Who Will Tread on your Dreams?

I have spread my dreams under your feet.
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats

"Yeats held a lifelong torch for  revolutionary Maud Gonne (born December 21, 1866). Though they were close friends and he proposed often, she always turned him down, in part because she thought that his yearning for her made him a better poet." - Goodreads

I believe that we give away our power.  Understanding that however does not mean I don't do it everyday. I do it several times a day- in ways so subtle that they cannot be observed.  They are subtle but substantial...and I cannot seem to stop.

I have dreams.  They are professional and personal.  Some are about family and friends.  Others are about geography, recreation and money.  Still others are all about the future.

I give away my power by listening to others.  It isn't really about listening.  We definitly should listen.  It is about caring about what they think.  No, not really..that isn't it. I think it is when I let them influence me.  Hmmm, that really isn't it either. It is so confusing.  I think that is why I can relate to Yeats.

This past summer I took a great trip.  I traveled from Denver to the Grand Canyon, then to Sonoma California, up through Northern California to the Redwoods and back across the Northern Nevada deserts back to Denver.  3400 miles in all - 12 days on the road.  Sounds like a 'dream' road trip...or at least I thought so...until I started to share my plan with family and friends. The details were a problem.  I am a woman, over 50, travelling alone, with my dog, camping - in a tent, in areas where there is no cell service... These details were a problem - certainly not for me - but for just about everyone I shared my plans with.

I listened - but never gave away my power.  Their concern with safety was compelling but I never waivered about my intention to go.  Some were sympathetic that I was travelling alone.  I affirmed that it was a choice and - not to worry - that I was going to meet a friend mid-trip. The 'tent-thing' was a real issue for some.  "Really?...a tent?"

I share this story as a tribute to a time when I never gave up my power.  I had a dream, I listened with a filter that allowed me to plan for things I may have not thought of myself, but with the conviction that trip was a definite. I thanked people for their concern and advice but never inferred that I would not be leaving in early July.  It was a dream I was committed to.  I never ever second guessed my decision.

I wonder how that would work in other areas of my life?  I wonder why I was so determined to take this trip that when people I loved 'rained on my parade', and it didn't dissuade me?  How did I actually achieve that dream?  The answer I think is simple.  I was clear on what I wanted.  I don't remember the last time I had that level of clarity about anything.  We (or at least I) live in a world of options - opportunities - so many things to choose from...that the ability for true clarity is difficult.  I can do this?...but what about that over there?...Can I really do this?...Hmmm... I am not sure.

So I am going to go into 2015 and dream.  But I will also look for direction and clarity...and when I find it...I will commit to it just like it is my summer camping trip.  Funny how life teaches us lessons...

Your most important relationship

I was driving to work.  It was 7:15am on a Tuesday.

I had meetings starting at 8:00am and was booked back-to-back for most of the day.  I brought my lunch but couldn't quite figure out, looking at my calendar, at what point I could actually eat it.  I had three high profile projects in various stages of development to shepherd forth and a meeting with the CEO to walk through one of them that afternoon. Also on my agenda - getting my daughter to a doctor appointment, transferring money between bank accounts, and oh... Christmas shopping.  Right.  Someone is going to want a gift.

As I drove past one fast food place, I thought, "I love their breakfast sandwiches... I should..."

The next block, I passed a family restaurant and remembered the ad I had seen on TV just the night before about breakfast all day and a new steak and eggs deluxe something or other.  What time was my first meeting?

Two blocks further was my favorite coffee shop.   They have an egg and sausage wrap that's really quite delicious.

The cravings continued to tease me until I reached the office.  No, I didn't stop.  And it wasn't because I have amazing willpower.  It was because I wasn't hungry.

I realized this when I passed the coffee shop but before reaching yet another family restaurant with bursting omelettes of goodness and syrupy french toast.  I wasn't hungry because I had eaten breakfast before I left the house.  With coffee.  Logically, I couldn't justify taking the extra time to get to the office or the extra calories.

But I *felt* hungry.

