What's your pleasure... and your power?

Standing on stage and staring into a crowd of faces, some I knew, most I did not, I realized I had no where else to go. 

My solo moment...

I am frozen. I look back at the drummer and he nods.  The bass guitarist next to me says, "Let's go."  As he starts to strum, automatically my brain shifts into counting the beats. I know this. I got this. I release the lyrics like taffy, pulling at the lines. I have not forgotten the crowd in front of me but they are no longer foreign, separate. They are now my co-conspirators. We are reliving our past, together, remembering that one love, obsession, that was so overwhelming, there was nothing on earth we wouldn't do to keep it. I have relaxed into my voice. I am soaking up the energy of the crowd. I am feeling the warm buzz of pleasure radiating through my entire being, the emotion of it energizing me to give it my all and yet feeling completely at ease in the moment.

I step off stage and carry that with me - relaxed yet energized, fully feeling the pleasure of the moment. I am both giving and receiving joy. And I want to carry this feeling with me, always.

Where do you find pleasure?

Not the "my-kid-is-so-cute" moment or the "I-can't-believe-she-said-that-in-her-outside-voice" moment... those are fun, for sure.  But I'm talking about the kind of pleasurable experience that zings through your entire body and leaves you both feeling physically spent and fully energized?

I've recently been listening to some interviews with coach Kristin Sweeting Morelli and hormone expert Dr. Sara Gottfried, in which they posit that for women, our power center is replenished through experiencing pleasure - so this life we lead of waking early to start the laundry, get the kids to school, go to work, manage the after-school carpool, squeeze in gym time, grocery shop, cook, clean, help with homework, do our own work, etc... the list of activity goes on... it depletes us and we need to find ways to replenish ourselves. When we don't, we get addicted to the high level of stress - those super high cortisol levels that impact our mood, our mode of behavior and how we interact with the world - and we embrace the sense of martyrdom that goes with it.

Don't think that's you? When you insist that it is faster/easier/better if you just do it yourself... when you are annoyed that your husband or son didn't clean the kitchen the way they know you like it to be cleaned... when you take on yet another volunteer project and then complain that you have no time for yourself... 

Be honest, we all spend some time in martyrdom. And it's not a pretty place. Not for us and not for the people around us.

According to Sweeting Morelli and Gottfried, to replenish our strength and our soul, to reclaim a sense of peace and put the harried harpy of the day to rest, women need to tap into pleasure. Our stress levels are high, whether self-induced or not, and have a direct, measurable impact on our health and our relationships. If we allow our cortisol levels (the stress hormone) to get out of whack, we're in for a crash. And some drama. And undoubtedly more stress. 

The shortest, surest route to replenishing a healthy balance? For women, it's indulging in something pleasurable that releases oxytocin and raises serotonin levels. Sure, it can be that toe curling sexual pleasure (which is where your mind immediately went - come on, you know it did) and that one should be on everyone's list, but it is really anything that feeds and energizes your soul.  And we all have different ways of reaching into to that well and pulling our pleasure - and our power - back out of it.

Think of the last time you had a lengthy conversation with a girlfriend - or a few friends.  Ones who really get you.  How did you feel coming away from that?  Exhausted or energized?

Or perhaps on your last shopping excursion, you snatched up a hot pair of Jimmy Choo's at a bargain price... or if you're like me, new Asics or Saucony's.

Or maybe you finally attended that salsa dance class that you kept meaning to make time for... why hadn't you done that sooner?

You can replenish your soul by going to church. By attending yoga class. By getting a massage.

With my fantastic partner,
Mauricio Fernandez, aka Pitbull

Clearly, one of my pleasure zones is in singing - for an audience, for sure, but also alone in my car. I can get this high from running obstacle course races, from playing in the ocean, from writing... anything - my blog, a thank you note, an old fashioned love letter... the act of expressing myself on paper is pleasurable for me - and from reading a really good book. That may not sound exciting to you - and that's ok, we all have our own pleasure zones - but it works for me. It brings me back to a place where I can be present with my every day life - working full time, raising three teenagers, managing a menagerie of pets and the myriad activities that come with that life.

Every spontaneous, joyful moment and irrepressible laugh should be cherished. That momentary respite brings pleasure into any given moment. But in addition to that, we ought to be cultivating a regular cadence of pleasure that replenishes our soul.

