Obstacle #11: To flirt or not to flirt at work

Flirting is a power tactic.

Whether at work or at play, the art of flirtation is about persuasion and control.  And fun.  I am not asserting that flirting is positive or negative in any situation. This obstacle is one each of us needs to figure out individually, the way in which we're most comfortable working through it.  So let's consider the art - and obstacle - of flirtation at the office.

First, just what is flirting?  For the purposes of the work environment discussion, and as evaluated in various studies, flirting is defined as personal charm that incorporates playfulness, flattery and a level of sexiness.  This is a step beyond friendliness, which is defined as exhibiting warmth and interest.  Flirting is deliberate attempts to have the opposite party notice your particular charm.

So, what if you knew that flirting benefitted you in negotiations?

Women who flirted during negotiations in which a clear "zero sum" exchange needed to take place (goods for money, for example) obtained better terms when their counterpart was male.  If you knew you could receive a higher discount or a better set of terms, would you smile a little more brightly or offer a compliment?  Put so bluntly, it feels icily calculated.  But think for a minute about the men you work with - if you share a private joke, a sidelong glance, if you touch his arm or tell him you like the way his shirt brings out the color of his eyes, are you friendly or flirting? When men have an elevation in mood due to what they perceive as flirting (and flattery), they are more amenable in negotiations.

But not all the time.  When women flirt with men in negotiations where both parties are trying to achieve a gain, they are less successful. The overall success of a mutual negotiation is higher - a larger pie is carved out between two friendly parties.  But the slicing of that pie does not favor the flirting woman.  She managed to improve the benefits to both of them, by helping to expand the potential rewards, but statistically she isn't able to claim her competitive share of that pie.

So perhaps you could argue that you'd rather not take chances on the type of misunderstanding flirting at work can bring and since not all negotiations are successful, you will rely on your no-nonsense smarts to work through those delicate conversations.  And that's certainly an option.

But this obstacle has another slippery slide.  It's not your standard eight foot wall to scale.  It's more like that inverted wall where you have to pull your weight up the inverted side and then use all your strength to haul yourself over the inverted top and avoid toppling down the "easy" side, which can result in injury.  And mud.  There's always mud.

Consider the challenge of likability.  Women in leadership roles fight the likability battle regularly.  If we're assertive, we're bossy or a less kind b-word.  If we insist or debate, we're pushy and hard.  We use "male" qualities to manage and get ahead in a man's environment, and yet those same qualities that brand men as strong leaders make women brassy and cold.  The social cost is high. This impression also leads to misconception around competence - women who are viewed as overly aggressive by their male peers are also viewed as less competent.  Women who flirt with their peers, on the other hand, are perceived as friendly.  When women are perceived as friendly and competent, their ability to be heard and negotiate is amplified.

What if you knew that men flirt more than women in the workplace to get what they want? 

Catherine Hakim, social scientist and author of Erotic Capital: The Power of Attraction in the Boardroom and the Bedroom, says we should unabashedly use our feminine charms.  We have them, why hide them?  Men have no such qualms about using their charisma or looks if they believe it will provide some leverage, so why are we ashamed to?

Of course, there is also the risk of misunderstanding.  Is a real relationship blossoming here or is this merely bantering fun at work? We - men and women - can feel taken advantage of once we realize the other person wanted nothing more than that moment of flirtation - and perhaps  for you to help write that update for the CEO's pet project.

So where do you stand on the concept of flirting in the work place?  Victoria Pynchon advises that if you're going to do it, do it genuinely. Don't fake compliments, don't flirt with men you're not comfortable with.  Rather, play into the positive qualities before you. "I've never known anyone who was so thoroughly repugnant that I couldn't find something to love in them."

So how do you overcome this obstacle?  And how do you handle others who flirt with you?

Studies used in this discussion: 

Feminine Charm: An Experimental Analysis of its Costs and Benefits in Negotiations by Laura J. Kray, Connson C. Locke and Alex B. Van Zant (July 2012)
SIRC Guide to Flirting by Kate Fox (2014)
The Five Flirting Styles by Jeffrey Hall (2013)

As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Knock, knock... Who's there?

How do you answer that question?

How often does that answer change?

If we shake hands at the office, I get to know you under a professional pretense.  But if we meet at a neighborhood barbecue in our summer shorts with a beer in hand, am I meeting the same person? Or do you bring different personas to your personal and professional life?  And perhaps yet a third person to the gym or to a charity board of directors' meeting?