Meet Sheila.  She's a gremlin.
That was my stress talking.  Let's call her Sheila.  Sheila, my stress gremlin, wasn't just talking.  She was screaming.  And twisting and biting.  She was throwing quite the fit and crying, "Pay attention to me!  Feed me!"  And I very much wanted to listen to Sheila.  I wanted to calm her down, help her find a happy place to settle in and not worry so much.  Poor Sheila was so uncomfortable and it seemed the only thing that might settle her was a juicy, fat-laden, carb-heavy steak, egg and cheese bagel sandwich.  With some hash browns.  And maybe another coffee, extra light with two sugars.

I usually drink my coffee black, so when I'm throwing in the added junk, I know that's Sheila making the decisions.

What stopped my car from turning into any of the beckoning parking lots and drive-thrus was rational thought.  Rather than feeding Sheila, I needed to take some time to figure out just why I thought I needed food.  I sat in the office parking lot for a few moments and applied some lipstick. A quick mental inventory told me that my 2pm meeting was a group call with another person presenting, so I could get lunch in at that time. Mental note: do remember the mute button; no one needs to hear you chewing. Ever.  Two of my high profile projects were already in flight.  The next step on one was a simple check in with the rest of the team to gauge progress.  The next step on the other required me putting slides together and time was already booked on my calendar to devote to that.  I was prepared for the CEO meeting and have no control over his reactions, so no use worrying over that.  My daughter's appointment was close to the office.  And the Christmas shopping... well, that's the fun part.  So at the end of my mental inventory, the heavy burden of stress suddenly felt more manageable. I had a plan. I had it all along.

For me, a few moments of rationalization helped skew my day - and my diet - in a more positive direction. Perhaps for you, there's a different process - meditation, self motivating pep talks, looking at photos of something you love... what it is that brings you mentally back on track and helps your own Sheila find a happy place?  In my office, I keep a photo of my kids from a road trip we took over a year ago.  They're standing in front of The Alamo, smiling and relaxed.  When I am feeling harried in the office, I purposefully pause to study that photo.  That's my mental reminder of why I do what I do... and that mini mental break is often enough to shake loose the coils of drama or chaos and allow me to regroup with purpose.

Your body is a... pair of red stilettos?
Our relationship with food is more habitual and more impactful than we think. In fact, most of the time when it comes to our relationship with food, we don't think.  That's a bigger problem... because
our relationship with food is reflective of our relationship with ourselves.  Tired of the adage, "your body is your temple"?  Fine.  Make it your Ferrari.  Make it your tiki hut.  Make it your little black dress, red shoes or any other icon that you feel represents your best "you".   Be Wonder Woman... or Cat Woman... or Xena the Warrior Princess... or any other figure you choose.  Research has proven that if we preface a food decision with "Would Xena eat this?" our choices tend to reflect what we believe Xena would choose. We can and do indeed mold ourselves after our icons.

If you know me well, you know I'm not saying you should never indulge.  I have never been known to turn down dessert.  Or potato chips.  Especially not potato chips...  But as much as I love the potato chip, I love me and the life I live enough to say no - not all the time, but often enough.   And believe me, each and every decision point is just that... a very conscious decision.  And some days, Sheila gets her way. (But then it's not just a handful of potato chips... it's the bag.  And some hot, crispy tater tots... maybe a pint of Ben & Jerry's to top it off.  Sheila can be a very hungry girl.)


Food is certainly an easy way for us to privately examine and really dig into how well we love ourselves.  I'm not suggesting we all adopt radical diets nor that everyone should be a certain weight or maintain a particular BMI.  What I am saying is that if we take a moment to be more mindful of what we put in our mouths, we're being more mindful of not just of how we're treating our selves, but why.

When you can answer the why, you can break through to any goal you set.


Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

How Do I Get There from Here...?

Have you ever been lost?  You might think that is an odd question as cell phones loaded with GPS  and cars that are programmed to get us from here to there are as common as air.  I suppose we can get lost in the mountains or in the jungle - but really the possibilities for that are minimal - and you would have to seriously arrange to get yourself into that kind of trouble.  

I have been lost.  Not so much geographically but certainly, at times, emotionally, monetarily, spiritually, professionally and relationally.  Just over the past couple of days and weeks I have wandered in my head, wondering and meandering ...deciding what is reality and what I have made up as part of the story.  I would suspect that I am not alone.  The robust attendance at my church would infer that there is a plethora of human beings searching.  They aren't easily recognizable, hiding behind successful careers and growing families, but they are there, just shuffling through the dark...working their way along the journey.

