Who Will Tread on your Dreams?

I have spread my dreams under your feet.
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats

"Yeats held a lifelong torch for  revolutionary Maud Gonne (born December 21, 1866). Though they were close friends and he proposed often, she always turned him down, in part because she thought that his yearning for her made him a better poet." - Goodreads

I believe that we give away our power.  Understanding that however does not mean I don't do it everyday. I do it several times a day- in ways so subtle that they cannot be observed.  They are subtle but substantial...and I cannot seem to stop.

I have dreams.  They are professional and personal.  Some are about family and friends.  Others are about geography, recreation and money.  Still others are all about the future.

I give away my power by listening to others.  It isn't really about listening.  We definitly should listen.  It is about caring about what they think.  No, not really..that isn't it. I think it is when I let them influence me.  Hmmm, that really isn't it either. It is so confusing.  I think that is why I can relate to Yeats.

This past summer I took a great trip.  I traveled from Denver to the Grand Canyon, then to Sonoma California, up through Northern California to the Redwoods and back across the Northern Nevada deserts back to Denver.  3400 miles in all - 12 days on the road.  Sounds like a 'dream' road trip...or at least I thought so...until I started to share my plan with family and friends. The details were a problem.  I am a woman, over 50, travelling alone, with my dog, camping - in a tent, in areas where there is no cell service... These details were a problem - certainly not for me - but for just about everyone I shared my plans with.

I listened - but never gave away my power.  Their concern with safety was compelling but I never waivered about my intention to go.  Some were sympathetic that I was travelling alone.  I affirmed that it was a choice and - not to worry - that I was going to meet a friend mid-trip. The 'tent-thing' was a real issue for some.  "Really?...a tent?"

I share this story as a tribute to a time when I never gave up my power.  I had a dream, I listened with a filter that allowed me to plan for things I may have not thought of myself, but with the conviction that trip was a definite. I thanked people for their concern and advice but never inferred that I would not be leaving in early July.  It was a dream I was committed to.  I never ever second guessed my decision.

I wonder how that would work in other areas of my life?  I wonder why I was so determined to take this trip that when people I loved 'rained on my parade', and it didn't dissuade me?  How did I actually achieve that dream?  The answer I think is simple.  I was clear on what I wanted.  I don't remember the last time I had that level of clarity about anything.  We (or at least I) live in a world of options - opportunities - so many things to choose from...that the ability for true clarity is difficult.  I can do this?...but what about that over there?...Can I really do this?...Hmmm... I am not sure.

So I am going to go into 2015 and dream.  But I will also look for direction and clarity...and when I find it...I will commit to it just like it is my summer camping trip.  Funny how life teaches us lessons...

Your most important relationship

I was driving to work.  It was 7:15am on a Tuesday.

I had meetings starting at 8:00am and was booked back-to-back for most of the day.  I brought my lunch but couldn't quite figure out, looking at my calendar, at what point I could actually eat it.  I had three high profile projects in various stages of development to shepherd forth and a meeting with the CEO to walk through one of them that afternoon. Also on my agenda - getting my daughter to a doctor appointment, transferring money between bank accounts, and oh... Christmas shopping.  Right.  Someone is going to want a gift.

As I drove past one fast food place, I thought, "I love their breakfast sandwiches... I should..."

The next block, I passed a family restaurant and remembered the ad I had seen on TV just the night before about breakfast all day and a new steak and eggs deluxe something or other.  What time was my first meeting?

Two blocks further was my favorite coffee shop.   They have an egg and sausage wrap that's really quite delicious.

The cravings continued to tease me until I reached the office.  No, I didn't stop.  And it wasn't because I have amazing willpower.  It was because I wasn't hungry.

I realized this when I passed the coffee shop but before reaching yet another family restaurant with bursting omelettes of goodness and syrupy french toast.  I wasn't hungry because I had eaten breakfast before I left the house.  With coffee.  Logically, I couldn't justify taking the extra time to get to the office or the extra calories.

But I *felt* hungry.

Meet Sheila.  She's a gremlin.
That was my stress talking.  Let's call her Sheila.  Sheila, my stress gremlin, wasn't just talking.  She was screaming.  And twisting and biting.  She was throwing quite the fit and crying, "Pay attention to me!  Feed me!"  And I very much wanted to listen to Sheila.  I wanted to calm her down, help her find a happy place to settle in and not worry so much.  Poor Sheila was so uncomfortable and it seemed the only thing that might settle her was a juicy, fat-laden, carb-heavy steak, egg and cheese bagel sandwich.  With some hash browns.  And maybe another coffee, extra light with two sugars.

I usually drink my coffee black, so when I'm throwing in the added junk, I know that's Sheila making the decisions.

What stopped my car from turning into any of the beckoning parking lots and drive-thrus was rational thought.  Rather than feeding Sheila, I needed to take some time to figure out just why I thought I needed food.  I sat in the office parking lot for a few moments and applied some lipstick. A quick mental inventory told me that my 2pm meeting was a group call with another person presenting, so I could get lunch in at that time. Mental note: do remember the mute button; no one needs to hear you chewing. Ever.  Two of my high profile projects were already in flight.  The next step on one was a simple check in with the rest of the team to gauge progress.  The next step on the other required me putting slides together and time was already booked on my calendar to devote to that.  I was prepared for the CEO meeting and have no control over his reactions, so no use worrying over that.  My daughter's appointment was close to the office.  And the Christmas shopping... well, that's the fun part.  So at the end of my mental inventory, the heavy burden of stress suddenly felt more manageable. I had a plan. I had it all along.

