What's your pleasure... and your power?

Standing on stage and staring into a crowd of faces, some I knew, most I did not, I realized I had no where else to go. 

My solo moment...

I am frozen. I look back at the drummer and he nods.  The bass guitarist next to me says, "Let's go."  As he starts to strum, automatically my brain shifts into counting the beats. I know this. I got this. I release the lyrics like taffy, pulling at the lines. I have not forgotten the crowd in front of me but they are no longer foreign, separate. They are now my co-conspirators. We are reliving our past, together, remembering that one love, obsession, that was so overwhelming, there was nothing on earth we wouldn't do to keep it. I have relaxed into my voice. I am soaking up the energy of the crowd. I am feeling the warm buzz of pleasure radiating through my entire being, the emotion of it energizing me to give it my all and yet feeling completely at ease in the moment.

I step off stage and carry that with me - relaxed yet energized, fully feeling the pleasure of the moment. I am both giving and receiving joy. And I want to carry this feeling with me, always.

Where do you find pleasure?

Not the "my-kid-is-so-cute" moment or the "I-can't-believe-she-said-that-in-her-outside-voice" moment... those are fun, for sure.  But I'm talking about the kind of pleasurable experience that zings through your entire body and leaves you both feeling physically spent and fully energized?

I've recently been listening to some interviews with coach Kristin Sweeting Morelli and hormone expert Dr. Sara Gottfried, in which they posit that for women, our power center is replenished through experiencing pleasure - so this life we lead of waking early to start the laundry, get the kids to school, go to work, manage the after-school carpool, squeeze in gym time, grocery shop, cook, clean, help with homework, do our own work, etc... the list of activity goes on... it depletes us and we need to find ways to replenish ourselves. When we don't, we get addicted to the high level of stress - those super high cortisol levels that impact our mood, our mode of behavior and how we interact with the world - and we embrace the sense of martyrdom that goes with it.

Don't think that's you? When you insist that it is faster/easier/better if you just do it yourself... when you are annoyed that your husband or son didn't clean the kitchen the way they know you like it to be cleaned... when you take on yet another volunteer project and then complain that you have no time for yourself... 

Be honest, we all spend some time in martyrdom. And it's not a pretty place. Not for us and not for the people around us.

According to Sweeting Morelli and Gottfried, to replenish our strength and our soul, to reclaim a sense of peace and put the harried harpy of the day to rest, women need to tap into pleasure. Our stress levels are high, whether self-induced or not, and have a direct, measurable impact on our health and our relationships. If we allow our cortisol levels (the stress hormone) to get out of whack, we're in for a crash. And some drama. And undoubtedly more stress. 

The shortest, surest route to replenishing a healthy balance? For women, it's indulging in something pleasurable that releases oxytocin and raises serotonin levels. Sure, it can be that toe curling sexual pleasure (which is where your mind immediately went - come on, you know it did) and that one should be on everyone's list, but it is really anything that feeds and energizes your soul.  And we all have different ways of reaching into to that well and pulling our pleasure - and our power - back out of it.

Think of the last time you had a lengthy conversation with a girlfriend - or a few friends.  Ones who really get you.  How did you feel coming away from that?  Exhausted or energized?

Or perhaps on your last shopping excursion, you snatched up a hot pair of Jimmy Choo's at a bargain price... or if you're like me, new Asics or Saucony's.

Or maybe you finally attended that salsa dance class that you kept meaning to make time for... why hadn't you done that sooner?

You can replenish your soul by going to church. By attending yoga class. By getting a massage.

With my fantastic partner,
Mauricio Fernandez, aka Pitbull

Clearly, one of my pleasure zones is in singing - for an audience, for sure, but also alone in my car. I can get this high from running obstacle course races, from playing in the ocean, from writing... anything - my blog, a thank you note, an old fashioned love letter... the act of expressing myself on paper is pleasurable for me - and from reading a really good book. That may not sound exciting to you - and that's ok, we all have our own pleasure zones - but it works for me. It brings me back to a place where I can be present with my every day life - working full time, raising three teenagers, managing a menagerie of pets and the myriad activities that come with that life.

Every spontaneous, joyful moment and irrepressible laugh should be cherished. That momentary respite brings pleasure into any given moment. But in addition to that, we ought to be cultivating a regular cadence of pleasure that replenishes our soul.

So back to my original question: where do you find your pleasure?

If you want to learn more about the idea of women's power being centered in their ability to experience pleasure, and how our hormonal imbalances can dramatically affect our mood, our weight and our relationships, I strongly recommend reading Dr. Sara Gottfried's books and blogs as well as Kristin Sweeting Morelli's Red Tent Revival materials (she is no longer doing live events, which are phenomenal, fun and educational, but the recorded materials are available for purchase).

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering programs that support women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to develop this difference into  our strength. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to create an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here. 

Exactly what are you waiting for?

How often do you stop in the middle of your day, where ever you are - at your desk, in your car, at the grocery store, in a meeting - and say to yourself, "This is exactly what I want to be doing!"

Just a random guess... not often.

I mulled over these thoughts quite a bit during a recent three day period in which I alternated between concentrated time with people I care and time alone. And it's funny - when you're around people who inspire you, who love you and who bring out the best in you, suddenly you're very aware of everything you can be. Doubts melt away. Energy smolders and sizzles. You're ready to charge ahead and embrace your present and you wholeheartedly believe you can make anything happen for your future.

Until, of course, that 5am alarm goes off and you're back to walking the dogs, brewing coffee, waking up cranky teenagers, endlessly buying groceries (for said cranky teenagers), washing dishes, dodging telemarketers, shifting uncomfortably through meaningless meetings and hunched over your laptop late at night to meet deadlines.  When 'real life' kicks in, suddenly everything you can be becomes far less important than an extra 20 minutes of sleep or someone else taking out the trash for a change.

Because that's where we lose ourselves: in the mundane of the every day.

But what if we could celebrate that?

No, really: what if, with a sticky, odiferous white 13 gallon trash bag in hand as you fumble out to the trash barrel, you could stop, swat away the pesky flies and say to yourself, "This is exactly what I want to be doing!"