It was a challenge that Pastor Jim made at the end of the service that made me think.  This pastor is no ordinary pastor.  His buff stature and 'tatted forearms' would certainly surprise the ordinary parishioner - and that pales next to his non-traditional message. However, on this Sunday he talked about his family.  How no one leaves his house without hearing or saying "I love you" ...and that it is ludicrous (I think his adjective was stronger) that people believe if you say it or hear it too much that it loses its power or deep meaning.  He challenged us to pick a person and say it - I love you - everyday to him or her.  Sounds simple.

For those that know me, saying I love you to my kids and friends is something that I do easily and often.  I send them texts that proclaim it, write it on Facebook and whisper it at the end of every phone call.  But I was lost.  The person that came to mind - the person I want to say it too - the person that needs to hear it the most - well it just doesn't work.  How could something so easy be so disheartening.  So I meander - wandering through the wonder and 'what ifs' that plague us when we are least ready. I will not meet the challenge.

As a successful consultant and coach I consistently search for professional development in what I read and the people I interact with.  I am blessed that I am able to do what I love within the structure of a job and financial responsibilities - and I want to pay it forward by empowering others to be successful.  It isn't noble, it is my skill set...I am just lucky it is also my passion.  Not surprisingly I follow Maxwell and Jim Collins - as well as Sheryl Sandberg.  I am inspired by what they say, who they are and how they guide us through business...but still as human beings.

Tonight I listened to Tony Robbins.  I have listened to him a hundred times on YouTube and mp3 files.  I am inspired by what he represents - that he walks the talk and that he doesn't apologize for his massive success. But tonight I was lost.  I listened to him as he talked about close to 40 years in the business and felt myself relating to the length of his tenure. As he began to share about how he experiences life every day - from the hot showers to cold plunges - the protein and vegetable regimen for every meal and the massive runs he makes every weekend, I wandered into my own brokenness.  Those places where I am undisciplined, the food I eat when I am training or consulting and my lack of morning routines beyond setting my alarm for 4 am. I became lost...wondering how I can do what he does, be who he is...as if by achieving that, I will find my way.

I decided that being lost isn't so bad.  I have good friends that are lost.  Being lost inspires us to find a direction, jolts us into the reality that we live daily and commands us to find a better way or path.  The trick is not to sit down - not to become complacent or weary.  There is power in acknowledging that we are lost.  Sometimes we can't do anything about it but accept it - but most times there is a path for us...a journey still yet to take...perhaps not familiar...but still a road to travel.  I just need to find out how to get there from here... 

The People Must Be the Ones to Win...

 The people must be the ones to win, not the war, because war has nothing to do with humanity. War is something inhuman.

Zlata Filipović

I went to see the Mocking Jay with my daughter last night.  We left the theater and talked about how disturbing the series is.  She is a young educated professional Millennial and it was good for me to see her reaction.  It was good to see that she has not been totally desensitized.  She could feel the darkness that could be in a world that could get caught up in a cycle of senseless anguish, fear and killing.

I can't help but reflect on Ferguson.  A robbery, a killing, rioting, looting...the spiral seems to have no end. We can watch it all happen in real time.  We can voice our support or outrage on blogs and on Facebook.  It is no longer just a story that is discussed among a small intimate group that understands each other - able to come to an understanding - able to agree to disagree but taking away the lessons  learned as we process together.  Instead we state our opinion - our stand - our truth - for the rest of the world to consider.  Responses come in the hundreds as 'comments' shoot back at news articles and media clips. Just other people, with their opinions, stating their truth...

It seems that we are becoming a society with the technical ability to globally communicate but lacking the impetus for real dialogue. We all have what we think is our truth. Most likely somewhere in the middle of my/your reality and perception of the truth - lies the actual 'truth'.  A truth that is uncovered through spirited debate, thoughtful discourse and an energy pursuant of real understanding.  In order to learn, grow and come together - we must be able to listen. We must be able to consider what others think and  allow others to influence and challenge our perception of truth.  Without it, we will not be the ones to win.  We will remain in the spiral.  Humanity will be threatened with what is inhumane.