What's your pleasure... and your power?

Standing on stage and staring into a crowd of faces, some I knew, most I did not, I realized I had no where else to go. 

My solo moment...

I am frozen. I look back at the drummer and he nods.  The bass guitarist next to me says, "Let's go."  As he starts to strum, automatically my brain shifts into counting the beats. I know this. I got this. I release the lyrics like taffy, pulling at the lines. I have not forgotten the crowd in front of me but they are no longer foreign, separate. They are now my co-conspirators. We are reliving our past, together, remembering that one love, obsession, that was so overwhelming, there was nothing on earth we wouldn't do to keep it. I have relaxed into my voice. I am soaking up the energy of the crowd. I am feeling the warm buzz of pleasure radiating through my entire being, the emotion of it energizing me to give it my all and yet feeling completely at ease in the moment.

I step off stage and carry that with me - relaxed yet energized, fully feeling the pleasure of the moment. I am both giving and receiving joy. And I want to carry this feeling with me, always.

Where do you find pleasure?

Not the "my-kid-is-so-cute" moment or the "I-can't-believe-she-said-that-in-her-outside-voice" moment... those are fun, for sure.  But I'm talking about the kind of pleasurable experience that zings through your entire body and leaves you both feeling physically spent and fully energized?

I've recently been listening to some interviews with coach Kristin Sweeting Morelli and hormone expert Dr. Sara Gottfried, in which they posit that for women, our power center is replenished through experiencing pleasure - so this life we lead of waking early to start the laundry, get the kids to school, go to work, manage the after-school carpool, squeeze in gym time, grocery shop, cook, clean, help with homework, do our own work, etc... the list of activity goes on... it depletes us and we need to find ways to replenish ourselves. When we don't, we get addicted to the high level of stress - those super high cortisol levels that impact our mood, our mode of behavior and how we interact with the world - and we embrace the sense of martyrdom that goes with it.

Don't think that's you? When you insist that it is faster/easier/better if you just do it yourself... when you are annoyed that your husband or son didn't clean the kitchen the way they know you like it to be cleaned... when you take on yet another volunteer project and then complain that you have no time for yourself... 

Be honest, we all spend some time in martyrdom. And it's not a pretty place. Not for us and not for the people around us.

According to Sweeting Morelli and Gottfried, to replenish our strength and our soul, to reclaim a sense of peace and put the harried harpy of the day to rest, women need to tap into pleasure. Our stress levels are high, whether self-induced or not, and have a direct, measurable impact on our health and our relationships. If we allow our cortisol levels (the stress hormone) to get out of whack, we're in for a crash. And some drama. And undoubtedly more stress. 

The shortest, surest route to replenishing a healthy balance? For women, it's indulging in something pleasurable that releases oxytocin and raises serotonin levels. Sure, it can be that toe curling sexual pleasure (which is where your mind immediately went - come on, you know it did) and that one should be on everyone's list, but it is really anything that feeds and energizes your soul.  And we all have different ways of reaching into to that well and pulling our pleasure - and our power - back out of it.

Think of the last time you had a lengthy conversation with a girlfriend - or a few friends.  Ones who really get you.  How did you feel coming away from that?  Exhausted or energized?

Or perhaps on your last shopping excursion, you snatched up a hot pair of Jimmy Choo's at a bargain price... or if you're like me, new Asics or Saucony's.

Or maybe you finally attended that salsa dance class that you kept meaning to make time for... why hadn't you done that sooner?

You can replenish your soul by going to church. By attending yoga class. By getting a massage.

With my fantastic partner,
Mauricio Fernandez, aka Pitbull

Clearly, one of my pleasure zones is in singing - for an audience, for sure, but also alone in my car. I can get this high from running obstacle course races, from playing in the ocean, from writing... anything - my blog, a thank you note, an old fashioned love letter... the act of expressing myself on paper is pleasurable for me - and from reading a really good book. That may not sound exciting to you - and that's ok, we all have our own pleasure zones - but it works for me. It brings me back to a place where I can be present with my every day life - working full time, raising three teenagers, managing a menagerie of pets and the myriad activities that come with that life.

Every spontaneous, joyful moment and irrepressible laugh should be cherished. That momentary respite brings pleasure into any given moment. But in addition to that, we ought to be cultivating a regular cadence of pleasure that replenishes our soul.

So back to my original question: where do you find your pleasure?

If you want to learn more about the idea of women's power being centered in their ability to experience pleasure, and how our hormonal imbalances can dramatically affect our mood, our weight and our relationships, I strongly recommend reading Dr. Sara Gottfried's books and blogs as well as Kristin Sweeting Morelli's Red Tent Revival materials (she is no longer doing live events, which are phenomenal, fun and educational, but the recorded materials are available for purchase).

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering programs that support women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to develop this difference into  our strength. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to create an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here. 

Exactly what are you waiting for?

How often do you stop in the middle of your day, where ever you are - at your desk, in your car, at the grocery store, in a meeting - and say to yourself, "This is exactly what I want to be doing!"