Certainly, there are aspects of who we are and how we share that are more appropriate at work versus the backyard barbecue.  I might share stories at work about past projects and former bosses, whereas at the barbecue, I'll probably blather on for hours about my kids or obstacle course racing.  In either case, I might modify the content of my message but I am not really changing me… I am the same geeky but self-assured bookworm always ready to laugh at a joke.

But have you ever met someone at work who presented herself a particular way and then later, at a cocktail reception or chance grocery store run-in, you felt like you were meeting a whole new person?  I don't mean someone having an 'off day' - I mean someone who regularly brings different personalities into different situations.  Perhaps it's a more secretive nature that likes to keep things mysterious.  But I have to wonder: how much work is it to stretch yourself into a different role to fit a different scenario?  And what is the purpose of contorting into those roles anyway?

One acquaintance of mine explained that her job required her to bring a different personality to the table - that she worked in the very constrictive world of investment banking and therefore was required to behave a certain way or risk being 'frozen out'.  I hear from other women that there are plenty of organizations with a similar culture where one feels she must conform or risk being ostracized and ignored. It's not always a male dominated culture issue, but sometimes it is.

It's very popular to talk about being "authentic" and true to yourself.  And on that journey, it can be challenging to figure out who we are if we're maintaining a veneer of someone else in order to just get along.  You have to be clear on where the 'real you' begins and the alter ego ends.  And for those who are in this type of work scenario, is it possible to exist in those restrictive environments and yet still feel you're being true to yourself?  How much of our perception that we must conform is our own assumption?

The real question for you, however, is how do you show up?  Try this exercise - I did it last month and with a few text messages, got a wave of results within an hour.  It feels awkward when you first reach out, but it's well worth pushing past that.  First, everyone you touch is happy to participate.  Second, what you receive back will be both loving and enlightening.  So here you:

• On a piece of paper, draw three columns.  At the top of the first column, write "Family/Intimates."  At the top of the second column, write "Friends & Associates" and at the top of the third column, write "Acquaintances."

• Contact 3-5 people in your life who fit into each one of those categories for you and ask them to describe you in just three words.  That's it.

• Write the words ascribed to you under the appropriate column.  

And now consider what you see: how the people in your world see you.  Which one of those columns is closest to the "real" you?  Which one is the person you wish most to be?  Lucky for you, you already are that person.  You have the power to love that person.  You have the power to change that person.  Really, you have power.

So, how do you show up?

As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Bushwhacked! (Obstacle #9)

I walk right into it.

Should I have anticipated it? Maybe. It's happened before. Should I have been better prepared?  Perhaps. Should I defend myself against the attack? I think so...

But I don't.

I freeze.

Several different thoughts and emotions run through my mind and body as I am hit by verbal punch after punch.  I don't protest because I believe sounding defensive makes me weak.  I don't launch a counter attack because there's no way I win - this isn't a debate.  And as the ranting continues, I feel that niggling of doubt… the bullies who are really clever, really experienced at the art of ambush know how to find that word or phrase with just enough truth in it to make you pause and think, "Wait, is this true?  Am I a total screw up?"

Afterwards, nursing my psychic wounds, I think of all the smart comebacks and righteous responses… and I am angry at myself for freezing up.  Why do we freeze when when attacked?  Research suggests several ideas that go through our heads in that moment: we don't want to amplify the attack, we do not want to be ridiculed by how we respond, we worry about not being liked and we don't want to put our attacker in an uncomfortable position.  Funny, huh?  Even in that moment, we worry about the feelings of our attacker.

I hate this particular obstacle. First, while I am looking at this from a "women in the workplace" angle, let's be fair and acknowledge that men get bullied and women can be bullies.  It's not really a gender issue.  But in the case of women, especially in male dominated work places, it's not easy to climb over or plow through - it requires training.  When I train for my mud runs and obstacle course races, it's easy to identify what I need to work on.  I dangle then drop from the monkey bars - more arms and shoulders.  I teeter across the balance beam and stumble into the mud pit - more core training.  The traverse wall is consistently a crapshoot - more everything.

How do you train for an ambush - a surprise attack so you can't anticipate? Maybe you can't plan for the specific type of obstacle being shoved in your path, but you can train yourself to respond to the general obstacle of the corporate bushwhack.  You can train yourself to break through your stunned frozen state and move to positive action.