For me, a few moments of rationalization helped skew my day - and my diet - in a more positive direction. Perhaps for you, there's a different process - meditation, self motivating pep talks, looking at photos of something you love... what it is that brings you mentally back on track and helps your own Sheila find a happy place?  In my office, I keep a photo of my kids from a road trip we took over a year ago.  They're standing in front of The Alamo, smiling and relaxed.  When I am feeling harried in the office, I purposefully pause to study that photo.  That's my mental reminder of why I do what I do... and that mini mental break is often enough to shake loose the coils of drama or chaos and allow me to regroup with purpose.

Your body is a... pair of red stilettos?
Our relationship with food is more habitual and more impactful than we think. In fact, most of the time when it comes to our relationship with food, we don't think.  That's a bigger problem... because
our relationship with food is reflective of our relationship with ourselves.  Tired of the adage, "your body is your temple"?  Fine.  Make it your Ferrari.  Make it your tiki hut.  Make it your little black dress, red shoes or any other icon that you feel represents your best "you".   Be Wonder Woman... or Cat Woman... or Xena the Warrior Princess... or any other figure you choose.  Research has proven that if we preface a food decision with "Would Xena eat this?" our choices tend to reflect what we believe Xena would choose. We can and do indeed mold ourselves after our icons.

If you know me well, you know I'm not saying you should never indulge.  I have never been known to turn down dessert.  Or potato chips.  Especially not potato chips...  But as much as I love the potato chip, I love me and the life I live enough to say no - not all the time, but often enough.   And believe me, each and every decision point is just that... a very conscious decision.  And some days, Sheila gets her way. (But then it's not just a handful of potato chips... it's the bag.  And some hot, crispy tater tots... maybe a pint of Ben & Jerry's to top it off.  Sheila can be a very hungry girl.)


Food is certainly an easy way for us to privately examine and really dig into how well we love ourselves.  I'm not suggesting we all adopt radical diets nor that everyone should be a certain weight or maintain a particular BMI.  What I am saying is that if we take a moment to be more mindful of what we put in our mouths, we're being more mindful of not just of how we're treating our selves, but why.

When you can answer the why, you can break through to any goal you set.


Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

How Do I Get There from Here...?

Have you ever been lost?  You might think that is an odd question as cell phones loaded with GPS  and cars that are programmed to get us from here to there are as common as air.  I suppose we can get lost in the mountains or in the jungle - but really the possibilities for that are minimal - and you would have to seriously arrange to get yourself into that kind of trouble.  

I have been lost.  Not so much geographically but certainly, at times, emotionally, monetarily, spiritually, professionally and relationally.  Just over the past couple of days and weeks I have wandered in my head, wondering and meandering ...deciding what is reality and what I have made up as part of the story.  I would suspect that I am not alone.  The robust attendance at my church would infer that there is a plethora of human beings searching.  They aren't easily recognizable, hiding behind successful careers and growing families, but they are there, just shuffling through the dark...working their way along the journey.

It was a challenge that Pastor Jim made at the end of the service that made me think.  This pastor is no ordinary pastor.  His buff stature and 'tatted forearms' would certainly surprise the ordinary parishioner - and that pales next to his non-traditional message. However, on this Sunday he talked about his family.  How no one leaves his house without hearing or saying "I love you" ...and that it is ludicrous (I think his adjective was stronger) that people believe if you say it or hear it too much that it loses its power or deep meaning.  He challenged us to pick a person and say it - I love you - everyday to him or her.  Sounds simple.

For those that know me, saying I love you to my kids and friends is something that I do easily and often.  I send them texts that proclaim it, write it on Facebook and whisper it at the end of every phone call.  But I was lost.  The person that came to mind - the person I want to say it too - the person that needs to hear it the most - well it just doesn't work.  How could something so easy be so disheartening.  So I meander - wandering through the wonder and 'what ifs' that plague us when we are least ready. I will not meet the challenge.

As a successful consultant and coach I consistently search for professional development in what I read and the people I interact with.  I am blessed that I am able to do what I love within the structure of a job and financial responsibilities - and I want to pay it forward by empowering others to be successful.  It isn't noble, it is my skill set...I am just lucky it is also my passion.  Not surprisingly I follow Maxwell and Jim Collins - as well as Sheryl Sandberg.  I am inspired by what they say, who they are and how they guide us through business...but still as human beings.

Tonight I listened to Tony Robbins.  I have listened to him a hundred times on YouTube and mp3 files.  I am inspired by what he represents - that he walks the talk and that he doesn't apologize for his massive success. But tonight I was lost.  I listened to him as he talked about close to 40 years in the business and felt myself relating to the length of his tenure. As he began to share about how he experiences life every day - from the hot showers to cold plunges - the protein and vegetable regimen for every meal and the massive runs he makes every weekend, I wandered into my own brokenness.  Those places where I am undisciplined, the food I eat when I am training or consulting and my lack of morning routines beyond setting my alarm for 4 am. I became lost...wondering how I can do what he does, be who he is...as if by achieving that, I will find my way.

I decided that being lost isn't so bad.  I have good friends that are lost.  Being lost inspires us to find a direction, jolts us into the reality that we live daily and commands us to find a better way or path.  The trick is not to sit down - not to become complacent or weary.  There is power in acknowledging that we are lost.  Sometimes we can't do anything about it but accept it - but most times there is a path for us...a journey still yet to take...perhaps not familiar...but still a road to travel.  I just need to find out how to get there from here... 

The People Must Be the Ones to Win...

 The people must be the ones to win, not the war, because war has nothing to do with humanity. War is something inhuman.