It's not the taking out of trash that is quite so celebratory - though I suppose, depending on what's in your trash, it could be. It's that you're in that moment, very much aware of who you are and where you are. You are part of the world that happens to include taking out the trash. And washing dishes. And paying bills.  And it's your world. Your reality. And it's of your making.

Own it. Embrace it. Love it. Live it.

We choose our path. We create both the present and the future, and it is up to us to stop our assumptions from getting in our way.  We can't find a new job because we're too old for a career change.  We can't move to a different city because it's too hard to start over. We can't start that new relationship because it's never going to work out anyway.  We can't end this current relationship because we've invested too much time in it already. We can't let go...

Well, why not?

If you can't look around you today, no matter what mundane, boring task it is you're mired in, and say to yourself, "This is exactly what I want to be doing!" then perhaps it's time to reassess. Something is cluttering your life, your thoughts and your heart.  Think about what needs to change so that the mundane doesn't bury your soul, but is just one more action in your ability to live through your soul.

How much time do we spend thinking, "It would be nice if..." and "One day, I want to..." What is it we're waiting for in order for those things to happen? More money? More time? A different opportunity? How much will waiting actually help those things to happen? What's supposed to be happening while you're waiting? Who's making it happen?

And that is what I realized during that three day period: waiting for my goals to happen wasn't really getting me very far. I need to proactively create the life I want.  A life that includes making time for the people important to me. It includes focusing my energy on work that I love. It is dedicated to making the most of each moment. And it means occasionally washing the dishes. Buying groceries. Dealing with cranky teens. Buying more groceries. And taking out the trash.


Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to create an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here. 

Are you one of the Walking Dead?

2014 was not an easy year. 

I would sit at my desk, fingers at my temples vainly massaging at yet another migraine, and think, "Thank God, this year is almost over."  I would lean against my kitchen counter, too tired to cook but too tired to go out, fighting the desire for a bag of potato chips and trying desperately to tune into the words of my daughter as she describes her latest art project.  I would race from work, to Kendo, to the store, to the vet, to the doctor... wondering when I could grasp a few moments of silence on a solitary run. Yes, 2014 was a year long on hours, short on relief.

But last week, in a rare moment of downtime, I sifted through my photos from the past year.  And I realized, as I scanned the moments captured in between the piercing migraines and soul-thrashing potato chip cravings, that I have been focusing on quite the wrong things.

One year ago, this week, my kids and I completed a six-day road trip from Arizona to Florida, stopping along the way to run three miles amid the aliens of Roswell, devour the best breakfast in the United States in a tiny southwestern diner we stumbled upon by chance, explore the fantastic underground caves of Sonora, relive the brutality at the Alamo, enjoy dinner on San Antonio's Riverwalk and spend New Year's Eve reveling on Bourbon Street in New Orleans.  Shortly after that, we finished the Special Ops Spartan Sprint in Tampa, kayaked in the Everglades, paddle boarded along the quiet beaches of Naples, broke out of a Miami Beach prison cell in 60 minutes, hiked the White Tank Mountain in Arizona, walked Hollywood Blvd in Los Angeles, celebrated my 20 year wedding anniversary in London, caught many pounds of snapper in the deep blue waters of the Gulf, practiced marksmanship under an FBI sharpshooter instructor (who also happens to be my uncle) and ran a few more obstacle course races...

So what was I rubbing my temples about?

Oh, there were challenges in 2014. Believe me... more than a few.  It's so easy to remember the negative.  To focus on the moments that cause our hearts to drop into our stomach, that keep our minds whirring and problem solving into the wee hours of the morning.  These are the moments that keep us trapped in the negative, that cause us to freeze, to worry.  When has worry ever, ever, been a productive part of your life?  It isn't.  It paralyzes us so that we're not living, but we're in zombie
mode, not really paying attention to what's going on around us.  It's autopilot, just going through the motions to get through the day. Who wants to just 'get through' a day?

Reality? Those moments make up parts of my life, yes. I will never fully eliminate worry or stress. I can't control my beloved mutt, Sika, much less the rest of the world.  But when I look back at 2014, I don't want to remember the time spent reconciling the household budget, calling the plumber yet again for the clogged toilet or taking Big Ben to the mechanic. Again.  Instead, I want to recall the excitement on my oldest son's face when he climbed inside a Cessna for his first flight lesson; cheering my youngest son, in full Kendo gear, as he brings his instructor to his knees is a swift, graceful move with his sword; singing random not-so-pop songs in Big Ben with my daughter, enjoying these last few months with her before college looms next fall;  drinking wine in the gorgeous central square of Strasbourg, Germany, with my husband. I choose to remember crossing the Continental Divide and exploring the vineyards in Napa Valley with my Dirty Girl partner.  I soak myself in the memories of a challenging half marathon, a lovely dinner on the beach and successfully (sometimes) staring down Sheila, my self-sabotage gremlin who adores those damn potato chips.

Why would I let the mundane and temporary worries of a late work project or a failed water heater overshadow all this?

But I did.  We all do.

So for 2015... and here after... let's not go there.  Let's not live in temporary crisis mode.  Don't let the clogged toilet outweigh the success of brewing a perfect pot of coffee. Stop worrying about your kitchen being clean enough for the neighbors to pop in and instead enjoy their conversation and fresh baked cookies.  Let the laundry sit another day if it means a few extra hours of the Walking Dead marathon with your kids.  Is it more important to have a clean bra or shared moment with your offspring? I am not minimizing the importance of a clean bra... really, I'm not... but I can't recapture that moment with my kids and I can always squeeze in a late night load of laundry if I'm desperate.


There are so many things we "can't" do because the mundane becomes our "must."  This is our guilt gremlin talking. It's our fear. We must get the dishes done now. We must organize the pantry.  We must sweep the garage.  We must do these things that tick off the checklist for daily life management.  But why? What stops in our world, what crashes down on our fragile heads if the spice rack isn't alphabetized, if the carpet isn't vacuumed this moment or if you Febreze your bra because you forgot to wash it?  (Right, like you never thought of that...)