Just a random guess... not often.

I mulled over these thoughts quite a bit during a recent three day period in which I alternated between concentrated time with people I care and time alone. And it's funny - when you're around people who inspire you, who love you and who bring out the best in you, suddenly you're very aware of everything you can be. Doubts melt away. Energy smolders and sizzles. You're ready to charge ahead and embrace your present and you wholeheartedly believe you can make anything happen for your future.

Until, of course, that 5am alarm goes off and you're back to walking the dogs, brewing coffee, waking up cranky teenagers, endlessly buying groceries (for said cranky teenagers), washing dishes, dodging telemarketers, shifting uncomfortably through meaningless meetings and hunched over your laptop late at night to meet deadlines.  When 'real life' kicks in, suddenly everything you can be becomes far less important than an extra 20 minutes of sleep or someone else taking out the trash for a change.

Because that's where we lose ourselves: in the mundane of the every day.

But what if we could celebrate that?

No, really: what if, with a sticky, odiferous white 13 gallon trash bag in hand as you fumble out to the trash barrel, you could stop, swat away the pesky flies and say to yourself, "This is exactly what I want to be doing!"

It's not the taking out of trash that is quite so celebratory - though I suppose, depending on what's in your trash, it could be. It's that you're in that moment, very much aware of who you are and where you are. You are part of the world that happens to include taking out the trash. And washing dishes. And paying bills.  And it's your world. Your reality. And it's of your making.

Own it. Embrace it. Love it. Live it.

We choose our path. We create both the present and the future, and it is up to us to stop our assumptions from getting in our way.  We can't find a new job because we're too old for a career change.  We can't move to a different city because it's too hard to start over. We can't start that new relationship because it's never going to work out anyway.  We can't end this current relationship because we've invested too much time in it already. We can't let go...

Well, why not?

If you can't look around you today, no matter what mundane, boring task it is you're mired in, and say to yourself, "This is exactly what I want to be doing!" then perhaps it's time to reassess. Something is cluttering your life, your thoughts and your heart.  Think about what needs to change so that the mundane doesn't bury your soul, but is just one more action in your ability to live through your soul.

How much time do we spend thinking, "It would be nice if..." and "One day, I want to..." What is it we're waiting for in order for those things to happen? More money? More time? A different opportunity? How much will waiting actually help those things to happen? What's supposed to be happening while you're waiting? Who's making it happen?

And that is what I realized during that three day period: waiting for my goals to happen wasn't really getting me very far. I need to proactively create the life I want.  A life that includes making time for the people important to me. It includes focusing my energy on work that I love. It is dedicated to making the most of each moment. And it means occasionally washing the dishes. Buying groceries. Dealing with cranky teens. Buying more groceries. And taking out the trash.


Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to create an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here. 

You're not wrong

How often do you make decisions based on what you simply seem to know, in your core, to be true? 

You can call it instinct, or intuition... or just your 'gut'.  Whatever it is, do you trust it?

If you do, you have probably been called impulsive. Unpredictable. Even crazy.

But here's the thing: you're not wrong.




A little story
When I was 20, I leaned in and kissed him.

We talked and kissed again. Made vague plans for a future date. Parted for the night.

Actually, we parted.

I had seen him a few times before that particular date.  We had met at a party of mutual friends.  We shared a love of buffalo wings. He had me in tears with laughter with stories about his brothers.  He was a grad student in engineering.  We went out a couple of times - dinner, a picnic. He was kind of perfect.

Kind of.  Until I kissed him.  And then we never went out again.

For a long time, I tried to figure it out.  What had gone sideways?  I would still occasionally see him in the student union or out with a group of friends, and he was friendly but distant.  Over and over again, I replayed the time we spent together.  I did not mistake the attraction. I did not misinterpret our connection. I did not make up the desire.

My intuition was not wrong.  But somehow, my action was not quite right.

How often do you follow your gut?
Our intuition, inner voice, gut instinct... choose the term you prefer... picks up on cues beyond our basic visual and audio data.  It picks up on micro expressions our eyes don't have time to register but our brains do.  It picks up on vocal quivers that indicate a deeper level of feeling. It reads the energy behind the words, the gestures that indicate nervousness or excitement.  Our intuition tells us when someone is repressing a strong emotion, when someone is lying - to us or to herself- or when a situation is about to go sideways.  It's that feeling you get that goes beyond your logical thoughts or the activity you see around you.

Using your intuition - respecting it and responding to it - is a powerful action. It's trusting yourself fully.

But there are times when even though your intuition is spot on, the action you take based on that may seem wrong - that is, it doesn't generate the response you expected given what you "know".  As in the case of that kiss. Was I wrong for going along with my intuition?

I was not.  Because while I questioned my ability to read a person and situation for a long time after that, I did later learn that my intuition was spot-on but there was another reason, which had nothing to do with me, that triggered the engineering student's sudden distance.