So back to my original question: where do you find your pleasure?

If you want to learn more about the idea of women's power being centered in their ability to experience pleasure, and how our hormonal imbalances can dramatically affect our mood, our weight and our relationships, I strongly recommend reading Dr. Sara Gottfried's books and blogs as well as Kristin Sweeting Morelli's Red Tent Revival materials (she is no longer doing live events, which are phenomenal, fun and educational, but the recorded materials are available for purchase).

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering programs that support women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to develop this difference into  our strength. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to create an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here. 

Women without Women

Recently I marked a bittersweet milestone in my life.  Walking away from what no longer made sense to me was both empowering and brutal.  Years of coming to terms with what was reality and what was ‘what I wished was so’ had finally catapulted me from security to shifting sand.  The robust joy and peace that I felt when I finally drove away was almost immediately replaced with the fear of the ‘now what?’ There was a journey that took me to the fork in the road – the milestone – and there was the journey that followed.

I would never have made it through without the women in my life.  They each showed up like calculated moves in a chess game.  There was no randomness to either their appearance or counsel.  I had taken the path of incredible vulnerability and I was blessed I was not alone.

There was the wise woman that understood that I couldn’t see the things that were too close to me.  I took refuge in her house, in her unconditional love that metaphorically wrapped its arms around me as I fell apart.  Struggling between a grand exit and retreating back into the darkness, she listened.  She allowed me to suffer, to feel safe and her words were only of support and kindness.  She played the role that I am confident that my mom would have played if she had been here.  She was gentle but firm.  When she pushed she allowed me to react.  So often she said the things that I wasn’t ready to hear but never inferred they were the absolute.  It was perfect, she was just what I needed.

There was the honest woman that understood that I needed to see what was.  She was family, I trusted her and reached out to her in my chaos.  Her words cut like a knife but I longed to hear them.  She validated the reality that I couldn’t see but deeply felt.  She confronted my rationalizations and didn’t allow me to retreat into what wasn’t working just because I wanted to ‘will’ it to work.  She was the one that I didn’t want to disappoint – the one that I felt most compelled to lie to that I was making progress- the progress that I knew I needed to make – but was not yet ready to honestly look at.  She was my accountability.  It was perfect, she was just what I needed.

There was the best friend.  Our connection was both professional and personal, with no visible gateway in-between.  She just showed up in my life as a colleague.  Our connection was instantaneous but the trust has grown over the years.  I marvel at the fact that God sent me a Buddhist as my closest friend and confidant.  I learn from her every day and we travel through life together as peers and deep friends.  She was my respite.  As my journey took unexpected twists and I reacted to what was in front of me, she listened.  Listened without judgement and with no agenda.  She validated daily that every step, every decision was my choice.  I desperately needed what she provided.  She supported my forward motion but she allowed me to work through wanting to return.  On the days that I slipped into the ‘what was’, she let me be there…and as I began to experience the pain of it all, she guided me back to the path I needed to follow.  She allowed me choice.  It was perfect, she was just what I needed.

There was the woman I hired.  I paid her to listen to me weekly as I processed my stuff.  She was friendly and we connected but she was not my friend.  Her guidance didn’t allow blame.  There was no room for it.  I learned to deal with just ‘what was’.  The what was of my past, the what was of my present and the what was as my future.  Her counsel disconnected the emotion from the event.  I could see clearly that the work I needed to do was within me.  Both my power and my brokenness resided within my perceptions and truths.  She was my teacher.  It was perfect, she was just what I needed.

There was the woman that said ‘come in’.  Sometimes the distraction of hurt and pain doesn’t allow us to attend to our life.  She offered respite and shelter.  A place to live, to eat, to be part of a family.  I could be alone or not.  She was my home.  It was perfect, she was just what I needed.

As I reflect on the cast of women that touched my life, I worry and wonder about the women without women.  What would I have done without even just one of these women in my life?  They were like the spokes in a wheel – each one keeping me moving forward on this path – each necessary – keeping my journey smooth and strong amidst the potholes and puddles.  I would have survived, as many women without women do, but I would have suffered for it.  The lessons learned go far beyond my own journey and broader than my own path.  We are all women that need women.  Sometimes we are on the path and sometimes we are supporting others as they navigate their paths.  It all makes sense – it is perfect – it is just what is needed.