Zlata Filipović

I went to see the Mocking Jay with my daughter last night.  We left the theater and talked about how disturbing the series is.  She is a young educated professional Millennial and it was good for me to see her reaction.  It was good to see that she has not been totally desensitized.  She could feel the darkness that could be in a world that could get caught up in a cycle of senseless anguish, fear and killing.

I can't help but reflect on Ferguson.  A robbery, a killing, rioting, looting...the spiral seems to have no end. We can watch it all happen in real time.  We can voice our support or outrage on blogs and on Facebook.  It is no longer just a story that is discussed among a small intimate group that understands each other - able to come to an understanding - able to agree to disagree but taking away the lessons  learned as we process together.  Instead we state our opinion - our stand - our truth - for the rest of the world to consider.  Responses come in the hundreds as 'comments' shoot back at news articles and media clips. Just other people, with their opinions, stating their truth...

It seems that we are becoming a society with the technical ability to globally communicate but lacking the impetus for real dialogue. We all have what we think is our truth. Most likely somewhere in the middle of my/your reality and perception of the truth - lies the actual 'truth'.  A truth that is uncovered through spirited debate, thoughtful discourse and an energy pursuant of real understanding.  In order to learn, grow and come together - we must be able to listen. We must be able to consider what others think and  allow others to influence and challenge our perception of truth.  Without it, we will not be the ones to win.  We will remain in the spiral.  Humanity will be threatened with what is inhumane.

Dodging the cart of doom: the tale of a long, hot run

You know that kind of heat: you can feel your skin actually sizzling under the sun's blinding rays.  But you don't notice.  You don't notice because your toes are painfully scrunched together with each pounding step you take, because you can feel sweat stinging the chafed skin from your tank top, and because you can feel the hooks of your sports bra digging into your back.

I am at Mile 8 in a half marathon and at this point in the race, I am only running for one thing.  I do not want to be the runner in the cart.

The dirty, cream colored box buzzes by regularly.  Two friendly looking guys with flattops and FBI sunglasses give me a thumbs up each time they pass.  I signal back, with a completely fake, achingly forced smile, and keep dragging my feet forward.  I will not, will not, will not get in the cart.

If you're not a runner, the zippy little golf cart seems innocuous enough.  It serves a purpose - if you're injured or dehydrated, this is your rescue squad.  There are good reasons to get in the cart. But...if you aren't injured and aren't dehydrated... the cart can be a symbol of impending doom.  The cart is the sweeper.  Road races that block off lanes of traffic for the sake of runners have set end times. Runners who are not across the finish line by the time the lane needs to reopen for regular car traffic are picked up by the sweeper. And when you're picked up by the sweeper, you don't finish the race.  I do not want to be the runner in the cart.

The day started off sideways.  I lay in bed at 5 a.m., scrolling through the email on my phone and pausing to read my horoscope.  It said:

ARIES, get ready for everything to go wrong today. Look inside yourself for the strength necessary to move those mountains out of your way. You aren't going to get anywhere sulking, not that your sign is known for that. We all find ourselves in messes, but you also always find your way out. 

I immediately deleted it, thinking gleefully, "Not today!  Today is race day!"

But I should have taken it as a warning sign.

An hour later, I was standing outside Building 1 of the race-sponsored hotel with about 25 other runners.  The bus was scheduled to pick us up at 6:10 a.m., plenty of time to reach the Key Largo Bridge for our 7 a.m. race start.  There was a team of of college runners eager to see if they can beat their PRs (personal record).  There were a few couples, running together as part of their weekend-in-the-Keys activities.  I befriended Lori and Amanda, here on a girls' weekend.  Lori is fun and outgoing, in her late 50s and Amanda is tall and lovely, in her 30s.  They were visiting from Michigan.  We were joined by Pete, a 6'4" lanky guy from Fort Myers in his late 40s and Joan, who had to be at least 70 years old, looked like she had been a professional runner since she was two years old.  Amanda, Pete, Joan and I were the half marathoners of the group.  Everyone else was running the 5k or 10k distance.  

But by 6:15 a.m., the bus wasn't there.  It wasn't there at 6:25 a.m. either.  A few of the runners are calling and texting the race organizers (no luck) and friends already at the race.  Finally, a race organizer was found and we were told the bus came by but didn't see us so kept driving on.  So we must be standing in the wrong spot.  No.  No, we are not.  Then we were told we must have all been late.  No. No, we were not.  Finally, we were told they are sending a bus for us.  Now it is 6:40 a.m.

The bus finally showed up at 7:05 a.m.  We have missed the 7 a.m. start time.

When we get to the race, the organizers took our bags, promised refunds and said we can still run - which was everyone's first question. We have to all start together at 7:45 a.m., a full 45 minutes after the 1000 other runners.  Many of the 5k runners are already back.  A few 10k-ers were trickling in. 

Did I mention only four of us were actually running the half marathon?

I knew at that moment that I would be dead last.  I have never been last and I took a few minutes to process this.  I am not a fast runner. I have never proclaimed to be even moderately not-slow.  I am slow.  And I am comfortable with this because I don't run for time.  But slow as I am, I have never been last.  In the bottom 30%, sure... but not last.  And here I am, looking at svelte Amanda, lanky Pete and uber athletic Joan and realizing... oh yes.  Today, I will be dead last.

And then, we run.

Two miles into the race, I get another warning sign.  This one is an actual sign: "Crocodile crossing, next six miles."  Um, what?  I have to run the next four miles through a crocodile crossing... and then turn around and come back through it again?  Immediately, my brain scanned for all the data my walking-encyclopedia son, David, has ever told me about crocodiles.  Crocodiles are meaner than gators... definitely faster... and I'm sure he said something about their singular taste for human flesh, didn't he?