More importantly, by following my intuition, I  learned. Quite a bit. I learned that Mr. Near Perfect was not for me, nor would he ever be.  I learned that spending hours replaying scenarios and making up new ones with imaginary conversations is a colossal waste of time. I learned that I can spend many days making up 57 counter arguments to what my gut is telling me and still won't be any the wiser until I finally take action.

I gained a greater sense of trust in myself and in my observation skills.  I gained the joy of being spontaneous. I gained the pleasure of owning my reactions - emotional and logical - and not feeling the need to explain them or apologize for them. I gained the freedom to just be myself.

If you follow your gut, allow yourself to be that curious, somewhat unpredictable person who's eager to burst out, what do you have to lose?

But more importantly, what do you have to gain?


Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to create an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here. 

The energy of the mind is the essence of life

How's your energy today?

By that, I don't mean, "Did you eat your Wheaties?"  I hope you did... and if you didn't, I hope you ate something of equivalent nutritional value and promise.  No, what I mean is, what type of energy are you bringing into your day? Every thought you have and every action you take is accompanied by energy. The tenor of that energy can determine if a thought is positive or negative, if an action is performed with joy or with frustration and if you're generating more feelings of love or ones of resentment. Sometimes, our thoughts and feelings are not quite in alignment with our energy.  When this happens, it can lead to frustration and anxiety, and sometimes it can take a while to pinpoint why we're feeling this disconnect.

For years, I struggled with sitting meditation. My life philosophy puts sitting meditation at the center of its practice. I've read countless articles about the mental and emotional benefits of sitting still - even for just 15 minutes a day. I know this is a proven practice for bringing some level of inner calm and clarity.

My thoughts were, "Mediation is good for me. To be a good Buddhist, I must do this.  To maintain any sliver of sanity, I should do this."

My actions were to buy books and CDs, schedule time in my calendar and to attempt to sit.  Sometimes I'd go a few weeks... sometimes a few days... before the daily practice was interrupted.

If it's only for 15 minutes a day, how can my practice be so easily disrupted? Simple: my thoughts and actions were not in line with my energy, the core of myself that I was bringing to the practice.

Here's the truth: I sit still and the monkey mind takes over, no position is comfortable and that whole 'focus on your breath' mantra suddenly has me in turns heaving heavily or periodically holding my breath in pathetic attempts to achieve some level of evenness.  It's a lot of work.  And not at all calming or restful.  In the midst of the monkey mind clamor of work projects, household chores and something I am sure I am forgetting, I am adding a new concern that I clearly do not know how to breathe.

Confession: for all the years I've struggled with this, I already knew it wasn't going to work.  I was severe and reprimanding of myself, bringing in a level of energy that is not compatible with the easy, open thought waves of meditation. I was fighting against common beliefs - limiting beliefs - that sitting mediation is the right path, the only path, to finding that sense of inner calm.  And if I couldn't master sitting meditation, then I was a bad Buddhist. So for years, I kept trying.

It was another coach who asked me why... why was I fighting so hard for something that wasn't working for me?  The energy I brought to sitting practice was impatient, frustrated and already pre-programmed to fail. So, she asked, if I looked deeper inside me and paid attention to my inner voice, what was it telling me?

Go run.

But that can't be right.  I am a dedicated runner but a terrible one.  I'm slow.  I don't warm up properly. I don't always eat right. I don't measure my splits, I don't do fartleks though I know I should and my GPS watch gets all squirrelly on me when I sweat so I'm not even sure my times are right... and I do those goofy races where you crawl through mud under barbed wire and wear pink tutus.  Plus, running is a physical activity that is quite the opposite of sitting perfectly still and focusing on your breath.

But... when I run, I bring a different energy. Sometimes I run to raise money for charity.  Sometimes to challenge my physical and mental strength (Aroo! to all you fellow Spartans!) and sometimes, I run to be alone.  On a run, thoughts fly in, I toss them around a bit and then set them free.  It's a different kind of monkey mind, perhaps, but one where I don't feel trapped and overwhelmed.  Instead, it's a mental sorting and releasing of the energy around each of those issues.  After a run, I can come back to any challenge refreshed.  I am calm.  I am happy.  My energy is about embracing my life.  All of it.  So why can't this be my own form of meditation, of finding that place where my mental and emotional energy can find relaxation and release?

It can. It is. When I accept that the energy I bring to running is the right energy for me to clear my head and find some peace, I let go of all the negative messages I have been holding on to about what a bad, undisciplined Buddhist I am.  Others may still think I'm going about this all wrong, but that's ok.  I'm not telling myself that message anymore. I'm going about this in the way that works for me.

The energy of the mind is the essence of life -- Aristotle

So when you look at the energy you bring into your day, look at how it affects the decisions you make and the thoughts that you tell yourself.  How are those thoughts bringing your energy down?  How is your energy predicting your outcomes?

When we examine our thoughts, we can see exactly which inner gremlins are holding us back- and we do it to ourselves.  The real question is, why?

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Are you one of the Walking Dead?

2014 was not an easy year. 