I am not advocating total irresponsibility.  I am not suggesting you never balance your checkbook, clean your house or vacuum out your car.  I am merely asking you to consider where, given your choices for living your life, those tasks fall in your order of priority and tackle them accordingly.

A full life doesn't have to be exotic or expensive.  My thrill on New Year's Day? I discovered a new brand of coffee that will now gloriously fuel my addiction.  My best moment over the holidays?  Lunch with my family, listening to all the inside jokes and inanity (insanity?) that creates our home culture and that surely looks and sounds bizarre to an outside observer. But we know what we mean and there is joy and comfort in that. What is living successfully?  You decide. But make it about you... not about the details that can overrun your life.

My house will always be chaotic and what my DGC partner affectionately calls "lived in".  But my door is always open.  My home cooked meals sometimes start with dessert.  But the conversation over brownie sundaes and grilled cheese sandwiches is always entertaining.  And no matter how hard I try, I will always be behind on laundry.  But I am not missing a single episode of the Walking Dead with my boys for the sake of clean... anything.

That's where my focus will be in 2015.  Where is yours?

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

It's just fear... in really good shoes, but it's still fear

It's very cliche to talk about the journey.  

We're all on a journey.  It's all about the journey, not the destination.  We each have our own journey.  But a journey is a hard thing - it implies long distances, singular adversity and undoubtedly a little bad weather.

What if it's not a journey?  

What if it's an expanse... wide open spaces that surround us.  Make a slow, 360 degree turn.  We can choose to go in any given direction.  We can choose to head into a city or a sleepy village, a forrest or the beach. We can choose to move towards people or away from them.  We can choose to eat chicken breasts and mixed greens or fried chicken and mashed potatoes smothered in gravy.  Or my personal favorite, lava cake and tawny port...

We can choose.

So why don't we?

Think of the number of decisions you make in any given day, week or year.  How many of those reflect what you believe is the 'right' decision - the decision that will have friends, family and society at large smiling kindly at you?

A lot.  We make a lot of decisions to just get along.  We seek affirmation and value from those around us and we make decisions that make it more likely we'll garner that approval.  We choose our brand of peanut butter based on what was the cupboard when we were kids.  We like the cars our fathers drove.  We majored in parent-approved fields, dated friend-approved men, wear peer-approved clothing and adopt boss-approved behaviors at work.  And we do much of it without thinking. This is how we're trained.  This is how we get along.  We stumble into each stage of our life, following the pattern of what's expected without questioning what we want. We go to school, we get married, we have kids, we have jobs...

What happens when you make a decision that is truly reflective of what you want and who you are?  For starters, you might actually get what you want.  That's the upside.  But the rest...?  Our family might think we're making bad choices.  Our friends might disapprove.  Our peers may raise an eyebrow and gossip.  Our boss might deny that promotion. We might be ignored. We might be shunned. We might be happy. That's a lot of mights.

And it's a lot of fear.

We keep up appearances.  We move forward through the parent-approved life playbook, marry the friend-approved man and dress in our peer-approved high heels.  And we fall forward into these lives not even conscious that much of what drives us is fear... "in really good shoes, but it's still fear," (thank you, Elizabeth Gilbert).

Decisions are not always as easy as buying a jar of peanut butter or choosing between classic black leather pumps or a strappy red heel.  When you consider divorce, illness, a new job, a cross country move... other people are involved and impacted.  Sometimes legalities add complications.  But at the end of the day, you still have to make a decision.  Or put another way, you have to decide how to best explore your possibilities.  What criteria will you use?

Most of us don't even see the 360 degree expanse of the world that is around us and the unending possibilities.  We are focused on that journey, with predetermined curves and bumps, with the embedded idea of a predetermined destination.  Most days, we aren't even sure which turn we took to get us this far along the journey in the first place.

So I invite you to stop. Make the 360 degree turn. Slowly. Really take in the possibilities. Forget the journey. Open your eyes to the expanse around you.  It can be overwhelming.  It can be deafening.  It can be freeing. There are decisions to be made out there. They are ours to make, to consciously choose and own.

Put your favorite heels on - you know, the strappy four-inch ones that your mom hates and your best friend covets - and step firmly forward.  In any direction you choose.


Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Obstacle #11: To flirt or not to flirt at work

Flirting is a power tactic.

Whether at work or at play, the art of flirtation is about persuasion and control.  And fun.  I am not asserting that flirting is positive or negative in any situation. This obstacle is one each of us needs to figure out individually, the way in which we're most comfortable working through it.  So let's consider the art - and obstacle - of flirtation at the office.

First, just what is flirting?  For the purposes of the work environment discussion, and as evaluated in various studies, flirting is defined as personal charm that incorporates playfulness, flattery and a level of sexiness.  This is a step beyond friendliness, which is defined as exhibiting warmth and interest.  Flirting is deliberate attempts to have the opposite party notice your particular charm.

So, what if you knew that flirting benefitted you in negotiations?

Women who flirted during negotiations in which a clear "zero sum" exchange needed to take place (goods for money, for example) obtained better terms when their counterpart was male.  If you knew you could receive a higher discount or a better set of terms, would you smile a little more brightly or offer a compliment?  Put so bluntly, it feels icily calculated.  But think for a minute about the men you work with - if you share a private joke, a sidelong glance, if you touch his arm or tell him you like the way his shirt brings out the color of his eyes, are you friendly or flirting? When men have an elevation in mood due to what they perceive as flirting (and flattery), they are more amenable in negotiations.

But not all the time.  When women flirt with men in negotiations where both parties are trying to achieve a gain, they are less successful. The overall success of a mutual negotiation is higher - a larger pie is carved out between two friendly parties.  But the slicing of that pie does not favor the flirting woman.  She managed to improve the benefits to both of them, by helping to expand the potential rewards, but statistically she isn't able to claim her competitive share of that pie.

So perhaps you could argue that you'd rather not take chances on the type of misunderstanding flirting at work can bring and since not all negotiations are successful, you will rely on your no-nonsense smarts to work through those delicate conversations.  And that's certainly an option.