My horoscope was not joking.  Not even a little.

Amanda and Joan were long out of sight.  I'm pretty sure they were faster than any crocodiles.  I paced about a quarter mile behind Pete up until mile 3.25, the 10k turnaround point, when he made a wide u-turn and started back at me.  As we passed each other, I yelled, "Why?" and he shrugged, "I get the medal either way!"

Now I was truly alone. There is no one behind me and the runners ahead of me are coming at it - returning from their half marathon jaunt. But I was feeling energized and accomplished.  I could do this. I had trained for this.  Being last didn't matter because I still had plenty of time before the sunglassed sweepers in the golf cart came by and my only goal going into this half had been to beat the time of my last half marathon.

But now at Mile 8, my skin is roasting.  My toes are screaming.  My back is crying bloody tears.  I eye the flattops and FBI sunglasses in the golf cart... if they come by one more time, maybe I would get in.  Why not?  I tried.  I got a bum deal with the late start. It's 15 degrees warmer and 40% more humid than the past three weekends when I trained. Who would blame me?

I would. I try not to think about the golf cart.

I have over five miles to go.  My mind wanders a bit to pass the time... how much I'm going to enjoy eating after this race (yes, food is usually the first thing I think of rewarding myself with even though I am never hungry after a run)... how this weekend, finally, I am going to try snorkeling... how I hope my cat, Chairman Mao, is back to walking normally after falling off the 2nd floor landing a few days ago, crashing to the first floor (he is not a graceful feline)... more random, every day and work related  thoughts pass through my mind as I try not to focus on my skin, my feet or my back.

I make it to Mile 9, doggedly pushing myself forward. My time is going to hell. I am squinting into the sun, sweat blinding me beneath fogged sunglasses.  And I see in the distance, on the empty stretch of concrete... another runner.  Is this possible? A woman in a bright pink shirt is ahead of me.  I can see her... and I couldn't see her a few minutes before so I must be gaining.  Can I catch up with her?  

Big energy shift. I can catch up with her.  I can talk to her. If she's struggling, perhaps I can help her.  And she won't know it, but she will help me... we could walk together, for however long we need to.  After all, two people walking across the finish line together is less pathetic than one... especially the very last one, right?  As I narrow the gap, I feel lighter.  My feet trudge a little less and skip a little more. I am less than a quarter mile behind her.  I wave away the FBI sunglasses in the cart - why don't they let me be? - and I focus on the runner in the pink shirt.  I am almost there.  But the sunglasses are ahead of me.  They stop the cart.  The girl in the pink shirt climbs in.

"No!"  I cry out loud but no one hears me.  I have no voice to yell because I have to breathe to keep running.  I keep moving but I in my mind I am saying to her, "You didn't have to do that.  I am right here.  We could have gotten through this."  

I now realize that it hurts more to stop and walk than to keep up what has to be a lumbering, monstrous running gait, so I just keep going.  It's not like anyone can see me.  Just after Mile 10, alone amid concrete and mangroves, three miles has never seen so excruciatingly distant.  And then... I see movement ahead.  Can it be?  As I approach, I can see that a dark silhouette. She is walking.  She runs for about ten seconds, then walks again.  My energy surges back, and so have the loving thoughts of, "We can walk to the finish together!  We can help each other!"

As I come up behind her, I take out my ear buds.  I raise a hand to wave at her and open my mouth.  As I come aside her, she glances up with a closed, defeated face and immediately looks back at the ground.  I say, "Hi!" and slow down.  She does not acknowledge or respond.  In fact, she quite determinedly keeps her head down.

So, I keep running.  For about three minutes, I am feeling mighty motivated - after all, I wasn't expecting to see anyone at all.  And then I start to feel the sun again, my feet, the open wound on my back... I scramble to think about something, anything else... about the laundry piling up at home...  how many weeks has it been since I've taken Sika to the dog park... a hot, juicy gyro smothered in tzatziki would be really delicious...

But this is not enough.  And this is when the self talk happens.  Out loud.  I am in the final stretch.  I can do this.  I trained for this.  I hear my voice over P!nk in my ears.  I need to hear myself.  There is no one else there to cheer - or goad - me forward.  Those damn sunglasses are back and I wave them away with bared, gritted teeth and a feeble "thumbs up".

I remembered what my friend Karl Johnsen, a dedicated runner, told me when I first started running several years ago: "It's all mental.  Your mind will want to quit well before your body does.  Don't listen."

I remembered what my coach, Sandra Gonzalez, said in the weeks during my training: "I know you've got this, you're working so hard at it.  Remember, you are an athlete."

I remembered what my DGC partner, Shirley Ramos, said, "You should blog about this.  Training is mental and emotional dedication.  You should talk about that - it's inspiring."

I remembered what my son, David, told me just the day before: "You're crazy...  Maybe I should do one with you next time."

Inspirational people don't quit.  They don't get into the cart.  Now I am worried about my time and the sweepers in the sunglasses, but I keep dragging myself forward.  It's sort of a run.  If you squint. Maybe more of a loping.

The last mile and a half of the race is the arc of the bridge.  Full disclosure: at the base of the incline, I stopped running.  I know my limits.  I walk - as fast as I can push my burning quads - up the incline.  It's not steep.  I used to live in Massachusetts - I know hills.  But this is Florida and it's the steepest incline I've seen in three years.

At the top of the bridge is the final water station.  I take a Dixie cup of Gatorade from tired volunteers dressed as pirates and look at the view.  This is why I came.  To run the bridge. To see the mangroves and the egrets and gleaming water.  Which was now blinding me with the bouncing glare of the sun.