I would sit at my desk, fingers at my temples vainly massaging at yet another migraine, and think, "Thank God, this year is almost over."  I would lean against my kitchen counter, too tired to cook but too tired to go out, fighting the desire for a bag of potato chips and trying desperately to tune into the words of my daughter as she describes her latest art project.  I would race from work, to Kendo, to the store, to the vet, to the doctor... wondering when I could grasp a few moments of silence on a solitary run. Yes, 2014 was a year long on hours, short on relief.

But last week, in a rare moment of downtime, I sifted through my photos from the past year.  And I realized, as I scanned the moments captured in between the piercing migraines and soul-thrashing potato chip cravings, that I have been focusing on quite the wrong things.

One year ago, this week, my kids and I completed a six-day road trip from Arizona to Florida, stopping along the way to run three miles amid the aliens of Roswell, devour the best breakfast in the United States in a tiny southwestern diner we stumbled upon by chance, explore the fantastic underground caves of Sonora, relive the brutality at the Alamo, enjoy dinner on San Antonio's Riverwalk and spend New Year's Eve reveling on Bourbon Street in New Orleans.  Shortly after that, we finished the Special Ops Spartan Sprint in Tampa, kayaked in the Everglades, paddle boarded along the quiet beaches of Naples, broke out of a Miami Beach prison cell in 60 minutes, hiked the White Tank Mountain in Arizona, walked Hollywood Blvd in Los Angeles, celebrated my 20 year wedding anniversary in London, caught many pounds of snapper in the deep blue waters of the Gulf, practiced marksmanship under an FBI sharpshooter instructor (who also happens to be my uncle) and ran a few more obstacle course races...

So what was I rubbing my temples about?

Oh, there were challenges in 2014. Believe me... more than a few.  It's so easy to remember the negative.  To focus on the moments that cause our hearts to drop into our stomach, that keep our minds whirring and problem solving into the wee hours of the morning.  These are the moments that keep us trapped in the negative, that cause us to freeze, to worry.  When has worry ever, ever, been a productive part of your life?  It isn't.  It paralyzes us so that we're not living, but we're in zombie
mode, not really paying attention to what's going on around us.  It's autopilot, just going through the motions to get through the day. Who wants to just 'get through' a day?

Reality? Those moments make up parts of my life, yes. I will never fully eliminate worry or stress. I can't control my beloved mutt, Sika, much less the rest of the world.  But when I look back at 2014, I don't want to remember the time spent reconciling the household budget, calling the plumber yet again for the clogged toilet or taking Big Ben to the mechanic. Again.  Instead, I want to recall the excitement on my oldest son's face when he climbed inside a Cessna for his first flight lesson; cheering my youngest son, in full Kendo gear, as he brings his instructor to his knees is a swift, graceful move with his sword; singing random not-so-pop songs in Big Ben with my daughter, enjoying these last few months with her before college looms next fall;  drinking wine in the gorgeous central square of Strasbourg, Germany, with my husband. I choose to remember crossing the Continental Divide and exploring the vineyards in Napa Valley with my Dirty Girl partner.  I soak myself in the memories of a challenging half marathon, a lovely dinner on the beach and successfully (sometimes) staring down Sheila, my self-sabotage gremlin who adores those damn potato chips.

Why would I let the mundane and temporary worries of a late work project or a failed water heater overshadow all this?

But I did.  We all do.

So for 2015... and here after... let's not go there.  Let's not live in temporary crisis mode.  Don't let the clogged toilet outweigh the success of brewing a perfect pot of coffee. Stop worrying about your kitchen being clean enough for the neighbors to pop in and instead enjoy their conversation and fresh baked cookies.  Let the laundry sit another day if it means a few extra hours of the Walking Dead marathon with your kids.  Is it more important to have a clean bra or shared moment with your offspring? I am not minimizing the importance of a clean bra... really, I'm not... but I can't recapture that moment with my kids and I can always squeeze in a late night load of laundry if I'm desperate.


There are so many things we "can't" do because the mundane becomes our "must."  This is our guilt gremlin talking. It's our fear. We must get the dishes done now. We must organize the pantry.  We must sweep the garage.  We must do these things that tick off the checklist for daily life management.  But why? What stops in our world, what crashes down on our fragile heads if the spice rack isn't alphabetized, if the carpet isn't vacuumed this moment or if you Febreze your bra because you forgot to wash it?  (Right, like you never thought of that...)

I am not advocating total irresponsibility.  I am not suggesting you never balance your checkbook, clean your house or vacuum out your car.  I am merely asking you to consider where, given your choices for living your life, those tasks fall in your order of priority and tackle them accordingly.

A full life doesn't have to be exotic or expensive.  My thrill on New Year's Day? I discovered a new brand of coffee that will now gloriously fuel my addiction.  My best moment over the holidays?  Lunch with my family, listening to all the inside jokes and inanity (insanity?) that creates our home culture and that surely looks and sounds bizarre to an outside observer. But we know what we mean and there is joy and comfort in that. What is living successfully?  You decide. But make it about you... not about the details that can overrun your life.

