so wrapped in our own story and often so focused on "I can do it" that we forget that "I" don't have to.  So share the sugary sweetness... and bask in the rainbow glow of your pals' cheerful assistance.

Lesson #3: Discover each tool's best, highest use
Much like our friends, we often forget that there are tools available to us to make our lives and our jobs a little easier.  The boosters in Candy Crush let me eliminate more candies and jellies to reach my goal efficiently. I have to carefully consider which tool it makes sense to use and when to use it.  Choosing the wrong booster or tool is a wasted opportunity and can cost me lives.

Are you using the tools available to you?  And are you using the right ones at the right time? I never understood my husband's irritation when I'd use a screwdriver to open a paint can until I caught him using one of my nifty Togodashi kitchen knives to open a box of pancake mix. The right tools for the right job makes all the difference.  I won't ruin the tips of his screwdrivers and he won't dull my blades. We both win.


Lesson #4: Play it loud, play it proud
My children often berate me for playing Candy Crush.  How do they know I'm playing?  They know because the game sends updates through Facebook when I've crushed another level.  Woohoo!  Well, woohoo for me but my offspring are embarrassed by the public pronouncements. They've asked me to turn the notifications off, but truthfully, I don't know how. Even if I did, though, I don't care to.

In life and work, I think we just don't celebrate enough.  Every advancement to the next level is an accomplishment.  Even if it only took one or two attempts, even if it was ridiculously easy, it signifies forward motion.  I got through a full day without scarfing on Oreos... yea, me!  I finished that presentation two days before the deadline... rock on!  Remember, every forward motion is one step closer to your goal.  No matter what that goal is.  I am moving ahead. I am achieving the goals I set out to do. So, yes... level 167 in Candy Crush? Woohoo!

How often do you celebrate?

Lesson #5: Be a good competitor
What makes a good competitor?

Someone who wins?  Sure.

Someone who trains well and is prepared?  Of course.

But the mark of a true competitor?  Someone who gets up and tries again when faced with failure. Time and again, as you face stubborn jellies, licorice locks and multiplying chocolate pieces you suffer defeat... then get back in there for another round. Learn from last round's errors, test new strategies, pick effective tools... and persevere until you achieve success.  In what part of your life does this lesson not apply?  Whether training for my next half marathon or trying to perfect a healthy-but-still-yummy Sunday morning pancake recipe, repeated attempts are mandatory, part of the training.  Do I need a winning pancake recipe?  Of course.  But the journey of finding one is more than half the fun, too.  Enjoy the competition itself, not just the rewards.

Candy Crush is a Zen game.  With every level, you learn to pause.  Breathe.  Take it in, consider your options, breathe out. When I rush through a game, I inevitably make a decision - move the blue candy up! - and as soon as I swipe, the realization flashes before me that if I had paused another half second and moved the green candy left instead, I could have eliminated more jellies and set myself up for a bonus striped or wrappered candy.

I appreciate those Zen moments: slow down, think through your next steps, and then let go.  Every game is a clean slate.  Every level is a new opportunity. We do not cling to baggage from prior levels, but we do take our tools and boosters with us.  And our friends.

So scoff if you must. Join my middle child in his disdainful groan of superiority. Support my oldest and  youngest in their impassioned argument that Candy Crush is ruining the gaming industry.  Yes, there are better things I could be doing with my time. No, I am not changing the world or bettering mankind in the time I spend swiping rainbow colored candies and meandering through the Pudding Pagoda.  But I am relaxing, recharging and for a short time, playing in the Minty Meadow and crossing Bubblegum Bridge.

But do not forget... we can find lessons in everything.  Now, how do I get past those candy bombs so I can make it to level 168?


As always, your comments are welcome.  And don't forget to share this blog!