So I run.  At least this time, it's all down hill.  Right to the finish.

If you haven't run a road race, this story may not make sense to you. If you do, then I think you'll understand what I learned last Saturday.  When you join a race, you feed off the collective energy.  The excitement of other runners - some who are super competitive and some who are just happy not to be in the medic tent.  The generosity of water station volunteers, who dress as pirates and Spiderman and Wonder Woman to cheer you on.  The goodwill of the spectators, who want to see a specific loved one stumble past but who yell a few kind words to anyone willing to make eye contact.  This is a communal event.  And that excited energy, that mental and emotional boost, make all the difference on race day.  I started 45 minutes late with 25 awesome runners... but it wasn't the same.  We missed the big start.  We missed the energy surge.  When we took off, we were stressed and irritated.  And the crowd - and the other runners - were confused.  We were going the wrong way.

I scraped my motivation from every corner of my mind to finish a race that was supposed to be a gentle Saturday morning jaunt across the beautiful Key Largo Bridge. I didn't beat my last half marathon time, but by the time I crossed the finish line, I didn't care. I was exhausted physically and mentally. I ran a 13.1 mile mental race, and I won.

I am not the runner in the cart.


Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

It's just fear... in really good shoes, but it's still fear

It's very cliche to talk about the journey.  

We're all on a journey.  It's all about the journey, not the destination.  We each have our own journey.  But a journey is a hard thing - it implies long distances, singular adversity and undoubtedly a little bad weather.

What if it's not a journey?  

What if it's an expanse... wide open spaces that surround us.  Make a slow, 360 degree turn.  We can choose to go in any given direction.  We can choose to head into a city or a sleepy village, a forrest or the beach. We can choose to move towards people or away from them.  We can choose to eat chicken breasts and mixed greens or fried chicken and mashed potatoes smothered in gravy.  Or my personal favorite, lava cake and tawny port...

We can choose.

So why don't we?

Think of the number of decisions you make in any given day, week or year.  How many of those reflect what you believe is the 'right' decision - the decision that will have friends, family and society at large smiling kindly at you?

A lot.  We make a lot of decisions to just get along.  We seek affirmation and value from those around us and we make decisions that make it more likely we'll garner that approval.  We choose our brand of peanut butter based on what was the cupboard when we were kids.  We like the cars our fathers drove.  We majored in parent-approved fields, dated friend-approved men, wear peer-approved clothing and adopt boss-approved behaviors at work.  And we do much of it without thinking. This is how we're trained.  This is how we get along.  We stumble into each stage of our life, following the pattern of what's expected without questioning what we want. We go to school, we get married, we have kids, we have jobs...

What happens when you make a decision that is truly reflective of what you want and who you are?  For starters, you might actually get what you want.  That's the upside.  But the rest...?  Our family might think we're making bad choices.  Our friends might disapprove.  Our peers may raise an eyebrow and gossip.  Our boss might deny that promotion. We might be ignored. We might be shunned. We might be happy. That's a lot of mights.

And it's a lot of fear.

We keep up appearances.  We move forward through the parent-approved life playbook, marry the friend-approved man and dress in our peer-approved high heels.  And we fall forward into these lives not even conscious that much of what drives us is fear... "in really good shoes, but it's still fear," (thank you, Elizabeth Gilbert).

Decisions are not always as easy as buying a jar of peanut butter or choosing between classic black leather pumps or a strappy red heel.  When you consider divorce, illness, a new job, a cross country move... other people are involved and impacted.  Sometimes legalities add complications.  But at the end of the day, you still have to make a decision.  Or put another way, you have to decide how to best explore your possibilities.  What criteria will you use?

Most of us don't even see the 360 degree expanse of the world that is around us and the unending possibilities.  We are focused on that journey, with predetermined curves and bumps, with the embedded idea of a predetermined destination.  Most days, we aren't even sure which turn we took to get us this far along the journey in the first place.

So I invite you to stop. Make the 360 degree turn. Slowly. Really take in the possibilities. Forget the journey. Open your eyes to the expanse around you.  It can be overwhelming.  It can be deafening.  It can be freeing. There are decisions to be made out there. They are ours to make, to consciously choose and own.

Put your favorite heels on - you know, the strappy four-inch ones that your mom hates and your best friend covets - and step firmly forward.  In any direction you choose.


Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Sensuality and selling: it's all in the voice (Obstacle #13)

 I can't focus.  It's uneven, pitchy... staccato words hitting me like a Thompson submachine gun.  I have turned my phone volume down to a low, low level to try to soften the noise but it continues to pierce my sternum and the sensitive area just below my eyes.  I may need a migraine pill.  The speaker's voice is scratchy, high pitched and cracks frequently like an adolescent boy.  He's talking fast, but unrhythmically and takes awkward, somewhat lengthy pauses.

I am not processing the words.  I am not getting the message.  I can't get past the voice.

On the other hand, my mechanic has a voice that can make reading javascript out loud sound compelling... soothing... even a little bit sexy.  And I have to remind myself that "Buttah" (as I call him in my head, never out loud) is not lowering my repair bill with that glorious voice.  He's not even promising my car will be ready tomorrow.  In fact, he's not saying anything more riveting than that a part needs to be ordered and my car might be ready by Tuesday.  Maybe.

And I sigh and say, "Ok, (Buttah).  Call me when it's ready."  I got the message.  I even enjoyed it.  Even if I don't enjoy the bill.

In an earlier blog, (Can you hear me now?) I discussed how sometimes the way in which women present ideas leads us to be overlooked.  The focus was on how we show up, the power with which we deliver our message.  Part of that power is is the tool with which we deliver - our voice.

