The energy of the mind is the essence of life

How's your energy today?

By that, I don't mean, "Did you eat your Wheaties?"  I hope you did... and if you didn't, I hope you ate something of equivalent nutritional value and promise.  No, what I mean is, what type of energy are you bringing into your day? Every thought you have and every action you take is accompanied by energy. The tenor of that energy can determine if a thought is positive or negative, if an action is performed with joy or with frustration and if you're generating more feelings of love or ones of resentment. Sometimes, our thoughts and feelings are not quite in alignment with our energy.  When this happens, it can lead to frustration and anxiety, and sometimes it can take a while to pinpoint why we're feeling this disconnect.

For years, I struggled with sitting meditation. My life philosophy puts sitting meditation at the center of its practice. I've read countless articles about the mental and emotional benefits of sitting still - even for just 15 minutes a day. I know this is a proven practice for bringing some level of inner calm and clarity.

My thoughts were, "Mediation is good for me. To be a good Buddhist, I must do this.  To maintain any sliver of sanity, I should do this."

My actions were to buy books and CDs, schedule time in my calendar and to attempt to sit.  Sometimes I'd go a few weeks... sometimes a few days... before the daily practice was interrupted.

If it's only for 15 minutes a day, how can my practice be so easily disrupted? Simple: my thoughts and actions were not in line with my energy, the core of myself that I was bringing to the practice.

Here's the truth: I sit still and the monkey mind takes over, no position is comfortable and that whole 'focus on your breath' mantra suddenly has me in turns heaving heavily or periodically holding my breath in pathetic attempts to achieve some level of evenness.  It's a lot of work.  And not at all calming or restful.  In the midst of the monkey mind clamor of work projects, household chores and something I am sure I am forgetting, I am adding a new concern that I clearly do not know how to breathe.

Confession: for all the years I've struggled with this, I already knew it wasn't going to work.  I was severe and reprimanding of myself, bringing in a level of energy that is not compatible with the easy, open thought waves of meditation. I was fighting against common beliefs - limiting beliefs - that sitting mediation is the right path, the only path, to finding that sense of inner calm.  And if I couldn't master sitting meditation, then I was a bad Buddhist. So for years, I kept trying.

It was another coach who asked me why... why was I fighting so hard for something that wasn't working for me?  The energy I brought to sitting practice was impatient, frustrated and already pre-programmed to fail. So, she asked, if I looked deeper inside me and paid attention to my inner voice, what was it telling me?

Go run.

But that can't be right.  I am a dedicated runner but a terrible one.  I'm slow.  I don't warm up properly. I don't always eat right. I don't measure my splits, I don't do fartleks though I know I should and my GPS watch gets all squirrelly on me when I sweat so I'm not even sure my times are right... and I do those goofy races where you crawl through mud under barbed wire and wear pink tutus.  Plus, running is a physical activity that is quite the opposite of sitting perfectly still and focusing on your breath.

But... when I run, I bring a different energy. Sometimes I run to raise money for charity.  Sometimes to challenge my physical and mental strength (Aroo! to all you fellow Spartans!) and sometimes, I run to be alone.  On a run, thoughts fly in, I toss them around a bit and then set them free.  It's a different kind of monkey mind, perhaps, but one where I don't feel trapped and overwhelmed.  Instead, it's a mental sorting and releasing of the energy around each of those issues.  After a run, I can come back to any challenge refreshed.  I am calm.  I am happy.  My energy is about embracing my life.  All of it.  So why can't this be my own form of meditation, of finding that place where my mental and emotional energy can find relaxation and release?

It can. It is. When I accept that the energy I bring to running is the right energy for me to clear my head and find some peace, I let go of all the negative messages I have been holding on to about what a bad, undisciplined Buddhist I am.  Others may still think I'm going about this all wrong, but that's ok.  I'm not telling myself that message anymore. I'm going about this in the way that works for me.