My house will always be chaotic and what my DGC partner affectionately calls "lived in".  But my door is always open.  My home cooked meals sometimes start with dessert.  But the conversation over brownie sundaes and grilled cheese sandwiches is always entertaining.  And no matter how hard I try, I will always be behind on laundry.  But I am not missing a single episode of the Walking Dead with my boys for the sake of clean... anything.

That's where my focus will be in 2015.  Where is yours?

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Your most important relationship

I was driving to work.  It was 7:15am on a Tuesday.

I had meetings starting at 8:00am and was booked back-to-back for most of the day.  I brought my lunch but couldn't quite figure out, looking at my calendar, at what point I could actually eat it.  I had three high profile projects in various stages of development to shepherd forth and a meeting with the CEO to walk through one of them that afternoon. Also on my agenda - getting my daughter to a doctor appointment, transferring money between bank accounts, and oh... Christmas shopping.  Right.  Someone is going to want a gift.

As I drove past one fast food place, I thought, "I love their breakfast sandwiches... I should..."

The next block, I passed a family restaurant and remembered the ad I had seen on TV just the night before about breakfast all day and a new steak and eggs deluxe something or other.  What time was my first meeting?

Two blocks further was my favorite coffee shop.   They have an egg and sausage wrap that's really quite delicious.

The cravings continued to tease me until I reached the office.  No, I didn't stop.  And it wasn't because I have amazing willpower.  It was because I wasn't hungry.

I realized this when I passed the coffee shop but before reaching yet another family restaurant with bursting omelettes of goodness and syrupy french toast.  I wasn't hungry because I had eaten breakfast before I left the house.  With coffee.  Logically, I couldn't justify taking the extra time to get to the office or the extra calories.

But I *felt* hungry.

Meet Sheila.  She's a gremlin.
That was my stress talking.  Let's call her Sheila.  Sheila, my stress gremlin, wasn't just talking.  She was screaming.  And twisting and biting.  She was throwing quite the fit and crying, "Pay attention to me!  Feed me!"  And I very much wanted to listen to Sheila.  I wanted to calm her down, help her find a happy place to settle in and not worry so much.  Poor Sheila was so uncomfortable and it seemed the only thing that might settle her was a juicy, fat-laden, carb-heavy steak, egg and cheese bagel sandwich.  With some hash browns.  And maybe another coffee, extra light with two sugars.

I usually drink my coffee black, so when I'm throwing in the added junk, I know that's Sheila making the decisions.

What stopped my car from turning into any of the beckoning parking lots and drive-thrus was rational thought.  Rather than feeding Sheila, I needed to take some time to figure out just why I thought I needed food.  I sat in the office parking lot for a few moments and applied some lipstick. A quick mental inventory told me that my 2pm meeting was a group call with another person presenting, so I could get lunch in at that time. Mental note: do remember the mute button; no one needs to hear you chewing. Ever.  Two of my high profile projects were already in flight.  The next step on one was a simple check in with the rest of the team to gauge progress.  The next step on the other required me putting slides together and time was already booked on my calendar to devote to that.  I was prepared for the CEO meeting and have no control over his reactions, so no use worrying over that.  My daughter's appointment was close to the office.  And the Christmas shopping... well, that's the fun part.  So at the end of my mental inventory, the heavy burden of stress suddenly felt more manageable. I had a plan. I had it all along.

For me, a few moments of rationalization helped skew my day - and my diet - in a more positive direction. Perhaps for you, there's a different process - meditation, self motivating pep talks, looking at photos of something you love... what it is that brings you mentally back on track and helps your own Sheila find a happy place?  In my office, I keep a photo of my kids from a road trip we took over a year ago.  They're standing in front of The Alamo, smiling and relaxed.  When I am feeling harried in the office, I purposefully pause to study that photo.  That's my mental reminder of why I do what I do... and that mini mental break is often enough to shake loose the coils of drama or chaos and allow me to regroup with purpose.

Your body is a... pair of red stilettos?
Our relationship with food is more habitual and more impactful than we think. In fact, most of the time when it comes to our relationship with food, we don't think.  That's a bigger problem... because
our relationship with food is reflective of our relationship with ourselves.  Tired of the adage, "your body is your temple"?  Fine.  Make it your Ferrari.  Make it your tiki hut.  Make it your little black dress, red shoes or any other icon that you feel represents your best "you".   Be Wonder Woman... or Cat Woman... or Xena the Warrior Princess... or any other figure you choose.  Research has proven that if we preface a food decision with "Would Xena eat this?" our choices tend to reflect what we believe Xena would choose. We can and do indeed mold ourselves after our icons.

If you know me well, you know I'm not saying you should never indulge.  I have never been known to turn down dessert.  Or potato chips.  Especially not potato chips...  But as much as I love the potato chip, I love me and the life I live enough to say no - not all the time, but often enough.   And believe me, each and every decision point is just that... a very conscious decision.  And some days, Sheila gets her way. (But then it's not just a handful of potato chips... it's the bag.  And some hot, crispy tater tots... maybe a pint of Ben & Jerry's to top it off.  Sheila can be a very hungry girl.)