I think hearing is our most under-rated of senses.  There is so much we glean from sound - not even words, just sound.  There's so much we feel.  A few bars of a song can take us back to a teenage memory.  The cry "Mom!" has every mother's head swiveling, even though she knows in that split second it is not her child. My cat, Chairman Mao, knows the sound of my car.  When I pull up in the driveway, he immediately comes to the door and waits for my entrance.  (Yes, he is an exceptional cat).  Sound evokes emotion, action and reaction.  So how can you make it work for you?

We are not all born with Buttah's voice.  We are born with our actual pitch, timbre and resonance.
 But we can control some aspects of how our voice represents the story we want to tell.

1. Pitch: a low pitched voice is considered a dominant characteristic.  Studies have shown that executives with lower pitched voices have longer tenure in their roles, make more money and evoke a higher sense of trust in others.  However, all is not lost if you're not blessed with a naturally low voice.  Assuming you don't want to go through testosterone treatments or "voice scratching", the simple act of slowing down and lowering the volume of your voice can help minimize any negative impression.

Also pay attention to the pitch you use when making statements versus asking questions.  Although both genders fall into this pattern, women are more guilty than men of ending declarative statements like they aren't really sure... and we do it unconsciously. You've heard it: you're asked a question and your answer is, "I went for a short run around the high school track...?" And your pitch rises to a question on the word 'expert' leaving open the question, did you or didn't you? I am not sure where we picked up such an insecure speech pattern, but at least this part of pitch is completely within our control.

Keep in mind:  this is NOT the same as monotone.  Monotone is deadly.  "Bueller... Bueller..."

2. Rhythm/tempo: speaking quickly can convey passion, but it can also convey nervousness or the impression of talking too much.  Consciously controlling the tempo of your speech can have a significant impact: slowing down to emphasize key words or phrases, speeding up to generate energy and pausing between phrases or ideas all work to relay confidence and masterful storytelling.

3. Timbre: the emotional quality you bring to your voice.  It's the quality of your voice that reflects your attitude or meaning behind a particular word or phrase.  Here is where your real sincerity bleeds through... or sarcasm... or anger.  It's another area where the energy in your voice reflects your emotional message, the one supporting the actual words you utter.  So know what you're saying with your words and what you want to convey, and reflect that in energy you bring to speaking those words.

4. Enunciation: speaking clearly isn't just about being heard and understood.  It leaves an impression.  Enunciating your words indicates you are deliberately choosing each one to convey your message.  That suggests confidence and thoughtfulness.  It also forces you to slow down when you speak and control your tempo.

Speech is power.  And it's a tool you use daily.  Speech is motivating.  It's excruciating.  It invokes powerful emotions.  It shares. It obfuscates. It brings people together.  It rips them apart.  We use our voice to convey so many things, human things, things that matter.

Are you using yours consciously?

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Obstacle #5: Confessions of a Work Wife

Every morning, I walked into Shane's office with two cups of coffee.

I handed one across the desk and sat down for 10-15 minutes… sometimes venting about another coworker, sometimes describing the weekend's events, sometimes vetting ideas for an upcoming campaign.  Some afternoons, we'd step out to grab lunch.  If something ridiculous was happening in the hallway, an IM from Shane, only two doors down, immediately popped up, "Did we just hear what I think we heard?"  When one of my presentations went horribly awry, he was first to hear me lament and relive the pain. When a big sales deal fell through, he'd slump in the chair across my desk and walk through what went sideways and when.

Was I a work wife?  I didn't think about it until recently - long after I had left that job, and Shane.

Work spouse: A significant other you work with, whom you connect, share, and spend time with exclusively and intimately in the workplace. Both parties are mere acquaintances outside of the workplace and are completely unknown to each other's true and respective domestic spouses. (Urban Dictionary)

So, let's talk about the "work wife."

You're in a tight knit environment, sharing the same peer group, the same bosses, the same projects, deadlines and pressures.  You rely on your cohorts in the trenches alongside you, whether it's getting through a difficult meeting or celebrating a project's success.  These relationships can be empowering and fun, but they can also lead to politics and drama.

Consider your work spouse: what role does he play in the organization?  Does your counterpart have influence over your position - the type that can get you promoted… or fired?  How do your coworkers view your relationship and does that impact how they engage with you?

Our independent, cavalier persona responds to those questions with a "Who cares?"  But we do care.  And we should.  The nature of our relationships at work makes up a large component of our ability to be productive and effective in the work environment.  Our work spouses feed and empower us, supporting our success.  But any drama, or perceived drama, can minimize us and our ability to have an impact.

The "power work wife" is the ideal work wife relationship.  Your counterpart is a peer and a true partner in your work projects and initiatives.  You're an internal power couple, essentially, working together towards a common goal and with mutual respect and agreement around how to get things done.  Your ideas are respected, your suggestions given even weight and you do not feel like you are pushing or fighting with your partner to be heard or understood.  While this relationship will still entertain its share of gossip, the balance of power is that of equals and this is visible to the organization.

The subordinate work wife is a trickier matter.  The earliest usage of the term work wife was a

reference by a CEO to his administrative assistant, and historically, that has been the perception.  The work wife takes care of the husband's needs at work - ensuring he's organized, receives and responds to messages, gets to meetings on time and has lunch/coffee as required.  Then he goes home and the home-based wife fills in the gaps.

The balance of power here can be challenging.  In an admin/exec relationship, the roles are clear and the power balance is dependent on the personalities involved.  But what happens when you are the work wife to someone higher on the food chain but who is not your direct boss?  If his position can influence your advancement within the company, then you're still a target for the rumor mill.  More so because the relationship between the executive and the executive admin is easily explained - it's a stereotype - but a close relationship with an imbalance of power and no direct reporting ties leaves much open to overactive imaginations in the work place.