The energy of the mind is the essence of life -- Aristotle

So when you look at the energy you bring into your day, look at how it affects the decisions you make and the thoughts that you tell yourself.  How are those thoughts bringing your energy down?  How is your energy predicting your outcomes?

When we examine our thoughts, we can see exactly which inner gremlins are holding us back- and we do it to ourselves.  The real question is, why?

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

I Just Found Out I am a Woman...

I don't know exactly where I realized it. It was somewhere along the way. Definitely not while I was raising four children, working and getting my degrees. I was too busy then... I would have never noticed.

The opportunities appeared as if they were the yellow-brick road to Oz. I am in retail? I think I want something more secure. I will be a US letter carrier. I loved working in my children's school? I will become a teacher. I need a teaching job? Stop in and tell them you are the best and get the job. I am moving across country? I will teach 5th grade overflow, gifted and talented and wait tables to make it work. I want to be a school principal? I need a Masters Degree. I love the work? I think I will continue with my PhD. I need to relocate to another state? Sure, I will move to the private sector and develop an international corporate university. I want to coach and consult with external clients? I chase that dream... It is all a blur of passion and opportunity ... a series of natural next steps.

But somewhere along the way I realized that I am just a woman. It was subtle. I can't remember the first glimpse into my limitations. Was it the first time I was focused and insistent as a leader? It might have been - we know that isn't what good women do. Or was it when I had an idea? It might have been. Could it have been when I chose to work in male dominated industries? It may have been an influence but not the impetus - I can't separate feeling valued by some and not by others.

F
or now - I have never felt my womanhood more. Is it an awakening to a reality that was always present? Is it real or perceived? I know that it is rooted in my passion to work with women leaders. The desire to fuse those of us that are 'aging out' with the newer version sporting piercings and tattoos. I want to bond with those that are like me and lead for those that are yet to come. Could I have gotten here if I hadn't accessed this deeper understanding?

I have discovered my womanhood. I understand where I will flourish and where I will meet oppression. I encourage all of us to push on and push through. I can validate that the journey is real and riddled with ambiguity, but worth it. I am blessed - you will be too. Stay the course - be awakened and yet inspired - embrace your world - be thoughtful - realize what it means to be a woman...

Are you one of the Walking Dead?

2014 was not an easy year. 

I would sit at my desk, fingers at my temples vainly massaging at yet another migraine, and think, "Thank God, this year is almost over."  I would lean against my kitchen counter, too tired to cook but too tired to go out, fighting the desire for a bag of potato chips and trying desperately to tune into the words of my daughter as she describes her latest art project.  I would race from work, to Kendo, to the store, to the vet, to the doctor... wondering when I could grasp a few moments of silence on a solitary run. Yes, 2014 was a year long on hours, short on relief.

But last week, in a rare moment of downtime, I sifted through my photos from the past year.  And I realized, as I scanned the moments captured in between the piercing migraines and soul-thrashing potato chip cravings, that I have been focusing on quite the wrong things.

One year ago, this week, my kids and I completed a six-day road trip from Arizona to Florida, stopping along the way to run three miles amid the aliens of Roswell, devour the best breakfast in the United States in a tiny southwestern diner we stumbled upon by chance, explore the fantastic underground caves of Sonora, relive the brutality at the Alamo, enjoy dinner on San Antonio's Riverwalk and spend New Year's Eve reveling on Bourbon Street in New Orleans.  Shortly after that, we finished the Special Ops Spartan Sprint in Tampa, kayaked in the Everglades, paddle boarded along the quiet beaches of Naples, broke out of a Miami Beach prison cell in 60 minutes, hiked the White Tank Mountain in Arizona, walked Hollywood Blvd in Los Angeles, celebrated my 20 year wedding anniversary in London, caught many pounds of snapper in the deep blue waters of the Gulf, practiced marksmanship under an FBI sharpshooter instructor (who also happens to be my uncle) and ran a few more obstacle course races...