But this obstacle has another slippery slide.  It's not your standard eight foot wall to scale.  It's more like that inverted wall where you have to pull your weight up the inverted side and then use all your strength to haul yourself over the inverted top and avoid toppling down the "easy" side, which can result in injury.  And mud.  There's always mud.

Consider the challenge of likability.  Women in leadership roles fight the likability battle regularly.  If we're assertive, we're bossy or a less kind b-word.  If we insist or debate, we're pushy and hard.  We use "male" qualities to manage and get ahead in a man's environment, and yet those same qualities that brand men as strong leaders make women brassy and cold.  The social cost is high. This impression also leads to misconception around competence - women who are viewed as overly aggressive by their male peers are also viewed as less competent.  Women who flirt with their peers, on the other hand, are perceived as friendly.  When women are perceived as friendly and competent, their ability to be heard and negotiate is amplified.

What if you knew that men flirt more than women in the workplace to get what they want? 

Catherine Hakim, social scientist and author of Erotic Capital: The Power of Attraction in the Boardroom and the Bedroom, says we should unabashedly use our feminine charms.  We have them, why hide them?  Men have no such qualms about using their charisma or looks if they believe it will provide some leverage, so why are we ashamed to?

Of course, there is also the risk of misunderstanding.  Is a real relationship blossoming here or is this merely bantering fun at work? We - men and women - can feel taken advantage of once we realize the other person wanted nothing more than that moment of flirtation - and perhaps  for you to help write that update for the CEO's pet project.

So where do you stand on the concept of flirting in the work place?  Victoria Pynchon advises that if you're going to do it, do it genuinely. Don't fake compliments, don't flirt with men you're not comfortable with.  Rather, play into the positive qualities before you. "I've never known anyone who was so thoroughly repugnant that I couldn't find something to love in them."

So how do you overcome this obstacle?  And how do you handle others who flirt with you?

Studies used in this discussion: 

Feminine Charm: An Experimental Analysis of its Costs and Benefits in Negotiations by Laura J. Kray, Connson C. Locke and Alex B. Van Zant (July 2012)
SIRC Guide to Flirting by Kate Fox (2014)
The Five Flirting Styles by Jeffrey Hall (2013)

As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Knock, knock... Who's there?

How do you answer that question?

How often does that answer change?

If we shake hands at the office, I get to know you under a professional pretense.  But if we meet at a neighborhood barbecue in our summer shorts with a beer in hand, am I meeting the same person? Or do you bring different personas to your personal and professional life?  And perhaps yet a third person to the gym or to a charity board of directors' meeting?

Certainly, there are aspects of who we are and how we share that are more appropriate at work versus the backyard barbecue.  I might share stories at work about past projects and former bosses, whereas at the barbecue, I'll probably blather on for hours about my kids or obstacle course racing.  In either case, I might modify the content of my message but I am not really changing me… I am the same geeky but self-assured bookworm always ready to laugh at a joke.

But have you ever met someone at work who presented herself a particular way and then later, at a cocktail reception or chance grocery store run-in, you felt like you were meeting a whole new person?  I don't mean someone having an 'off day' - I mean someone who regularly brings different personalities into different situations.  Perhaps it's a more secretive nature that likes to keep things mysterious.  But I have to wonder: how much work is it to stretch yourself into a different role to fit a different scenario?  And what is the purpose of contorting into those roles anyway?

One acquaintance of mine explained that her job required her to bring a different personality to the table - that she worked in the very constrictive world of investment banking and therefore was required to behave a certain way or risk being 'frozen out'.  I hear from other women that there are plenty of organizations with a similar culture where one feels she must conform or risk being ostracized and ignored. It's not always a male dominated culture issue, but sometimes it is.

It's very popular to talk about being "authentic" and true to yourself.  And on that journey, it can be challenging to figure out who we are if we're maintaining a veneer of someone else in order to just get along.  You have to be clear on where the 'real you' begins and the alter ego ends.  And for those who are in this type of work scenario, is it possible to exist in those restrictive environments and yet still feel you're being true to yourself?  How much of our perception that we must conform is our own assumption?

The real question for you, however, is how do you show up?  Try this exercise - I did it last month and with a few text messages, got a wave of results within an hour.  It feels awkward when you first reach out, but it's well worth pushing past that.  First, everyone you touch is happy to participate.  Second, what you receive back will be both loving and enlightening.  So here you:

• On a piece of paper, draw three columns.  At the top of the first column, write "Family/Intimates."  At the top of the second column, write "Friends & Associates" and at the top of the third column, write "Acquaintances."

• Contact 3-5 people in your life who fit into each one of those categories for you and ask them to describe you in just three words.  That's it.

• Write the words ascribed to you under the appropriate column.  

And now consider what you see: how the people in your world see you.  Which one of those columns is closest to the "real" you?  Which one is the person you wish most to be?  Lucky for you, you already are that person.  You have the power to love that person.  You have the power to change that person.  Really, you have power.

So, how do you show up?

As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Bushwhacked! (Obstacle #9)

I walk right into it.

Should I have anticipated it? Maybe. It's happened before. Should I have been better prepared?  Perhaps. Should I defend myself against the attack? I think so...

But I don't.

I freeze.

Several different thoughts and emotions run through my mind and body as I am hit by verbal punch after punch.  I don't protest because I believe sounding defensive makes me weak.  I don't launch a counter attack because there's no way I win - this isn't a debate.  And as the ranting continues, I feel that niggling of doubt… the bullies who are really clever, really experienced at the art of ambush know how to find that word or phrase with just enough truth in it to make you pause and think, "Wait, is this true?  Am I a total screw up?"

Afterwards, nursing my psychic wounds, I think of all the smart comebacks and righteous responses… and I am angry at myself for freezing up.  Why do we freeze when when attacked?  Research suggests several ideas that go through our heads in that moment: we don't want to amplify the attack, we do not want to be ridiculed by how we respond, we worry about not being liked and we don't want to put our attacker in an uncomfortable position.  Funny, huh?  Even in that moment, we worry about the feelings of our attacker.