Confessions of a Work Wife
So here's the truth: there was no Shane.

But there was a Shirley. Seriously. Same scenario in my opening paragraph - daily coffee, occasional lunch, lots of IMs, phone calls and hallway conversations. If you look at the definition of a work spouse, she was it.  It was only later, as we left our place of mutual employment, that we really became personal friends (and then Dirty Girl partners).

Was I still a work wife?

Or are we just friends?

If you're about to tell me the sexual undertones of a male/female friendship is an old fashioned view, then you're ignoring the truth our work mores place before us daily.  No one cared if every day I walked into Shirley's office, handed her  cup of coffee and spent ten minutes telling her about the idiot barista who interpreted my soy mocha as soy milk and gave me a hot steaming cup of milk… like I was a toddler getting ready for bed (yeah, that really happened).

Perception matters.

As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

How I 'Manage' being an Extrovert

Being a 'high E' as referred to by some assessment specialists, I know that I can be more than talky and enjoy spending time in social situations. It is no surprise that I might be described as social, outgoing or fun.  With clients and in meetings I am never one to struggle with providing input or leading with a new idea.  For my entire working life, I have understood this about myself and contribute my success partly to wearing the badge of 'extrovert'.

However understanding one's self and having a true 'awareness' of self can be two distinctly different things. Working over the last several months with personality assessments within the context of leadership and professional development initiatives, I have gained a deeper understanding of how I show up for people.  What I might see as being 'highly engaged' might seem overpowering to someone else.  Where I see great ideas and initiatives, others ponder real possibility or sustainability. Working with clients on how they are perceived by others and the impact on their effectiveness has given me an opportunity to move from just understanding to being deeply aware.

Extroverts share two distinct characteristics; they process information by talking and they 'recharge' by seeking social interaction.  I can identify intimately with both of these characteristics.  Go ahead, ask any of the women in my life...if I have an idea, a thought, a problem to work through, I will reach out to any of them to process it.  What many of them don't know is that if I can't reach one of them, I will reach out to the next...and the next...until I find one that can listen while I talk something through.  And as for recharging, I am not one to shy away from coffee with friends or a Friday night 'happy hour'.

So what does this acute awareness mean as I work to interact with my fellow introverts...those colleagues that process information by thinking and aren't exactly inspired by socializing in large groups or attending events?  How can I best manage my 'extrovertness' in a way that enhances communication?

• 1.    I ask myself 'Do you really need to say that?'  Being aware that I can monopolize a conversation or overshare in a meeting, I now check myself by silently asking if what I am about to say is really necessary or adds value to the conversation.  In meetings I now sit back and ensure that everyone has a chance to talk and offer up questions to discover rather than statements.

• 2.    I seek out insight and opinions from thoughtful introverts. Understanding that meetings were made for extroverts ( a place for extroverts to get together to process by talking), I am acutely aware of those that tend to share less.  Also knowing that introverts need an opportunity to think through and process before providing insight or ideas, I wait until after the meeting to reach out and inquire about their opinions on a topic.  Giving an introvert the option of talking after the meeting, or even the next day, I know I will gain insight that I would have missed out on simply because I didn't know how to access it.

• 3.    I ask for feedback. In my extrovertness, I can show up as a steam roller.  In my openness and availability to share my thoughts, I can tend to miss out on subtle cues from others.  In an effort to ensure I haven't missed out on what others have to share, I am cognizant of asking if I have missed anything, is there anything else anyone needs to share?... what other thoughts are there?... are we moving in the right direction?... anything that takes me outside of own thoughts and facilitates others' ideas.

I don't apologize for being an extrovert, nor do I wish that I was any different.  I do, however, enjoy a deeper awareness of who I am, how I am wired and how I show up for people. 

Work-life integration: it's in each moment.

Work-life integration is a rather Zen thing.  

Any given day consists of an incessant flow of decisions.

What to eat for breakfast…?
…does my son have enough lunch money…?
…can we finish the campaign copy on time…?
…who else should review this decision…?
…when is the best time to take the cat to the vet…?
…can I stomach another salad for lunch…?
…do I have time to finish this one email before leaving to pick up the kids…?
…should I work on arms or legs at the gym…?
…can I burn any calories if I just take a nap…?
…what can I throw together for dinner…?
…how much homework  help is too much…?

…and so the list goes on and on.  Our lives are a series of decisions.

We used to call it work-life balance.  But then we realized something: balance doesn't exist.

Balance is a condition in which elements are of equal proportion.  Equal parts work time and equal parts personal time.  To achieve balance, we must juggle the two halves so that work gets done and friends and family don't feel neglected.  That's a neat way to manage it.  If only it were possible.

But the convenience of technology brings about a blending of our lives that makes it all one. Technology means I never have to miss an email, an IM or a phone call - whether it's from my coworkers or my kids. I can read documents where ever I am - the latest memo from IT about security updates or the college application form for daughter.  I can look up product details for BASE24-eps 2.0 or search for gold "Wonder Woman" style sandals to go with this ridiculously fabulous red jumpsuit.  And I can do it sitting in shorts on my back patio, in a pencil skirt and slingbacks at the office or standing in line at Target.

So as I tackle all of this, tell me… what time is it?  

In the days pre-smart phones and tablets and laptops, you could argue that when you were out of the office, work would not and could not get done.  You were cut off from your work tools and now your focus could be on attending a football game or grilling a steak.  There was a clear delineation of work time and personal time.

