Exactly what are you waiting for?

How often do you stop in the middle of your day, where ever you are - at your desk, in your car, at the grocery store, in a meeting - and say to yourself, "This is exactly what I want to be doing!"

Just a random guess... not often.

I mulled over these thoughts quite a bit during a recent three day period in which I alternated between concentrated time with people I care and time alone. And it's funny - when you're around people who inspire you, who love you and who bring out the best in you, suddenly you're very aware of everything you can be. Doubts melt away. Energy smolders and sizzles. You're ready to charge ahead and embrace your present and you wholeheartedly believe you can make anything happen for your future.

Until, of course, that 5am alarm goes off and you're back to walking the dogs, brewing coffee, waking up cranky teenagers, endlessly buying groceries (for said cranky teenagers), washing dishes, dodging telemarketers, shifting uncomfortably through meaningless meetings and hunched over your laptop late at night to meet deadlines.  When 'real life' kicks in, suddenly everything you can be becomes far less important than an extra 20 minutes of sleep or someone else taking out the trash for a change.

Because that's where we lose ourselves: in the mundane of the every day.

But what if we could celebrate that?

No, really: what if, with a sticky, odiferous white 13 gallon trash bag in hand as you fumble out to the trash barrel, you could stop, swat away the pesky flies and say to yourself, "This is exactly what I want to be doing!"

It's not the taking out of trash that is quite so celebratory - though I suppose, depending on what's in your trash, it could be. It's that you're in that moment, very much aware of who you are and where you are. You are part of the world that happens to include taking out the trash. And washing dishes. And paying bills.  And it's your world. Your reality. And it's of your making.

Own it. Embrace it. Love it. Live it.

We choose our path. We create both the present and the future, and it is up to us to stop our assumptions from getting in our way.  We can't find a new job because we're too old for a career change.  We can't move to a different city because it's too hard to start over. We can't start that new relationship because it's never going to work out anyway.  We can't end this current relationship because we've invested too much time in it already. We can't let go...

Well, why not?

If you can't look around you today, no matter what mundane, boring task it is you're mired in, and say to yourself, "This is exactly what I want to be doing!" then perhaps it's time to reassess. Something is cluttering your life, your thoughts and your heart.  Think about what needs to change so that the mundane doesn't bury your soul, but is just one more action in your ability to live through your soul.

How much time do we spend thinking, "It would be nice if..." and "One day, I want to..." What is it we're waiting for in order for those things to happen? More money? More time? A different opportunity? How much will waiting actually help those things to happen? What's supposed to be happening while you're waiting? Who's making it happen?

And that is what I realized during that three day period: waiting for my goals to happen wasn't really getting me very far. I need to proactively create the life I want.  A life that includes making time for the people important to me. It includes focusing my energy on work that I love. It is dedicated to making the most of each moment. And it means occasionally washing the dishes. Buying groceries. Dealing with cranky teens. Buying more groceries. And taking out the trash.


Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to create an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here. 

It's just fear... in really good shoes, but it's still fear

It's very cliche to talk about the journey.  

We're all on a journey.  It's all about the journey, not the destination.  We each have our own journey.  But a journey is a hard thing - it implies long distances, singular adversity and undoubtedly a little bad weather.

What if it's not a journey?  

What if it's an expanse... wide open spaces that surround us.  Make a slow, 360 degree turn.  We can choose to go in any given direction.  We can choose to head into a city or a sleepy village, a forrest or the beach. We can choose to move towards people or away from them.  We can choose to eat chicken breasts and mixed greens or fried chicken and mashed potatoes smothered in gravy.  Or my personal favorite, lava cake and tawny port...

We can choose.

So why don't we?

Think of the number of decisions you make in any given day, week or year.  How many of those reflect what you believe is the 'right' decision - the decision that will have friends, family and society at large smiling kindly at you?