So what was I rubbing my temples about?

Oh, there were challenges in 2014. Believe me... more than a few.  It's so easy to remember the negative.  To focus on the moments that cause our hearts to drop into our stomach, that keep our minds whirring and problem solving into the wee hours of the morning.  These are the moments that keep us trapped in the negative, that cause us to freeze, to worry.  When has worry ever, ever, been a productive part of your life?  It isn't.  It paralyzes us so that we're not living, but we're in zombie
mode, not really paying attention to what's going on around us.  It's autopilot, just going through the motions to get through the day. Who wants to just 'get through' a day?

Reality? Those moments make up parts of my life, yes. I will never fully eliminate worry or stress. I can't control my beloved mutt, Sika, much less the rest of the world.  But when I look back at 2014, I don't want to remember the time spent reconciling the household budget, calling the plumber yet again for the clogged toilet or taking Big Ben to the mechanic. Again.  Instead, I want to recall the excitement on my oldest son's face when he climbed inside a Cessna for his first flight lesson; cheering my youngest son, in full Kendo gear, as he brings his instructor to his knees is a swift, graceful move with his sword; singing random not-so-pop songs in Big Ben with my daughter, enjoying these last few months with her before college looms next fall;  drinking wine in the gorgeous central square of Strasbourg, Germany, with my husband. I choose to remember crossing the Continental Divide and exploring the vineyards in Napa Valley with my Dirty Girl partner.  I soak myself in the memories of a challenging half marathon, a lovely dinner on the beach and successfully (sometimes) staring down Sheila, my self-sabotage gremlin who adores those damn potato chips.

Why would I let the mundane and temporary worries of a late work project or a failed water heater overshadow all this?

But I did.  We all do.

So for 2015... and here after... let's not go there.  Let's not live in temporary crisis mode.  Don't let the clogged toilet outweigh the success of brewing a perfect pot of coffee. Stop worrying about your kitchen being clean enough for the neighbors to pop in and instead enjoy their conversation and fresh baked cookies.  Let the laundry sit another day if it means a few extra hours of the Walking Dead marathon with your kids.  Is it more important to have a clean bra or shared moment with your offspring? I am not minimizing the importance of a clean bra... really, I'm not... but I can't recapture that moment with my kids and I can always squeeze in a late night load of laundry if I'm desperate.


There are so many things we "can't" do because the mundane becomes our "must."  This is our guilt gremlin talking. It's our fear. We must get the dishes done now. We must organize the pantry.  We must sweep the garage.  We must do these things that tick off the checklist for daily life management.  But why? What stops in our world, what crashes down on our fragile heads if the spice rack isn't alphabetized, if the carpet isn't vacuumed this moment or if you Febreze your bra because you forgot to wash it?  (Right, like you never thought of that...)

I am not advocating total irresponsibility.  I am not suggesting you never balance your checkbook, clean your house or vacuum out your car.  I am merely asking you to consider where, given your choices for living your life, those tasks fall in your order of priority and tackle them accordingly.

A full life doesn't have to be exotic or expensive.  My thrill on New Year's Day? I discovered a new brand of coffee that will now gloriously fuel my addiction.  My best moment over the holidays?  Lunch with my family, listening to all the inside jokes and inanity (insanity?) that creates our home culture and that surely looks and sounds bizarre to an outside observer. But we know what we mean and there is joy and comfort in that. What is living successfully?  You decide. But make it about you... not about the details that can overrun your life.

My house will always be chaotic and what my DGC partner affectionately calls "lived in".  But my door is always open.  My home cooked meals sometimes start with dessert.  But the conversation over brownie sundaes and grilled cheese sandwiches is always entertaining.  And no matter how hard I try, I will always be behind on laundry.  But I am not missing a single episode of the Walking Dead with my boys for the sake of clean... anything.

That's where my focus will be in 2015.  Where is yours?

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.