Today, however, I know if I take Oberyn to the vet at 9:30am on Tuesday, I can still be online and working at 9:30pm that night to finish editing that blog.  In fact, while petting Oberyn as he gets his rabies booster, I responded to a coworker's quick question via IM.

Working for a global company makes time even more irrelevant.  For two years, every Tuesday night at 7pm, I was on the phone with my team in Australia.  And 6:30am on Thursdays I called into a standing meeting with the group based in Frankfurt.

So, when, exactly, should I be "balancing" my personal and professional lives?  How do I determine when I've achieved balance?

I don't know.  And I'm really not about setting myself up for impossible goals.

What technology has brought about is the realization that it's every moment and every decision that counts.  We make the most of our life and our time in every waking moment.  Some of those decisions will be about quarterly earnings calls and strategic planning meetings and writing ad copy.  Some of those decisions will be about the most convenient place to pick up dinner on my way home so that instead of cooking, I have time for a conversation with my offspring and a night run.  But these decisions are not split into distinct and separate times of day.  Sometimes, brochures get edited at 11pm and catch up with my kids happens at 6am.  Sometimes, I spend all my waking hours working, working, working… looking for another day when I can pull the kids out of school and head to the beach for paddle boarding.  And sometimes, the best I can do is offer "Backwards Dinner", where we eat dessert first to ensure we don't miss the best part.

Work-life integration is simply about making the best decision we can in the moment we are in.  And if we are feeling overwhelmed by too many work moment and work decisions, we must use that moment to make a different decision.  But these choices are not about balance and they are not about time.

These choices are about how we live our lives, in each moment.

As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Obstacle #11: To flirt or not to flirt at work

Flirting is a power tactic.

Whether at work or at play, the art of flirtation is about persuasion and control.  And fun.  I am not asserting that flirting is positive or negative in any situation. This obstacle is one each of us needs to figure out individually, the way in which we're most comfortable working through it.  So let's consider the art - and obstacle - of flirtation at the office.

First, just what is flirting?  For the purposes of the work environment discussion, and as evaluated in various studies, flirting is defined as personal charm that incorporates playfulness, flattery and a level of sexiness.  This is a step beyond friendliness, which is defined as exhibiting warmth and interest.  Flirting is deliberate attempts to have the opposite party notice your particular charm.

So, what if you knew that flirting benefitted you in negotiations?

Women who flirted during negotiations in which a clear "zero sum" exchange needed to take place (goods for money, for example) obtained better terms when their counterpart was male.  If you knew you could receive a higher discount or a better set of terms, would you smile a little more brightly or offer a compliment?  Put so bluntly, it feels icily calculated.  But think for a minute about the men you work with - if you share a private joke, a sidelong glance, if you touch his arm or tell him you like the way his shirt brings out the color of his eyes, are you friendly or flirting? When men have an elevation in mood due to what they perceive as flirting (and flattery), they are more amenable in negotiations.

But not all the time.  When women flirt with men in negotiations where both parties are trying to achieve a gain, they are less successful. The overall success of a mutual negotiation is higher - a larger pie is carved out between two friendly parties.  But the slicing of that pie does not favor the flirting woman.  She managed to improve the benefits to both of them, by helping to expand the potential rewards, but statistically she isn't able to claim her competitive share of that pie.

So perhaps you could argue that you'd rather not take chances on the type of misunderstanding flirting at work can bring and since not all negotiations are successful, you will rely on your no-nonsense smarts to work through those delicate conversations.  And that's certainly an option.

But this obstacle has another slippery slide.  It's not your standard eight foot wall to scale.  It's more like that inverted wall where you have to pull your weight up the inverted side and then use all your strength to haul yourself over the inverted top and avoid toppling down the "easy" side, which can result in injury.  And mud.  There's always mud.

Consider the challenge of likability.  Women in leadership roles fight the likability battle regularly.  If we're assertive, we're bossy or a less kind b-word.  If we insist or debate, we're pushy and hard.  We use "male" qualities to manage and get ahead in a man's environment, and yet those same qualities that brand men as strong leaders make women brassy and cold.  The social cost is high. This impression also leads to misconception around competence - women who are viewed as overly aggressive by their male peers are also viewed as less competent.  Women who flirt with their peers, on the other hand, are perceived as friendly.  When women are perceived as friendly and competent, their ability to be heard and negotiate is amplified.

What if you knew that men flirt more than women in the workplace to get what they want? 

Catherine Hakim, social scientist and author of Erotic Capital: The Power of Attraction in the Boardroom and the Bedroom, says we should unabashedly use our feminine charms.  We have them, why hide them?  Men have no such qualms about using their charisma or looks if they believe it will provide some leverage, so why are we ashamed to?

Of course, there is also the risk of misunderstanding.  Is a real relationship blossoming here or is this merely bantering fun at work? We - men and women - can feel taken advantage of once we realize the other person wanted nothing more than that moment of flirtation - and perhaps  for you to help write that update for the CEO's pet project.

So where do you stand on the concept of flirting in the work place?  Victoria Pynchon advises that if you're going to do it, do it genuinely. Don't fake compliments, don't flirt with men you're not comfortable with.  Rather, play into the positive qualities before you. "I've never known anyone who was so thoroughly repugnant that I couldn't find something to love in them."

So how do you overcome this obstacle?  And how do you handle others who flirt with you?

Studies used in this discussion: 

Feminine Charm: An Experimental Analysis of its Costs and Benefits in Negotiations by Laura J. Kray, Connson C. Locke and Alex B. Van Zant (July 2012)
SIRC Guide to Flirting by Kate Fox (2014)
The Five Flirting Styles by Jeffrey Hall (2013)

As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.