Food is certainly an easy way for us to privately examine and really dig into how well we love ourselves.  I'm not suggesting we all adopt radical diets nor that everyone should be a certain weight or maintain a particular BMI.  What I am saying is that if we take a moment to be more mindful of what we put in our mouths, we're being more mindful of not just of how we're treating our selves, but why.

When you can answer the why, you can break through to any goal you set.


Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

It's just fear... in really good shoes, but it's still fear

It's very cliche to talk about the journey.  

We're all on a journey.  It's all about the journey, not the destination.  We each have our own journey.  But a journey is a hard thing - it implies long distances, singular adversity and undoubtedly a little bad weather.

What if it's not a journey?  

What if it's an expanse... wide open spaces that surround us.  Make a slow, 360 degree turn.  We can choose to go in any given direction.  We can choose to head into a city or a sleepy village, a forrest or the beach. We can choose to move towards people or away from them.  We can choose to eat chicken breasts and mixed greens or fried chicken and mashed potatoes smothered in gravy.  Or my personal favorite, lava cake and tawny port...

We can choose.

So why don't we?

Think of the number of decisions you make in any given day, week or year.  How many of those reflect what you believe is the 'right' decision - the decision that will have friends, family and society at large smiling kindly at you?

A lot.  We make a lot of decisions to just get along.  We seek affirmation and value from those around us and we make decisions that make it more likely we'll garner that approval.  We choose our brand of peanut butter based on what was the cupboard when we were kids.  We like the cars our fathers drove.  We majored in parent-approved fields, dated friend-approved men, wear peer-approved clothing and adopt boss-approved behaviors at work.  And we do much of it without thinking. This is how we're trained.  This is how we get along.  We stumble into each stage of our life, following the pattern of what's expected without questioning what we want. We go to school, we get married, we have kids, we have jobs...

What happens when you make a decision that is truly reflective of what you want and who you are?  For starters, you might actually get what you want.  That's the upside.  But the rest...?  Our family might think we're making bad choices.  Our friends might disapprove.  Our peers may raise an eyebrow and gossip.  Our boss might deny that promotion. We might be ignored. We might be shunned. We might be happy. That's a lot of mights.

And it's a lot of fear.

We keep up appearances.  We move forward through the parent-approved life playbook, marry the friend-approved man and dress in our peer-approved high heels.  And we fall forward into these lives not even conscious that much of what drives us is fear... "in really good shoes, but it's still fear," (thank you, Elizabeth Gilbert).

Decisions are not always as easy as buying a jar of peanut butter or choosing between classic black leather pumps or a strappy red heel.  When you consider divorce, illness, a new job, a cross country move... other people are involved and impacted.  Sometimes legalities add complications.  But at the end of the day, you still have to make a decision.  Or put another way, you have to decide how to best explore your possibilities.  What criteria will you use?

Most of us don't even see the 360 degree expanse of the world that is around us and the unending possibilities.  We are focused on that journey, with predetermined curves and bumps, with the embedded idea of a predetermined destination.  Most days, we aren't even sure which turn we took to get us this far along the journey in the first place.

So I invite you to stop. Make the 360 degree turn. Slowly. Really take in the possibilities. Forget the journey. Open your eyes to the expanse around you.  It can be overwhelming.  It can be deafening.  It can be freeing. There are decisions to be made out there. They are ours to make, to consciously choose and own.

Put your favorite heels on - you know, the strappy four-inch ones that your mom hates and your best friend covets - and step firmly forward.  In any direction you choose.


Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Obstacle #5: Confessions of a Work Wife

Every morning, I walked into Shane's office with two cups of coffee.

I handed one across the desk and sat down for 10-15 minutes… sometimes venting about another coworker, sometimes describing the weekend's events, sometimes vetting ideas for an upcoming campaign.  Some afternoons, we'd step out to grab lunch.  If something ridiculous was happening in the hallway, an IM from Shane, only two doors down, immediately popped up, "Did we just hear what I think we heard?"  When one of my presentations went horribly awry, he was first to hear me lament and relive the pain. When a big sales deal fell through, he'd slump in the chair across my desk and walk through what went sideways and when.

Was I a work wife?  I didn't think about it until recently - long after I had left that job, and Shane.

Work spouse: A significant other you work with, whom you connect, share, and spend time with exclusively and intimately in the workplace. Both parties are mere acquaintances outside of the workplace and are completely unknown to each other's true and respective domestic spouses. (Urban Dictionary)

So, let's talk about the "work wife."

You're in a tight knit environment, sharing the same peer group, the same bosses, the same projects, deadlines and pressures.  You rely on your cohorts in the trenches alongside you, whether it's getting through a difficult meeting or celebrating a project's success.  These relationships can be empowering and fun, but they can also lead to politics and drama.