• Fight or flight?  In the case of an ambush, usually neither is effective.  Fighting can escalate an already-tense situation and fleeing the scene allows the bully to try this tactic with you again. You want to put a stop to repeated ambush attacks, so your goal in this moment is to stand still, stay calm and identify the trigger of the ambush.  Assess the obstacle.  What placed this here? How firm is it? How sharp? Once you understand the trigger, you can step back from the burst of negative emotions and make a smarter decision about how you choose to respond.  

I have often found that rarely do these attacks have anything to do with our actual performance or actions. It often stems from the attacker's own insecurities. A former boss used to ambush me when he felt vulnerable, when he perceived himself to be open to criticism by his boss or peers. Once I recognized this trigger, I could sometimes predict the next attack.  And at that point, I was able to step back from taking his attacks personally. This wasn't about me. This wasn't even about reality, so there was no point in responding with a protest or defense. Instead, I could move on to other strategies.

• Focus on the facts - and only the relevant facts. Bullies blend both fact and fiction, which can confuse you marvelously.  What is relevant to the real issue at hand? Is the point of this attack around a specific work issue?  Is it voicing an opinion on an interpersonal relationship? When responding to your attacker, use your newfound calm to address the relevant facts and shift this to a constructive discussion.  Ask questions of your attacker that clarify his or her  thoughts and take some of the personal element out of the attack.  Climb this obstacle carefully, placing your footing on the salient points and avoiding the sharp edges of sarcasm or curtness.

Ambushers aren't accustomed to being challenged in a poised manner.  By not blustering or muttering half-hearted defenses, and instead calmly but firmly focusing on something factual, you can dissolve the negative energy.  Direct the attacker to the root of the accusation and ask him/her to explain it more fully. This not only puts the attacker - politely and professionally - in the explanatory position, but also and teaches him/her how to treat you (thank you, Eleanor Roosevelt): you are not one to be distracted or confused by blathering but will deal directly with any real issues.

• Establish your voice. Not just by sticking to the fact and being a voice of reason, but watch your tone and tenor. This impacts the reception of your message. It's not a gender bias problem - men do it, women do it, children do it… I'm pretty sure my cat does, too.  We are wired to respond to sensual stimulation - often with judgement and prejudice, or put more kindly, with the influence of our past experience.  So when we need our voice to be heard, the actual pitch of our voice makes a difference.  And studies have shown that men do interpret the higher pitched, faster paced voice of a woman to be "emotional" rather than just passionate.*  We can't necessarily rewire that perception and certainly not in a moment of attack.  Get over that smaller obstacle and pay attention to both what you say and how you say it.

• Learn to recognize the Kobayashi Maru of attacks.  The famous no-win scenario from Star
  Trek is a valuable lesson: if you can't beat it, at least learn to recognize the un-winnable.  If you know the trigger of the attack has nothing to do with you, and if the spray of negativity has no root in a solvable issue (or a real one) then learn to walk away.  Often in these attacks, we are afraid of being perceived as weak… or worse yet, if we don't defend ourselves the attack must be true.  But there is no point in climbing this obstacle or expending energy breaking it down. 

Walking away can be the hardest strategy to deploy.  It can feel like defeat. But it's not about being the "bigger" or more mature person at that point. It's about protecting yourself from unwarranted attacks by removing yourself from a no-win situation.

So when walking past this obstacle, how far do you walk? 

Changing roles within your organization to put yourself out of the line of fire is one option.  Changing companies altogether is another.  It is a more significant measure but none of us should tolerate a bully at work, and especially if it looks like the perpetrator isn't going anywhere soon.  Going to your human resources leader also an option, to discuss what might be done and at the very least, raise visibility and awareness around the issue.  Healthy companies and strong executive teams need to address a perpetual bully or they will continue to lose talent.  

Whichever path you choose, you still have control. Take it. Throughout life, we will deal with unusual people, complex personalities and unexpected situations. That makes our day so much more interesting.  But that doesn't mean we let them become obstacles on our path.


NB - For your consideration: current statistics** about bullying at work are not optimistic:

• Over 60% of women have experienced bullying at work
• Women are the targets of bullies 79% of the time
• 78% of those bullied leave their place of employment
• On average, 70% of those bullied ask for help at work (executive management, HR, unions)
• Success rate in effective resolution after asking for help: 3%

*2012 survey by the consulting firm Flynn Heath Holt.
** 2012 study from WBI


As always, your comments, questions and thoughts are welcome. 
And don't forget to share this blog! 

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs for women and their unique challenges. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. Dirty Girls coaches women to explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals and cultivating an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.