I hate this particular obstacle. First, while I am looking at this from a "women in the workplace" angle, let's be fair and acknowledge that men get bullied and women can be bullies.  It's not really a gender issue.  But in the case of women, especially in male dominated work places, it's not easy to climb over or plow through - it requires training.  When I train for my mud runs and obstacle course races, it's easy to identify what I need to work on.  I dangle then drop from the monkey bars - more arms and shoulders.  I teeter across the balance beam and stumble into the mud pit - more core training.  The traverse wall is consistently a crapshoot - more everything.

How do you train for an ambush - a surprise attack so you can't anticipate? Maybe you can't plan for the specific type of obstacle being shoved in your path, but you can train yourself to respond to the general obstacle of the corporate bushwhack.  You can train yourself to break through your stunned frozen state and move to positive action.

• Fight or flight?  In the case of an ambush, usually neither is effective.  Fighting can escalate an already-tense situation and fleeing the scene allows the bully to try this tactic with you again. You want to put a stop to repeated ambush attacks, so your goal in this moment is to stand still, stay calm and identify the trigger of the ambush.  Assess the obstacle.  What placed this here? How firm is it? How sharp? Once you understand the trigger, you can step back from the burst of negative emotions and make a smarter decision about how you choose to respond.  

I have often found that rarely do these attacks have anything to do with our actual performance or actions. It often stems from the attacker's own insecurities. A former boss used to ambush me when he felt vulnerable, when he perceived himself to be open to criticism by his boss or peers. Once I recognized this trigger, I could sometimes predict the next attack.  And at that point, I was able to step back from taking his attacks personally. This wasn't about me. This wasn't even about reality, so there was no point in responding with a protest or defense. Instead, I could move on to other strategies.

• Focus on the facts - and only the relevant facts. Bullies blend both fact and fiction, which can confuse you marvelously.  What is relevant to the real issue at hand? Is the point of this attack around a specific work issue?  Is it voicing an opinion on an interpersonal relationship? When responding to your attacker, use your newfound calm to address the relevant facts and shift this to a constructive discussion.  Ask questions of your attacker that clarify his or her  thoughts and take some of the personal element out of the attack.  Climb this obstacle carefully, placing your footing on the salient points and avoiding the sharp edges of sarcasm or curtness.

Ambushers aren't accustomed to being challenged in a poised manner.  By not blustering or muttering half-hearted defenses, and instead calmly but firmly focusing on something factual, you can dissolve the negative energy.  Direct the attacker to the root of the accusation and ask him/her to explain it more fully. This not only puts the attacker - politely and professionally - in the explanatory position, but also and teaches him/her how to treat you (thank you, Eleanor Roosevelt): you are not one to be distracted or confused by blathering but will deal directly with any real issues.

• Establish your voice. Not just by sticking to the fact and being a voice of reason, but watch your tone and tenor. This impacts the reception of your message. It's not a gender bias problem - men do it, women do it, children do it… I'm pretty sure my cat does, too.  We are wired to respond to sensual stimulation - often with judgement and prejudice, or put more kindly, with the influence of our past experience.  So when we need our voice to be heard, the actual pitch of our voice makes a difference.  And studies have shown that men do interpret the higher pitched, faster paced voice of a woman to be "emotional" rather than just passionate.*  We can't necessarily rewire that perception and certainly not in a moment of attack.  Get over that smaller obstacle and pay attention to both what you say and how you say it.

• Learn to recognize the Kobayashi Maru of attacks.  The famous no-win scenario from Star
  Trek is a valuable lesson: if you can't beat it, at least learn to recognize the un-winnable.  If you know the trigger of the attack has nothing to do with you, and if the spray of negativity has no root in a solvable issue (or a real one) then learn to walk away.  Often in these attacks, we are afraid of being perceived as weak… or worse yet, if we don't defend ourselves the attack must be true.  But there is no point in climbing this obstacle or expending energy breaking it down. 

Walking away can be the hardest strategy to deploy.  It can feel like defeat. But it's not about being the "bigger" or more mature person at that point. It's about protecting yourself from unwarranted attacks by removing yourself from a no-win situation.

So when walking past this obstacle, how far do you walk? 

Changing roles within your organization to put yourself out of the line of fire is one option.  Changing companies altogether is another.  It is a more significant measure but none of us should tolerate a bully at work, and especially if it looks like the perpetrator isn't going anywhere soon.  Going to your human resources leader also an option, to discuss what might be done and at the very least, raise visibility and awareness around the issue.  Healthy companies and strong executive teams need to address a perpetual bully or they will continue to lose talent.  

Whichever path you choose, you still have control. Take it. Throughout life, we will deal with unusual people, complex personalities and unexpected situations. That makes our day so much more interesting.  But that doesn't mean we let them become obstacles on our path.


NB - For your consideration: current statistics** about bullying at work are not optimistic:

• Over 60% of women have experienced bullying at work
• Women are the targets of bullies 79% of the time
• 78% of those bullied leave their place of employment
• On average, 70% of those bullied ask for help at work (executive management, HR, unions)
• Success rate in effective resolution after asking for help: 3%

*2012 survey by the consulting firm Flynn Heath Holt.
** 2012 study from WBI


As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs for women and their unique challenges. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. Dirty Girls coaches women to explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals and cultivating an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

The Zen of Candy Crush: Five Life Lessons

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty

DGC Principal

nho@dirtygirlsconsulting.com

It's my dirty little secret.

My children are mortified.

My friends roll their eyes and shrug.

Yes, I play Candy Crush.

There are a wealth of lessons to be learned in this seemingly simple, time-wasting-brain-cell-destroying app.  So before you judge too harshly, consider:

Lesson #1: The strategy behind eliminating jellies
Do I move the red candy to the left and eliminate three other solid red candies?  Or... do I move the green candy to the right and eliminate two of those dastardly jellies? Which move will line up five yellow candies so I can get the jimmie-covered chocolate bonbon?  Candy Crush is all about thinking ahead... I have a limited number of moves and must maximize each decision to eliminate jellies or bring down the fruit.  I have to think about my choices, the implications two or three moves ahead and avoid getting blocked off by those chocolate squares.