Consider your work spouse: what role does he play in the organization?  Does your counterpart have influence over your position - the type that can get you promoted… or fired?  How do your coworkers view your relationship and does that impact how they engage with you?

Our independent, cavalier persona responds to those questions with a "Who cares?"  But we do care.  And we should.  The nature of our relationships at work makes up a large component of our ability to be productive and effective in the work environment.  Our work spouses feed and empower us, supporting our success.  But any drama, or perceived drama, can minimize us and our ability to have an impact.

The "power work wife" is the ideal work wife relationship.  Your counterpart is a peer and a true partner in your work projects and initiatives.  You're an internal power couple, essentially, working together towards a common goal and with mutual respect and agreement around how to get things done.  Your ideas are respected, your suggestions given even weight and you do not feel like you are pushing or fighting with your partner to be heard or understood.  While this relationship will still entertain its share of gossip, the balance of power is that of equals and this is visible to the organization.

The subordinate work wife is a trickier matter.  The earliest usage of the term work wife was a

reference by a CEO to his administrative assistant, and historically, that has been the perception.  The work wife takes care of the husband's needs at work - ensuring he's organized, receives and responds to messages, gets to meetings on time and has lunch/coffee as required.  Then he goes home and the home-based wife fills in the gaps.

The balance of power here can be challenging.  In an admin/exec relationship, the roles are clear and the power balance is dependent on the personalities involved.  But what happens when you are the work wife to someone higher on the food chain but who is not your direct boss?  If his position can influence your advancement within the company, then you're still a target for the rumor mill.  More so because the relationship between the executive and the executive admin is easily explained - it's a stereotype - but a close relationship with an imbalance of power and no direct reporting ties leaves much open to overactive imaginations in the work place.

Confessions of a Work Wife
So here's the truth: there was no Shane.

But there was a Shirley. Seriously. Same scenario in my opening paragraph - daily coffee, occasional lunch, lots of IMs, phone calls and hallway conversations. If you look at the definition of a work spouse, she was it.  It was only later, as we left our place of mutual employment, that we really became personal friends (and then Dirty Girl partners).

Was I still a work wife?

Or are we just friends?

If you're about to tell me the sexual undertones of a male/female friendship is an old fashioned view, then you're ignoring the truth our work mores place before us daily.  No one cared if every day I walked into Shirley's office, handed her  cup of coffee and spent ten minutes telling her about the idiot barista who interpreted my soy mocha as soy milk and gave me a hot steaming cup of milk… like I was a toddler getting ready for bed (yeah, that really happened).

Perception matters.

As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Work-life integration: it's in each moment.

Work-life integration is a rather Zen thing.  

Any given day consists of an incessant flow of decisions.

What to eat for breakfast…?
…does my son have enough lunch money…?
…can we finish the campaign copy on time…?
…who else should review this decision…?
…when is the best time to take the cat to the vet…?
…can I stomach another salad for lunch…?
…do I have time to finish this one email before leaving to pick up the kids…?
…should I work on arms or legs at the gym…?
…can I burn any calories if I just take a nap…?
…what can I throw together for dinner…?
…how much homework  help is too much…?

…and so the list goes on and on.  Our lives are a series of decisions.

We used to call it work-life balance.  But then we realized something: balance doesn't exist.

Balance is a condition in which elements are of equal proportion.  Equal parts work time and equal parts personal time.  To achieve balance, we must juggle the two halves so that work gets done and friends and family don't feel neglected.  That's a neat way to manage it.  If only it were possible.

But the convenience of technology brings about a blending of our lives that makes it all one. Technology means I never have to miss an email, an IM or a phone call - whether it's from my coworkers or my kids. I can read documents where ever I am - the latest memo from IT about security updates or the college application form for daughter.  I can look up product details for BASE24-eps 2.0 or search for gold "Wonder Woman" style sandals to go with this ridiculously fabulous red jumpsuit.  And I can do it sitting in shorts on my back patio, in a pencil skirt and slingbacks at the office or standing in line at Target.

So as I tackle all of this, tell me… what time is it?  

In the days pre-smart phones and tablets and laptops, you could argue that when you were out of the office, work would not and could not get done.  You were cut off from your work tools and now your focus could be on attending a football game or grilling a steak.  There was a clear delineation of work time and personal time.

Today, however, I know if I take Oberyn to the vet at 9:30am on Tuesday, I can still be online and working at 9:30pm that night to finish editing that blog.  In fact, while petting Oberyn as he gets his rabies booster, I responded to a coworker's quick question via IM.

Working for a global company makes time even more irrelevant.  For two years, every Tuesday night at 7pm, I was on the phone with my team in Australia.  And 6:30am on Thursdays I called into a standing meeting with the group based in Frankfurt.

So, when, exactly, should I be "balancing" my personal and professional lives?  How do I determine when I've achieved balance?

I don't know.  And I'm really not about setting myself up for impossible goals.