A lot.  We make a lot of decisions to just get along.  We seek affirmation and value from those around us and we make decisions that make it more likely we'll garner that approval.  We choose our brand of peanut butter based on what was the cupboard when we were kids.  We like the cars our fathers drove.  We majored in parent-approved fields, dated friend-approved men, wear peer-approved clothing and adopt boss-approved behaviors at work.  And we do much of it without thinking. This is how we're trained.  This is how we get along.  We stumble into each stage of our life, following the pattern of what's expected without questioning what we want. We go to school, we get married, we have kids, we have jobs...

What happens when you make a decision that is truly reflective of what you want and who you are?  For starters, you might actually get what you want.  That's the upside.  But the rest...?  Our family might think we're making bad choices.  Our friends might disapprove.  Our peers may raise an eyebrow and gossip.  Our boss might deny that promotion. We might be ignored. We might be shunned. We might be happy. That's a lot of mights.

And it's a lot of fear.

We keep up appearances.  We move forward through the parent-approved life playbook, marry the friend-approved man and dress in our peer-approved high heels.  And we fall forward into these lives not even conscious that much of what drives us is fear... "in really good shoes, but it's still fear," (thank you, Elizabeth Gilbert).

Decisions are not always as easy as buying a jar of peanut butter or choosing between classic black leather pumps or a strappy red heel.  When you consider divorce, illness, a new job, a cross country move... other people are involved and impacted.  Sometimes legalities add complications.  But at the end of the day, you still have to make a decision.  Or put another way, you have to decide how to best explore your possibilities.  What criteria will you use?

Most of us don't even see the 360 degree expanse of the world that is around us and the unending possibilities.  We are focused on that journey, with predetermined curves and bumps, with the embedded idea of a predetermined destination.  Most days, we aren't even sure which turn we took to get us this far along the journey in the first place.

So I invite you to stop. Make the 360 degree turn. Slowly. Really take in the possibilities. Forget the journey. Open your eyes to the expanse around you.  It can be overwhelming.  It can be deafening.  It can be freeing. There are decisions to be made out there. They are ours to make, to consciously choose and own.

Put your favorite heels on - you know, the strappy four-inch ones that your mom hates and your best friend covets - and step firmly forward.  In any direction you choose.


Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Knock, knock... Who's there?

How do you answer that question?

How often does that answer change?

If we shake hands at the office, I get to know you under a professional pretense.  But if we meet at a neighborhood barbecue in our summer shorts with a beer in hand, am I meeting the same person? Or do you bring different personas to your personal and professional life?  And perhaps yet a third person to the gym or to a charity board of directors' meeting?

Certainly, there are aspects of who we are and how we share that are more appropriate at work versus the backyard barbecue.  I might share stories at work about past projects and former bosses, whereas at the barbecue, I'll probably blather on for hours about my kids or obstacle course racing.  In either case, I might modify the content of my message but I am not really changing me… I am the same geeky but self-assured bookworm always ready to laugh at a joke.

But have you ever met someone at work who presented herself a particular way and then later, at a cocktail reception or chance grocery store run-in, you felt like you were meeting a whole new person?  I don't mean someone having an 'off day' - I mean someone who regularly brings different personalities into different situations.  Perhaps it's a more secretive nature that likes to keep things mysterious.  But I have to wonder: how much work is it to stretch yourself into a different role to fit a different scenario?  And what is the purpose of contorting into those roles anyway?

One acquaintance of mine explained that her job required her to bring a different personality to the table - that she worked in the very constrictive world of investment banking and therefore was required to behave a certain way or risk being 'frozen out'.  I hear from other women that there are plenty of organizations with a similar culture where one feels she must conform or risk being ostracized and ignored. It's not always a male dominated culture issue, but sometimes it is.

It's very popular to talk about being "authentic" and true to yourself.  And on that journey, it can be challenging to figure out who we are if we're maintaining a veneer of someone else in order to just get along.  You have to be clear on where the 'real you' begins and the alter ego ends.  And for those who are in this type of work scenario, is it possible to exist in those restrictive environments and yet still feel you're being true to yourself?  How much of our perception that we must conform is our own assumption?