How often do we use that much careful consideration in our day to day decisions or at the office?


Lesson #2: Let your friends share in the sweetness
There comes a point where you need to get to the next level.  You have two options:

• You can stay at your current level and repeat the lessons over and over again until finally the game takes pity (you 'crush' it five more times) and you are allowed to pass from Cupcake Circus to Caramel cove. Depending on the difficulty and your determination, you could be banging your head against this level for weeks.
• You can reach out to your Candy Crushing friends and ask them to help you.  By sending you a 'ticket', your friends can unlock the next level. Your friends can get you to the next adventure in minutes or hours, and you don't have to repeat the lessons already learned in the previous level.

We often forget that other people have information, skills and ideas that can help us.  And as human beings, we have an amazing willingness to help our brethren.  We are so wrapped in our own story and often so focused on "I can do it" that we forget that "I" don't have to.  So share the sugary sweetness... and bask in the rainbow glow of your pals' cheerful assistance.

Lesson #3: Discover each tool's best, highest use
Much like our friends, we often forget that there are tools available to us to make our lives and our jobs a little easier.  The boosters in Candy Crush let me eliminate more candies and jellies to reach my goal efficiently. I have to carefully consider which tool it makes sense to use and when to use it.  Choosing the wrong booster or tool is a wasted opportunity and can cost me lives.

Are you using the tools available to you?  And are you using the right ones at the right time? I never understood my husband's irritation when I'd use a screwdriver to open a paint can until I caught him using one of my nifty Togodashi kitchen knives to open a box of pancake mix. The right tools for the right job makes all the difference.  I won't ruin the tips of his screwdrivers and he won't dull my blades. We both win.


Lesson #4: Play it loud, play it proud
My children often berate me for playing Candy Crush.  How do they know I'm playing?  They know because the game sends updates through Facebook when I've crushed another level.  Woohoo!  Well, woohoo for me but my offspring are embarrassed by the public pronouncements. They've asked me to turn the notifications off, but truthfully, I don't know how. Even if I did, though, I don't care to.

In life and work, I think we just don't celebrate enough.  Every advancement to the next level is an accomplishment.  Even if it only took one or two attempts, even if it was ridiculously easy, it signifies forward motion.  I got through a full day without scarfing on Oreos... yea, me!  I finished that presentation two days before the deadline... rock on!  Remember, every forward motion is one step closer to your goal.  No matter what that goal is.  I am moving ahead. I am achieving the goals I set out to do. So, yes... level 167 in Candy Crush? Woohoo!

How often do you celebrate?

Lesson #5: Be a good competitor
What makes a good competitor?

Someone who wins?  Sure.

Someone who trains well and is prepared?  Of course.

But the mark of a true competitor?  Someone who gets up and tries again when faced with failure. Time and again, as you face stubborn jellies, licorice locks and multiplying chocolate pieces you suffer defeat... then get back in there for another round. Learn from last round's errors, test new strategies, pick effective tools... and persevere until you achieve success.  In what part of your life does this lesson not apply?  Whether training for my next half marathon or trying to perfect a healthy-but-still-yummy Sunday morning pancake recipe, repeated attempts are mandatory, part of the training.  Do I need a winning pancake recipe?  Of course.  But the journey of finding one is more than half the fun, too.  Enjoy the competition itself, not just the rewards.

Candy Crush is a Zen game.  With every level, you learn to pause.  Breathe.  Take it in, consider your options, breathe out. When I rush through a game, I inevitably make a decision - move the blue candy up! - and as soon as I swipe, the realization flashes before me that if I had paused another half second and moved the green candy left instead, I could have eliminated more jellies and set myself up for a bonus striped or wrappered candy.

I appreciate those Zen moments: slow down, think through your next steps, and then let go.  Every game is a clean slate.  Every level is a new opportunity. We do not cling to baggage from prior levels, but we do take our tools and boosters with us.  And our friends.

So scoff if you must. Join my middle child in his disdainful groan of superiority. Support my oldest and  youngest in their impassioned argument that Candy Crush is ruining the gaming industry.  Yes, there are better things I could be doing with my time. No, I am not changing the world or bettering mankind in the time I spend swiping rainbow colored candies and meandering through the Pudding Pagoda.  But I am relaxing, recharging and for a short time, playing in the Minty Meadow and crossing Bubblegum Bridge.

But do not forget... we can find lessons in everything.  Now, how do I get past those candy bombs so I can make it to level 168?


As always, your comments are welcome.  And don't forget to share this blog!

Obstacle #3: Can you hear me now?

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty

DGC Principal

nho@dirtygirlsconsulting.com

"You make a good point.  And this idea makes sense.  Let's talk about how we move this forward."

My idea just received executive approval.  I was sitting around a small formica conference table with our head of operations, chief technology officer, vice president of services and vice president of delivery.   And the idea I proposed was just validated as a smart, new direction for our business.

I should be feeling elated.  But I wasn't.

I had voiced the idea twenty minutes earlier.  At the time, the four men in the room looked at me, nodded and said, "That's really not our core competency, Natalie.  I don't know how much of a story we could really build around that."

Fast forward twenty minutes.  Why were they suddenly saying that my story idea, a new direction for the company, was the right idea?

Because one minute before that moment, the head of services restated my idea. In his own words.  But still my idea.

Welcome to Obstacle #3
Why wasn't I heard?  Why wasn't I getting credit for proposing this bold new move?

I can tell you why - now, in hindsight, of course - but first let's recognize that I am not alone.  There is plenty of discussion around why women feel they do not have a voice in senior level meetings or the boardroom.  Heath Flynn Holt, a consulting firm, wrote an article (Harvard Business Review, June 2014) about their 2012 study which identified some interesting thoughts from the male perspective:

• over 30% of men felt women didn't focus their ideas concisely enough
• over 50% of men said women didn't control the floor when they had it

This is compounded by women themselves stating that they don't feel they are loud enough to overcome the chatter and verbal one-upmanship of a group of men and they feel at a disadvantage when surrounded by men who are not part of their support system.

