It's just fear... in really good shoes, but it's still fear

It's very cliche to talk about the journey.  

We're all on a journey.  It's all about the journey, not the destination.  We each have our own journey.  But a journey is a hard thing - it implies long distances, singular adversity and undoubtedly a little bad weather.

What if it's not a journey?  

What if it's an expanse... wide open spaces that surround us.  Make a slow, 360 degree turn.  We can choose to go in any given direction.  We can choose to head into a city or a sleepy village, a forrest or the beach. We can choose to move towards people or away from them.  We can choose to eat chicken breasts and mixed greens or fried chicken and mashed potatoes smothered in gravy.  Or my personal favorite, lava cake and tawny port...

We can choose.

So why don't we?

Think of the number of decisions you make in any given day, week or year.  How many of those reflect what you believe is the 'right' decision - the decision that will have friends, family and society at large smiling kindly at you?

A lot.  We make a lot of decisions to just get along.  We seek affirmation and value from those around us and we make decisions that make it more likely we'll garner that approval.  We choose our brand of peanut butter based on what was the cupboard when we were kids.  We like the cars our fathers drove.  We majored in parent-approved fields, dated friend-approved men, wear peer-approved clothing and adopt boss-approved behaviors at work.  And we do much of it without thinking. This is how we're trained.  This is how we get along.  We stumble into each stage of our life, following the pattern of what's expected without questioning what we want. We go to school, we get married, we have kids, we have jobs...

What happens when you make a decision that is truly reflective of what you want and who you are?  For starters, you might actually get what you want.  That's the upside.  But the rest...?  Our family might think we're making bad choices.  Our friends might disapprove.  Our peers may raise an eyebrow and gossip.  Our boss might deny that promotion. We might be ignored. We might be shunned. We might be happy. That's a lot of mights.

And it's a lot of fear.

We keep up appearances.  We move forward through the parent-approved life playbook, marry the friend-approved man and dress in our peer-approved high heels.  And we fall forward into these lives not even conscious that much of what drives us is fear... "in really good shoes, but it's still fear," (thank you, Elizabeth Gilbert).

Decisions are not always as easy as buying a jar of peanut butter or choosing between classic black leather pumps or a strappy red heel.  When you consider divorce, illness, a new job, a cross country move... other people are involved and impacted.  Sometimes legalities add complications.  But at the end of the day, you still have to make a decision.  Or put another way, you have to decide how to best explore your possibilities.  What criteria will you use?

Most of us don't even see the 360 degree expanse of the world that is around us and the unending possibilities.  We are focused on that journey, with predetermined curves and bumps, with the embedded idea of a predetermined destination.  Most days, we aren't even sure which turn we took to get us this far along the journey in the first place.

So I invite you to stop. Make the 360 degree turn. Slowly. Really take in the possibilities. Forget the journey. Open your eyes to the expanse around you.  It can be overwhelming.  It can be deafening.  It can be freeing. There are decisions to be made out there. They are ours to make, to consciously choose and own.

Put your favorite heels on - you know, the strappy four-inch ones that your mom hates and your best friend covets - and step firmly forward.  In any direction you choose.


Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.

Sensuality and selling: it's all in the voice (Obstacle #13)

 I can't focus.  It's uneven, pitchy... staccato words hitting me like a Thompson submachine gun.  I have turned my phone volume down to a low, low level to try to soften the noise but it continues to pierce my sternum and the sensitive area just below my eyes.  I may need a migraine pill.  The speaker's voice is scratchy, high pitched and cracks frequently like an adolescent boy.  He's talking fast, but unrhythmically and takes awkward, somewhat lengthy pauses.

I am not processing the words.  I am not getting the message.  I can't get past the voice.

On the other hand, my mechanic has a voice that can make reading javascript out loud sound compelling... soothing... even a little bit sexy.  And I have to remind myself that "Buttah" (as I call him in my head, never out loud) is not lowering my repair bill with that glorious voice.  He's not even promising my car will be ready tomorrow.  In fact, he's not saying anything more riveting than that a part needs to be ordered and my car might be ready by Tuesday.  Maybe.

And I sigh and say, "Ok, (Buttah).  Call me when it's ready."  I got the message.  I even enjoyed it.  Even if I don't enjoy the bill.

In an earlier blog, (Can you hear me now?) I discussed how sometimes the way in which women present ideas leads us to be overlooked.  The focus was on how we show up, the power with which we deliver our message.  Part of that power is is the tool with which we deliver - our voice.

I think hearing is our most under-rated of senses.  There is so much we glean from sound - not even words, just sound.  There's so much we feel.  A few bars of a song can take us back to a teenage memory.  The cry "Mom!" has every mother's head swiveling, even though she knows in that split second it is not her child. My cat, Chairman Mao, knows the sound of my car.  When I pull up in the driveway, he immediately comes to the door and waits for my entrance.  (Yes, he is an exceptional cat).  Sound evokes emotion, action and reaction.  So how can you make it work for you?

We are not all born with Buttah's voice.  We are born with our actual pitch, timbre and resonance.
 But we can control some aspects of how our voice represents the story we want to tell.

1. Pitch: a low pitched voice is considered a dominant characteristic.  Studies have shown that executives with lower pitched voices have longer tenure in their roles, make more money and evoke a higher sense of trust in others.  However, all is not lost if you're not blessed with a naturally low voice.  Assuming you don't want to go through testosterone treatments or "voice scratching", the simple act of slowing down and lowering the volume of your voice can help minimize any negative impression.

Also pay attention to the pitch you use when making statements versus asking questions.  Although both genders fall into this pattern, women are more guilty than men of ending declarative statements like they aren't really sure... and we do it unconsciously. You've heard it: you're asked a question and your answer is, "I went for a short run around the high school track...?" And your pitch rises to a question on the word 'expert' leaving open the question, did you or didn't you? I am not sure where we picked up such an insecure speech pattern, but at least this part of pitch is completely within our control.

Keep in mind:  this is NOT the same as monotone.  Monotone is deadly.  "Bueller... Bueller..."

2. Rhythm/tempo: speaking quickly can convey passion, but it can also convey nervousness or the impression of talking too much.  Consciously controlling the tempo of your speech can have a significant impact: slowing down to emphasize key words or phrases, speeding up to generate energy and pausing between phrases or ideas all work to relay confidence and masterful storytelling.

3. Timbre: the emotional quality you bring to your voice.  It's the quality of your voice that reflects your attitude or meaning behind a particular word or phrase.  Here is where your real sincerity bleeds through... or sarcasm... or anger.  It's another area where the energy in your voice reflects your emotional message, the one supporting the actual words you utter.  So know what you're saying with your words and what you want to convey, and reflect that in energy you bring to speaking those words.

4. Enunciation: speaking clearly isn't just about being heard and understood.  It leaves an impression.  Enunciating your words indicates you are deliberately choosing each one to convey your message.  That suggests confidence and thoughtfulness.  It also forces you to slow down when you speak and control your tempo.

Speech is power.  And it's a tool you use daily.  Speech is motivating.  It's excruciating.  It invokes powerful emotions.  It shares. It obfuscates. It brings people together.  It rips them apart.  We use our voice to convey so many things, human things, things that matter.

Are you using yours consciously?

Natalie Hahn O'Flaherty is a principal at Dirty Girls Consulting, offering special programs that coach women moving into leadership roles. Women work differently, think differently, and it is up to us to allow this difference to become our strengths. We explore breaking free of traditional standards, accomplishing professional and personal goals to cultivate an authentic, fully loved life. Read more Dirty Girl Consulting blogs here.