What technology has brought about is the realization that it's every moment and every decision that counts.  We make the most of our life and our time in every waking moment.  Some of those decisions will be about quarterly earnings calls and strategic planning meetings and writing ad copy.  Some of those decisions will be about the most convenient place to pick up dinner on my way home so that instead of cooking, I have time for a conversation with my offspring and a night run.  But these decisions are not split into distinct and separate times of day.  Sometimes, brochures get edited at 11pm and catch up with my kids happens at 6am.  Sometimes, I spend all my waking hours working, working, working… looking for another day when I can pull the kids out of school and head to the beach for paddle boarding.  And sometimes, the best I can do is offer "Backwards Dinner", where we eat dessert first to ensure we don't miss the best part.

Work-life integration is simply about making the best decision we can in the moment we are in.  And if we are feeling overwhelmed by too many work moment and work decisions, we must use that moment to make a different decision.  But these choices are not about balance and they are not about time.

These choices are about how we live our lives, in each moment.

As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Obstacle #11: To flirt or not to flirt at work

Flirting is a power tactic.

Whether at work or at play, the art of flirtation is about persuasion and control.  And fun.  I am not asserting that flirting is positive or negative in any situation. This obstacle is one each of us needs to figure out individually, the way in which we're most comfortable working through it.  So let's consider the art - and obstacle - of flirtation at the office.

First, just what is flirting?  For the purposes of the work environment discussion, and as evaluated in various studies, flirting is defined as personal charm that incorporates playfulness, flattery and a level of sexiness.  This is a step beyond friendliness, which is defined as exhibiting warmth and interest.  Flirting is deliberate attempts to have the opposite party notice your particular charm.

So, what if you knew that flirting benefitted you in negotiations?

Women who flirted during negotiations in which a clear "zero sum" exchange needed to take place (goods for money, for example) obtained better terms when their counterpart was male.  If you knew you could receive a higher discount or a better set of terms, would you smile a little more brightly or offer a compliment?  Put so bluntly, it feels icily calculated.  But think for a minute about the men you work with - if you share a private joke, a sidelong glance, if you touch his arm or tell him you like the way his shirt brings out the color of his eyes, are you friendly or flirting? When men have an elevation in mood due to what they perceive as flirting (and flattery), they are more amenable in negotiations.

But not all the time.  When women flirt with men in negotiations where both parties are trying to achieve a gain, they are less successful. The overall success of a mutual negotiation is higher - a larger pie is carved out between two friendly parties.  But the slicing of that pie does not favor the flirting woman.  She managed to improve the benefits to both of them, by helping to expand the potential rewards, but statistically she isn't able to claim her competitive share of that pie.

So perhaps you could argue that you'd rather not take chances on the type of misunderstanding flirting at work can bring and since not all negotiations are successful, you will rely on your no-nonsense smarts to work through those delicate conversations.  And that's certainly an option.

But this obstacle has another slippery slide.  It's not your standard eight foot wall to scale.  It's more like that inverted wall where you have to pull your weight up the inverted side and then use all your strength to haul yourself over the inverted top and avoid toppling down the "easy" side, which can result in injury.  And mud.  There's always mud.

Consider the challenge of likability.  Women in leadership roles fight the likability battle regularly.  If we're assertive, we're bossy or a less kind b-word.  If we insist or debate, we're pushy and hard.  We use "male" qualities to manage and get ahead in a man's environment, and yet those same qualities that brand men as strong leaders make women brassy and cold.  The social cost is high. This impression also leads to misconception around competence - women who are viewed as overly aggressive by their male peers are also viewed as less competent.  Women who flirt with their peers, on the other hand, are perceived as friendly.  When women are perceived as friendly and competent, their ability to be heard and negotiate is amplified.

What if you knew that men flirt more than women in the workplace to get what they want? 

Catherine Hakim, social scientist and author of Erotic Capital: The Power of Attraction in the Boardroom and the Bedroom, says we should unabashedly use our feminine charms.  We have them, why hide them?  Men have no such qualms about using their charisma or looks if they believe it will provide some leverage, so why are we ashamed to?

Of course, there is also the risk of misunderstanding.  Is a real relationship blossoming here or is this merely bantering fun at work? We - men and women - can feel taken advantage of once we realize the other person wanted nothing more than that moment of flirtation - and perhaps  for you to help write that update for the CEO's pet project.

So where do you stand on the concept of flirting in the work place?  Victoria Pynchon advises that if you're going to do it, do it genuinely. Don't fake compliments, don't flirt with men you're not comfortable with.  Rather, play into the positive qualities before you. "I've never known anyone who was so thoroughly repugnant that I couldn't find something to love in them."

So how do you overcome this obstacle?  And how do you handle others who flirt with you?

Studies used in this discussion: 

Feminine Charm: An Experimental Analysis of its Costs and Benefits in Negotiations by Laura J. Kray, Connson C. Locke and Alex B. Van Zant (July 2012)
SIRC Guide to Flirting by Kate Fox (2014)
The Five Flirting Styles by Jeffrey Hall (2013)

As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.