When staring this obstacle down. how should I have tackled it? First, to borrow a phrase my Dirty Girl partner uses often, how did I "show up" to the meeting? And second, how did I want to show up?

Walk into a room already feeling at a disadvantage - outnumbered and unsupported by your peers - and that's going to "show up" in how you present yourself.  Sit down dreading boisterous interruptions; you're going to get interrupted. Worry about being challenged; you'll freeze when you get push-back. Bring your insecurity to the table; self-doubt will sit down and have lunch.  They do that, our insecurities.  They feed.

But how did I want to show up?  Unsupported, nervous and insecure were not the words on the top of my list.  So before walking into that room - where perhaps being outnumbered is a given - think about who you want to bring with you.  You can't change the fact that you are the only woman in the room.  You can't change the fact that the men in the room are going to see you as a woman.  But you absolutely control what kind of woman are they going to see.

So what would that take, for you to show up as confident and knowledgable?  For one, it means excusing self doubt from the table, firmly, and dusting off the crumbs.  You know what you know. In fact, you know more than that.  Your ideas stem from the benefit of your experience and your intelligence -  the same traits that got you to this table in the first place.  When you "show up" as that confident, composed leader, that's what your table mates see.

It sounds so simple to say, "Just push that baggage aside and be great!"

But it is simple.  It's just not always easy.

Does defending your idea make you defensive?
The art of debate in the boardroom is remembering that we're all there for the same purpose - for the benefit of the company.  Staying composed can be difficult if you're interpreting every tough question as an attack - especially if your last interaction with Rob from sales or Kevin from human resources was not as productive as you would have liked. Staying focused on the facts and the key message will help you keep an even tone, avoiding any interpretation of being too emotional or highly defensive. Sometimes, bluntly reminding the people around the table of that goal - benefiting the company - can help alleviate the politics that can come into play when your idea is challenged and serve to keep you focused.

Why do they do it?  How do we respond?  

If I had asked my coworker afterwards why he stole my idea, I can pretty much guarantee you he'd stare at me like I had morphed into General Ackbar.

He didn't steal my idea because he didn't hear it. What he heard was, "Well… maybe… this might not be the right track… perhaps… it could be… we should consider…. I'm not sure this is the best idea but…"

Twenty minutes later, my coworker said, "Definitely… now… we must… I believe… this is… I know."  Whatever nuggets of my idea did seep in, he simply made better.  More powerful.

So who's idea would you follow?

It's a generalization but I'm going to say it anyway: women have tend to frame ideas in softer, more hesitant language.  We don't like to appear pushy.  We don't want to be labeled arrogant. We know - studies tell us repeatedly - that we are not likable when we assert ourselves (that's a whole other blog since we're playing to a perceived bias, not a real one...) The mission in my meeting was to get my point across, to propose an idea I firmly believed would get the company to the next stage. Yet, despite being one of the most direct people I know and I still fell into this verbal pandering.  But who are we pandering to? We aren't serving ourselves and we aren't serving the men in the room, either. They don't care. They don't even hear us.

Had I framed my idea as I truly believed in it and used language to convey not just my faith in my idea but the knowledge I had to back it up - the market data, the understanding of how media works - I would have "shown up" far more powerfully.  And probably shortened the meeting by twenty minutes.

So, your turn: has this happened to you?  While each of us faces a different situation, often the dynamics around the obstacle are similar.  What's your obstacle training look like?

As always, your comments and thoughts are welcome.  And don't forget to share this blog!

N.B.  I am aware that I am posting my obstacles "out of order" numerically.  I will beg your indulgence. It's just how I think.  And really, there is no good order to obstacles.  Is there?

Just get over it...

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty

DGC Principal

nho@dirtygirlsconsulting.com

Get over yourself.
Get over your fears.
Get over those hurt, misunderstood feelings.
Get over those hurdles.

Because once you get over, you can get on, right?  Get on with your goals, get on with your dreams, get on with your life.  The only thing holding us back from getting on is getting over.

There's merit to this.  "Get over it" suggests that sometimes, it doesn't help us to spend obstinate hours mulling over why a meeting went sideways or why our words were misunderstood.  Sometimes, it really is in our best interest to chalk it up to experience, to chance or mishap, and just keep plowing forward.  Especially in those situations where there's no fix, there's no changing the outcome, and there's really little chance for a future repeat.  Get over it and get on with it.

However, "get over it" can also be an excuse to gloss over an uncomfortable moment.

I've referred several times in my blogs and postings to the "glass obstacle course" that women in business face - women in any business, but especially in male dominated industries.  I've been noodling over a series of blogs about the glass obstacle course concept, and last week, I wrote a list of what I perceive those obstacles to be.  As I wrote it, I thought, "Wow, I am starting to sound like one of those strident femi-Nazis that Rush Limbaugh used to make fun of…"  And suddenly, concern about being assigned to that particular group paused my list-making.  What is it in my generation that makes many women uncomfortable with the word "feminist"?  Is it because we're sandwiched between the extreme stereotype of the man-hating, bra burning, "second wave feminists" of the 60s and 70s, and the blithely oblivious millennials who still have a thin understanding of the impact gender plays in our lives, at work and at home?  I scribbled some notes, I expanded my list of glass obstacles, and I sat uncomfortably with the idea of being a feminist writer. 

And then I just got over it.

Worrying about being labeled is something that I can justify needing to "just get over it."  I can't control any name-calling or pigeon-holing that might take place based on how someone interprets my words.

But I can't justify "just getting over" the obstacles on the list I created. We need to work through these, sometimes crush these… but we do ourselves a disservice to ignore or make light of them. Workplace challenges are very real.  Telling women to just get over it means telling them to play along to get along in corporate America - in the name of getting along with men.  This is not a new concept but what I keep seeing are articles and videos and speeches by women, for women, that tell us how to play the game.  Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In describes a lot of the challenges in corporate culture.  She lays out in the open the pitfalls women face when advancing their careers.  But her guidance to other women is very narrow.  Her own story, while true to her, isn't everyone's story.  Not all of us have a wonderfully supportive husband.  Not all of us have husbands.  Not all of us want to play the corporate game under the existing rules of engagement. Anne Marie Slaughter tells women they can't have it all… at least, not what they want when the want it.  Life is about making decisions but if you believe you can't have your all when and where you want it, then you're right. You won't. You already decided that.