The real question for you, however, is how do you show up?  Try this exercise - I did it last month and with a few text messages, got a wave of results within an hour.  It feels awkward when you first reach out, but it's well worth pushing past that.  First, everyone you touch is happy to participate.  Second, what you receive back will be both loving and enlightening.  So here you:

• On a piece of paper, draw three columns.  At the top of the first column, write "Family/Intimates."  At the top of the second column, write "Friends & Associates" and at the top of the third column, write "Acquaintances."

• Contact 3-5 people in your life who fit into each one of those categories for you and ask them to describe you in just three words.  That's it.

• Write the words ascribed to you under the appropriate column.  

And now consider what you see: how the people in your world see you.  Which one of those columns is closest to the "real" you?  Which one is the person you wish most to be?  Lucky for you, you already are that person.  You have the power to love that person.  You have the power to change that person.  Really, you have power.

So, how do you show up?

As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

When Real Work Infiltrates My Dreams

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty

DGC Principal

nho@dirtygirlsconsulting.com

I hate it when I dream about work.   And I’ve been dreaming about work a lot lately.

Usually, in dream-world I enjoy the free floating randomness of my mind.  Nothing is logical when I replay it in the bright light of morning, but in the dark of night the non-sequitor action sequences and the cast of characters that meander through are entertaining… freeing. 

When I start dreaming about work… well, to me that says that there’s too much being left undone in my day life.  Unproductive meetings of the day are replayed, but in Kubrick-esque circumstances.  Debates with coworkers take on Allen-type ridiculousness and unresolved arguments fester in absurdity.  The coffee machine only dispenses Bloody Marys.  I hate Bloody Marys.

These aren’t really nightmares, mind you, but they feel that way when I wake up.  Because it means I never left work. Even in those precious hours that I had total freedom to muster up any kind of insanity I wanted, my mind pulled me back to a day at the office.

And the result?  No rest.  I have not escaped the worries of the office, merely transformed them into a Burton-like world where I am haunted by both the reality and the irrationality.

Work dreams occur when I allow two things to happen: 

1. I don't resolve the issues I am dealing with in the office
2. I don't make the time to recharge myself in a healthy way 

So I know what I have to do to escape the work-laden overnight adventures.

Deal with work at work.

Sometimes this is easier said than done.  But the more I let unresolved conflicts chafe without pursuing a solution, the more my mind makes up stories to fill in gap, makes assumptions about other’s motivations, and creates multiple scenarios that bring me no closer to a true end game.  Whether it’s a disagreement with a coworker, meeting or missing a deadline or renegotiating an agreement, the longer it waits the more opportunity it has to wreak havoc with my mind.

Replenish, refuel, regain.

Whether I skip a run or skip the veggies, I feel it.  When I let work deplete my internal resources and don’t follow up with my own strategies for refilling them, then I’m not bringing my best self to the office.  Or home, for that matter.  You have to find ways to replenish your strength, refuel your passion and regain your perspective. There are countless articles on how important it is to take care of yourself so I won’t lecture here… but if you want the restless dreams to dissipate, this is a must.

I know I need to reset.  In last night’s dream, I set my coworker up on a date with a friend of mine, which in real life would be difficult since they live in different states and are, in reality, married to other people.  Another coworker was crying because she felt her boss didn’t value her work anymore.  She was sniveling over my laptop and I wanted to comfort her but I needed to drape baby wipes over the keys to prevent infection. I decided to hold my next team meeting at a crowded bar at 10pm at night.  Amid the shouting over the din and the multiple mai tais, we decided to introduce our next product with a Muppet theater extravanganza.  My boss transferred me to an office in Georgia – totally unrelated to the Muppet-themed product launch, of course.

See why I need to deal with things in my real world?  Because my dream world is not just chaos…it’s not even fun anymore.

Do you remember your dreams? Have you awoken from a dream feeling unsettled? Panicked? Restless?  Share in the comments how you balance your real world with your dream-world.

And don’t forget to share this post!