The majority of advice women hear is about contorting themselves to conform to the man's game.  This still puts the control in the hands of men - we adjust our rhythms to a pattern men are comfortable and then we can get ahead. But I posit that men and women don't even define "having it all" the same way, so why are we playing their game?

There are two concepts I want to discuss throughout my next several blogs:

• First, the glass obstacle course is real.  Some obstacles are there as a result of history and culture.  Some are there because we women put them there.  It is worth the time to examine them and figure out the smartest way to get over them.  Some we will need to smash. Some we might rebuild into a new pathway through.  And some, well, we might just need to get over them.  
• Second, there's no denying office politics, corporate culture and games that are played when climbing the proverbial ladder.  You want to play that game - you want that c-level title?  Fine.  That's an admirable objective.  But does that mean you need to play their game? We need to explore our own power to change the rules and the outcomes of these games.  Educate our peers - male and female - on our expectations for the rules of engagement.

I invite you to join me on an exploration of the glass obstacle course and the rules of engagement.  Everyone's is a little bit different, but I bet many of the obstacles I've seen and faced are the same as yours.  We're not going to smash every obstacle, but we're going to do our best to avoid those tiny, painful slivers of glass when we do.  More than anything, we will have an honest conversation about what we want and how we go about getting it. On our terms.

As always, your comments and thoughts are welcome.  And don't forget to share this blog!

The joy of surprise. The beauty of routine.

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty

DGC Principal

nho@dirtygirlsconsulting.com

I like surprises.

At Corkscrew Sanctuary

Once or twice a year, I pull my kids out of school for a "surprise day"… instead of sitting in the classroom going through another set of math drills and literary lessons, we paddle board in the gulf of Mexico, kayak amidst the mangroves or hike trails through wildlife sanctuaries.  Or we sit in an empty movie theater, then overeat bacon burgers, seasoned fries and chocolate shakes.  I believe going out and experiencing life is just as educational as sitting in a classroom.  I believe spending time together is even more enlightening - for all of us.  I thought this made me a cool parent.  While my kids appreciate a day out of school, they have taught me something: we are wired very differently.

Parasailing at
Ft. Myers beach

When my offspring hear, "Today is surprise day!" the house echoes with groans, "What now?" My daughter scrambles to evaluate her homework list and test schedule to determine if she can take the time off.  My sons rolls their eyes, exchange knowing looks and mutter about the next lame adventure I am forcing upon them.  Those initial moments of jarring them out of their routine and into something unexpected are, well, painful.  Every single time.

So much of what we do on a daily basis is mired in habit and routine.  On the one hand, that's efficient.  It helps everyone get along.  We know exactly what we're doing and exactly what to expect.  On the other hand, we can get so accustomed to our routines and expectations that we don't pause to note: are we really happy?  Are we living our life or just reacting to a series of expected events?

Mariachi Band at GermanFest 2012

Unexpected moments shake us out of the routine and open our eyes to a new perspective.  While kayaking in March, we learned about muscles we clearly never used before and cruised through the mangroves with giant turtles.  On a trip to the dog beach, we learned that our water spaniel was actually afraid of the water. Once we went to a German festival where the featured performance was a Mexican mariachi band with a four foot iguana.  We learned a lot about iguanas on that excursion.  Some of our surprise trips turn into a new path altogether. On one adventure, my husband met a university professor who strongly encouraged him to study ancient languages and pursue an advanced degree.  This chance meeting led to two masters' degrees and then several years as a tour guide leading educational excursions throughout Italy and Greece.

Our car, Jessie, in flames. 

What we do in the moment, how we respond when a new idea or opportunity is presented to us, makes the difference between an interesting story and a significant life change.  But how we're wired also makes a difference.  My husband and I are big opportunists - and I mean that in the nicest sense of the word. My children look at it as disruptive, potentially derailing them from a perfectly good plan.  The caution that holds them back is not necessarily misplaced… not all risks pay off, not all spontaneous ideas pan out.  Not all adventures are good.  One Easter Sunday, our meandering excursion smacked us right into a white sedan in which a woman texting while making a u-turn.  We felt pangs from that little adventure for months.

My wiring loves surprises, craves the adventure of 'what's next' without really knowing just what that is. But sometimes when we are building our lives, and especially when we are responsible for others, settling into some more predictable patterns and establishing a sense of stability grows more important.

Sika the herder (front) and Leo (back)
the water spaniel who hates water

And there is something to be said for the blessing of routines. Every Sunday, I take my mutts to the dog park. That's a routine I embrace. Once there, my herder runs all the other dogs in wide loops, barking to keep everyone in line and running in the same direction.  My spaniel outruns all the others - except one golden retriever with a much longer stride - leading the way for his herding partner.  They run the same loops every week.  They are happy running those loops.  They run. They break for water.  They sniff.
They meander.  Then wham!  Back to running loops.  This is their routine.  And they love it.

We are happy repeating our loops, too. We go to work.  Or school. We come home. We do chores.  We see friends.  We play - eat, drink, sport, whatever our pleasure.  We repeat.  It's a good life.

Petting a baby gator

I'm not suggesting we stop running loops. Those loops provide the basis of our home culture: familiar routines that minimize the number of battles I referee between three teenagers, that accomplish just enough chores to keep the city health board away, that get us regularly to work, to school, and on Sundays, to the dog park. But just remember now and then that even the most idyllic routine is worth a pause: once in a while, wander off track to see what surprise awaits you on an unexplored path.  That short excursion can be just enough to recharge you and return you to your loops with a greater appreciation of the life you have built.

Are you an adventurer at heart or fond of familiarity? Has a spontaneous adventure ever taken you on a completely different path?  I would love to hear about your excursions and how you recharge.

And don't forget to share this post!